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Monday, June 04, 2007

Things You May Have Overheard if You Were Hanging Out With Us #3

As before, these things are unrelated to one another. If you try to make them make sense, you could hurt yourself. (The first one was here, and the second one was here.)



There's a lot you don't know about your pants.


No, Biscuit!



How many descriptions did the doctor give me?


Fine. I'll stop putting arsenic in your food.


At Rita's:
S: Oh, no. That lady's dress is in her butt.

J: That's never a good look.


LG: That's why I never wear dresses...


S: Oh, stop! Dresses don't have to go in your butt.


S: Oh, look. There she goes. Honey, that dress is not working for you.


LG: Why doesn't her friend tell her?


S: I guess she's not that good a friend.




No, Biscuit, no!. . . He took my potato. Again.




Also at Rita's:

LG: Aw, that poor old lady.

S: Why's she a poor old lady?


LG: She's retarded.


S: WHAT?! Why would you say such a thing?


LG: It says so on her shirt.


S: What?!


LG: Right there on her T-shirt: "I'm Retarded, Do it Yourself!"


S: No. Not retarded. RE
TIRED.

LG: Oh. Yea.



And if you were hanging out in my email box, you would have seen this, which tickled Jif and me a right smart. First, I'll set the stage. We sent out Evites to a pool party for LG's 5th grade graduation, with the stipulation that parents are welcome, though not required, to stay at the party. I had to obtain all of LG's little friends' email addresses to do this. Most of LG's friends' email addresses have words like "wild monkey" or "fairy" or "soccerqueen" in them. But the one, of this girl that I don't know, it was "darkness.deathlord@emailservice." With some hesitation, I sent the dark little deathlord her Evite, not knowing what sort of creature might show up at the pool party. But this was the deathlord's reply:

"Yes, I can come! Thank you so much for inviting me. My Mom might come, too, but she's not sure yet."

That's awfully polite for the princess of darkness, don't you think?

file under: &Family

22 heads are better than one . . .

Anonymous Hootie Mac said...

Kids are so much frikkin fun to have around, aren't they? The conversations alone are worth the ride.

Princess of Darkness is very polite-I guess even the Family of Darkness has its standards of behavior.

 
Anonymous kalki said...

Too funny, all of it! Even deathlords can be polite!

 
Blogger eclectic said...

Manners among dark deathlords. Hmmmm... Sorta like honor among thieves?

I'm glad to see that you'll no longer be cooking with arsenic, and that you will be taking the journey of discovery to your pants. ;)

 
Blogger Lynn said...

Ah, the rebellion of youth... It seems that no self-respecting teenager wants to do the 'expected' thing. You know, the twins will be teenagers soon. My husband and I have debated dressing like punks and getting some fake tattoos and maybe pretending to engage in a little light shoplifting or something to encourage our kids to stay on the straight and narrow. Yes, we entertain ourselves with some very weird discussions :-)

 
Blogger Squirl said...

I think that's a cute name. Love the other lines.

Been thinkin' 'bout ya!

 
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Bwahahaaha... Those are great! If I posted all the out of context one liners in our house... hmm... now there's an idea!

 
Blogger Dawn said...

Thank you for the smile! Those are priceless.

Love,
Peaches

 
Blogger Susie said...

hootiem, it really is good to know that the FoD is teaching their spawn manners :)

kalki, that sounds like the title of an etiquette book :)

eclectic, actually, my arsenic level is high. Don't know why. But I told Jif that on all those Mystery Diagnosis shows, it turns out that the spouse is putting arsenic in the patient's food. He agreed to cut. it. out. I'm just sayin'...

lynn, you do realize that pretending to engage in shoplifting will get you un-pretend arrested?

squirl, the deathlord? Cute? Takes all kinds.
Thanks for thinking of me. I wish I could stop :(

ck, that would be very colorful. Do it!

peaches, I wish I could give you lots of smiles, that stick around. xxx

 
Blogger WILLIAM said...

i think it was Mick and the Sotnes that said "So if you meet me
Have some courtesy,Have some sympathy, and some taste. Use all your well-learned politesse,Or Ill lay your soul to waste, um yeah
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, um yeah, woo hoo."

They knew dark lords are courteuos.

 
Blogger Robin said...

personally, i'd fill the pool with holy water. just to be on the safe side. you know?

tell Jif not to cut out the arsenic. that's like the perfect murder. you get your victim addicted to arsenic slowly (hence the high arsenic level), then you stop giving it to them. the withdrawal of the arsenic actually kills your victim, but since the amount of arsenic in the blood at death is so small, IT CAN'T BE PROVED THAT ARSENIC WAS THE POISON! clever? without a doubt.
fascinating? oh yeah. scary? you betcha. the fact that i know this? ummm, i read it in a book. really.
(don't try this one at home, folks!)

 
Anonymous Elizabeth said...

....appears you have daily belly laughs, good on ya! tooo funny!

 
Blogger Nina said...

Laughing here at the death lord. I think I would enjoy hanging out with ya. I would only add to it though.

I will never buy a shirt that says anything about retired now. For fear people will think, well you know. :)

 
Blogger Von Krankipantzen said...

I want to hang out with you guys. And meet the Deathlord.

 
Blogger The other me said...

Splendid!! I can never remember any of the conversations we have here, clever you for getting them blogged and sharing them ... you made my day

 
Anonymous platypus said...

Wonderful random snippets, Susie. I will spend a few hours trying to connect them!

As for the e-mail addresses, I know exactly where you're coming from. I have before now deleted some of Stumpy's that I found particularly scary but those of her friends just reduce me to a gigling heap.

By the way, Princesses of Darkness are usually blonde and called Wendy or Clarissa....

 
Blogger lawyerchik said...

I started to count the number of times you said "No, Biscuit" but I lost count..... (Not very focused today)! :) Poor dog!

Also, how does he write on the wall??????

 
Anonymous Daphne said...

Once upon a time, my family adopted a very tiny, fluffy, sweet kitten. She was probably too small to be adopted, but her mother probably was feral or died early or something equally tragic-yet-common, and she was gray and white and just too fun to watch trying to walk around and fall asleep and jump up the stairs. We'd recently adopted a cat that we named Antigone Spock Calculus, then another funny and sweet and feisty cat named Vanilla who we promptly renamed Ophelia. Sadly, Ophelia died as a result of a conflict with a racoon. Antigone (or Tiggy) loved Ophelia, and of course was lonely when she died. So, I declared tragic names were out, and we named the new, tiny, funny and cute kitty Deathlord (suggested by my then-boyfriend as a really heavy metal name" at the time). I went away to college and the name stuck permanently; Deathy (or DL) and Tiggy carried on for years.

 
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Personally, I'm a little more concerned about LG's little friend "Wild Monkey."

 
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Thanks for the laughs, Susie. They hit me exactly at the moment when I needed them.

No, Alex, you cannot share my dinner. Eat your own.

 
Anonymous Ortizzle said...

My students all have unusual email addresses. And it's true that the most shocking usually belong to the quietest, most polite girls. I'm still wondering about this timid, mousy girl who is the MamboJelloQueen.

 
Blogger Effie said...

My favourite murder mystery movie was one where (I think it was Columbo) a man slowly poisoned himself to death (unintentionally) by eating a Waldorf salad every day for a couple of months. In a Waldorf salad there are whole apples--including the seeds. Apple seeds contain a very small amount of arsenic and it takes a lot for your body to digest them--but if you eat about 2 or 3 apples worth of seeds for that long you might live/die to regret it...teehee

oh wait

that was cyanide

duh

The deathlord sounds sweet...

 
Blogger Susie said...

william, OK, I'll try to have some sympathy for the deathlord.

robin, I don't think I'll share your comment with Jif. One never knows . . .

elizabeth, I have as many as I can. I hope you do, too.

nina, yea, why advertise?

kranki, you are always welcome to hang out. And the deathlord lives right down the street. Her mom is the Girl Scout leader. heh

t.o.m., I am honored to figure prominently in your day. Just jot down the odd sentence here and there, and you've got yourself one of these posts.

platy, yea, I just got another one "orlandobloomizsexy.whatever" What does an 11 y.o. know about sexy? Cheez, Louise.

lawyerchik, I'll have to track down that post for you. I once explained, and even photo-documented, how he does it.

daphne, well there you have it. Pre-teens and cats should not be judged by their names.

bucky, PWAHAHAHAAA. Here I must confess to taking some literary license. It is actually MY KID who is the wild monkey!

ssnick, at least Alex isn't swiping your baked potato off your plate. Be careful.

ortizzle, shhh. Bucky will want to meet the mambojelloqueen.

effie, still, I think I'll limit my apple consumption. And you win the award for the phrase of the day: "The deathlord sounds sweet..."

 


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