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Monday, May 21, 2007

Too Much of a Good Thing

You have always been my type. You know this. I have never been able to resist your kind. But today, as I look at you . . . it's just too much. You're too much. The things I've loved about you in the past . . . overwhelm me now, in this new incarnation of you. Your best qualities, they're overdone now; my favorite parts of you . . . frankly, they're too damned big now. I can't handle all of you. The thought of it . . .

I have to admit I am tempted. But I would almost have to take you in, in small installments. I'd be . . . overcome, incoherent, if I tried to take you all at once now. You and I had an unspoken agreement -- moderation. You are anything but moderate, now. And yes, I know that we crossed boundaries from time to time. There have even been moments of compulsivity to our relationship, I'll admit that. But we always got back on track. We always knew that moderation was the only thing that would allow us to keep seeing each other.

But now . . . what were you thinking!? I know there's a lot of pressure out there. To change, to morph into one thing or another. But how did you let this happen? You need to RESIST! Fight the power! I was so excited to be alone with you today, but when I saw you, completely uncovered before me . . . the parts that I once loved, so looked forward to, are now almost vulgar, obscene. Just put something over yourself, would you? WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU?! Is it steroids? I've heard about that. Ohmygosh . . . is it CRACK?! I've heard it said that crack takes your natural qualities and magnifies them. That would explain a lot. But I won't love a steroid junkie or a crackhead! There is too much going on in my life for me to become addicted to an addict.

No, this is it. The fact is, you've changed, and bigger is not always better. I have to pass. You may have an awful lot to offer the right woman, but it's not me. Maybe someone younger, more active, could handle you . . . but no, it ain't me, babe. Not now. Not ever again.

Goodbye, my sweet.













chocolate chip extremism

the big-ass chocolate chip cookie at the local coffee shop

45 heads are better than one . . .

Blogger Lynn said...

Susie, you scared the daylights out of me!! I thought you were talking about blogging!! I'm glad you weren't. Want a green drink? (I'm kidding! I'm kidding!)
I just came from an elementary school graduation and nothing nutty happened :-) Now, where did I put my appetite? Maybe it's next to that cookie.

 
Anonymous sharkey said...

The image didn't show up in Bloglines--I could only read (okay, I'll admit I was scanning and skimming, trying to figure out where you were headed) what you'd written. At first, I thought the same thing as Lynn. Then I thought maybe you were just breaking up with Blogger.

But a cookie? What'd that poor little ol' cookie ever do to deserve your wrath? Come to Pennsylvania, sweet Cookie--I'll take care of you. Bwah ha ha . . .

 
Anonymous Ortizzle said...

Very clever, shoving the picture down there so we would all think you were hooked on... God knows what!

What IS it with these mega-cookies nowadays, anyway? Used to be you could dunk a few in a glass of milk and call it a snack. Now they are the size of UFOs. And yeah, maybe you could actually eat one, but... it's breakfast, lunch and dinner. I wonder if they sell those things in coffee shops so you'll order two coffees to finish it. Like, 'how about a pot of coffee to go with that cookie?'

 
Blogger SassyFemme said...

Tease! Great entry! :)

 
Blogger Von Krankipantzen said...

ME! ME! I am the right woman!

 
Anonymous Barb said...

Guess you were trying to scare us about who knows what! But what if it turns out that bigasschocolatechipcookies are a chelating agent for Ti and will cure WTF? Better have two.

Praying for good news and toxicologists who love a challenge!

 
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

I have to pass. You may have an awful lot to offer the right woman, but it's not me.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Is it me?! Am I the right woman? It's me isn't it? Pick ME!!!

 
Blogger Susie said...

lynn, why do I have the feeling you're gonna get one of those green drinks in me before all is said and done? Maybe that's what the toxicdoc will prescribe.

shawkey, it's not a LITTLE cookie! It's the cookie that ate New York!

ortizzle, when I pulled the thing out of the bag . . . it's just obscene. Breakfast, lunch and dinner, like you said. Maybe you have a point about them trying to make you keep buying coffee to wash the damned thing down.

sassyfemme, the story had to be told.

kranki! Get a grip. This cookie would have you for lunch!

barb, if the giant cookie is the cure, then I'll relent and start snarfing them. I am still waiting to hear back from the toxicdoc. I sent her my lab results late this afternoon.

ck! No! I'm sorry, but it is too big for you! It would mess up your hair and rip your dress.

 
Blogger Von Krankipantzen said...

Not if I eat it for breakfast first. Get a grip? Yeah, I'll get a grip on that little baked beauty, alright.

 

*cracking up hard at the image of von krankipantzen frantically jumping up and down trying to attract the behemoth cookie's attention*

 

I am too much for you, no? You see I Do look Mahvelous. You cannah reseest thees tan body wit, my enormous morsELs. You want to take me and break me in half so you can eat me from the inside out. You cannah reseest me. I will leave some delicate crumbs on your leeps like a gentle kiss for you to savor later on.

 
Blogger Susie said...

kranki, you know not of which you speak. It is a devil in disguise! Look away, kranki!

htgt, she's a thrill-seeker, like that, I think.

baccc, I KNEW you could talk. But what the hell kind of accent is that?

 
Blogger Rayne said...

Finally! Someone who understands the addiction of the chocolate chip cookie as I do. I am not alone in my slavish pursuit of the perfect cookie but shamefully, I admit, that almost any chocolate chip cookie will be eaten by me.
Just can't resist them.
Going to go make some right now!

 
Blogger lawyerchik said...

That is awe-inspiring, Susie! Ode to a Cookie - coming to a theater near you!! :) (Made me laugh out loud!!)

 
Blogger Squirl said...

I knew, from your writing style, that you weren't leaving the blogging world. It was intriguing, though, and I chuckled when I saw that cookie. It's hard to judge the size of it, but those chocolate chips look like they could sink a battle ship.

 
Anonymous oddmix said...

Is that a DINNER plate it is on? Oh. My. Goodness.

You have shown me at least three of my primary temptations and they are all that cookie.

 
Blogger eclectic said...

Mmmmmmmmmm.... cookie. What the situation demands is a posse to help you eat it, Susie. If we all gang up on it, I'm sure we could take it. Who's with me?

 
Blogger Andrea said...

if you want an addiction to replace the old one, go to your nearest borders bookstore and head straight for the cafe. order a white chocolate chip cookie. the chips themselves are great, but what makes this cookie special is its *overall* size. it's as *tall* as a buttermilk biscuit.

 
Blogger Effie said...

I could help you out there, if you need a hand...one bite from me, one from CK, and Eclectic and Lynn, and Kranki, Squirl, and Lawyerchik--and it wouldn't be too much then, eh?!

Oh--I made oatmeal chocolate chip cookies the other day (after Katrina was asleep) and are they ever GOOOD! I used my Mom's famous recipe and altered it by adding raisins, cinnamon and a pinch of nutmeg...I made 7 doz and froze half--that first half disappeared WAY too fast. Just the right size though--you want one?

 
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

I recently made a similar speech to a pint of Ben & Jerry's Creme Brulee. Ben took it like a man, but Jerry blubbered like a little schoolgirl.

 
Anonymous Pat said...

Just pass that cookie on to me! It looks great. The chocolate looks all melty. I think I'm in love.

 
Blogger Traci said...

Hey, I've heard chocolate is the cure for lots of stuff...maybe WTF too?!

p.s. my word verification is gagvag...just made me giggle!

 
Blogger Squirl said...

I'm with Eclectic and Effie here. You need a posse to help, and that's what we're here for.

 
Blogger Robin said...

there is NO such thing as a "too big" chocolate chip cookie. i proudly admit i am woman enough to handle it (the fact that eating cookies is what made me woman "enough" is totally irrelevant).

and frankly...who could resist: *i will leave delicate crumbs on your leeps like a gentle kiss...* it gives me shivers!

 
Anonymous dawn said...

this post scared the crap out of me. thankfully there was a big ass cookie at the bottom to make things all better. that's the job of a cookie.

all better :)

oh, and YUMMMMY

 
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

I enjoy chocolate cookies—especially Famous Amos’. But that one just turns me off. Honestly, it ain’t got no class!

 
Blogger Susie said...

rayne, before I saw this one, I, too, would have said that I loved ALL the chocolate chip cookies in the world.

lawyerchik, hmmm. I wonder what the movie will be rated.

squirl, they could sink a battle ship. Or me.

oddmix, I am tempted to say that yes, it is a dinner plate, just for effect; but truthfully, it's a salad/dessert plate. But still, that's like a 5" cookie!
I've decided to stop thinking about which 3 temptations are represented by said cookie.

eclectic, a posse? a gang? This might work...

andrea, well, first, this cookie is thick, too. But secondly, I don't do white chocolate. I don't believe in it.

effie, yes, the posse approach could work; and yes, send me a cookie!

bucky, isn't that always the way with Jerry? Creme brulee ice cream? Jif would love that; I didn't know such a thing existed.

pat, careful, now. That cookie is a heart breaker. And probably a zipper breaker, chair breaker . . .

traci, this cookie is an overdose unto itself. gagvag, indeed.

squirl, I am always so touched by my blogfriends' willingness to pitch in and do what's needed.

robin, don't let it sweet talk you. You must be strong.

dawn, well, yea. That is a cookie's job description!

ssnick, my point exactly! It ain't got no class. Leaves nothing to the imagination...

 
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Oh, my my my my yes - creme brulee ice cream. It just may be the most heavenly thing to hit my tongue since that time I accidentally stood too close to the french vanilla jizz fountain.

 
Blogger Susie said...

bucky, french . . . eeeeeeuuuwww! I had to stop back in here before I went to bed . . . just had to do it. . .

 
Blogger Andrea said...

you don't believe in it, hee... well, it has milk choc chips in it too. i'm just sayin'...

 
Blogger Lynn said...

Susie, you inspired me. I ate one of those big-ass chocolate chip cookies today, probably at the same coffee shop (Starbucks?). This is a good thing because anxiety diminishes my appetite and I can't really afford that. You know, I thought of you when I ate it. You make me smile. Who says virtual buddies can't keep each other company in a coffe shop?

 

Bravo Susie...some things are so hard to give up...sweet memories will be yours.

Now hand over the darn cookie!
xx
pinks

 
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Lynn, my virtual buddies keep me company all day long. ;)

 
Blogger Amy said...

Man I was captivated by all this mysterious-ness! I felt like I felt when I watched that movie with Diane Lane when she cheated on her husband!

And then you brought the cookie. You're nuts, you sweet thang.

 
Blogger lawyerchik said...

Still. Cracks. Me. Up. :) Plus, I keep coming back to read other people's comments, too, so that makes it even more hilarious. This belongs in your Hall of Fame, Suse!! Hope you're having a good day.

 
Blogger Susie said...

andrea, well...why didn't you say so? ;)

lynn, I'm sure I virtually enjoyed sitting in the coffee shop with you, watching you eat the big-ass chocolate chip cookie :) I am glad you were able to eat it. I just spent how ever many months, barely moving, because I was told exercise would accelerate the progression of the terminal illness I may or may not have had. I cannot afford to eat the baccc. I am much too fat. You can probably eat a dozen a day and still be just fine. Enjoy.

pinks, I wish I could send you all the cookie. I thought of shipping it here or there, but it would be broken and/or stale by the time it arrived anywhere.

ck, aren't they great? Almost as good as internet children :)

amy, I have never seen that movie. My MIL said it was too dirty, "even for her" and that is saying something. I think I'll see it some time, though. And I'll picture a giant cookie in the role of the one guy :)
Nuts? What nuts? There were no nuts in that cookie.

lawyerchik, bless your heart. I'm glad you're liking this one, 'cause I got nothing else. I feel crappy; I don't see the toxicdoc until next week; just hanging by a thread here. Maybe I'll go buy me a cookie . . .

 
Anonymous kalki said...

LOLing at Kranki.

I could write a whole big thing about not being able to wait until they're fully-formed, yearning for them when they're still being shaped and are putty in my hands. But then y'all will get the total wrong idea. But I like cookie dough, okay? So sue me.

 
Blogger sometrouble said...

hahaha! I didn't know what to expect...way to tease us.

 
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Maybe so, but cookies taste better. ;)

 
Blogger Redhead Mommy said...

Mmmm...chocolate cookie....hmmmm....they'll fit in a glass of ice cold milk if you shove hard enough..hehe...

 
Blogger jen said...

Hey Susie. I'm new to your blog. I think I found it from William over at Poop and Boogies, but I don't remember. Just wanting to introduce myself, so you know who the crazy person is reading all your archives. :P

 
Anonymous LadyBug said...

I keep stopping by, hoping to read some good news.

You're in my thoughts and prayers, every moment. Love and hugs to you, my friend.

 
Blogger Susie said...

kalki, what about the raw eggs? I don't like cookie dough so much, but I do occasionally like a spoonful of brownie batter or such. But I always wonder about those raw eggs.

sometrouble, glad to give you a haha :)

ck, just how many virtual friends have you tasted? (Or is it internet children you're snacking on?)

redheadmommy, you'd need a bucket!

jen, welcome! I thought I was the only crazy person who read my archives :)

ladybug, hello, honey. Not much is happening. I should've updated, probably. I did talk to some people, and have an appointment next Thursday with the toxicdoc. In the meantime, I'm very busy compiling all the test results from the past year. Thank you for the prayers and other good stuff. My physical troubles are increasingly troubling, and I really REALLY hope the new doc has a clue.

 
Blogger little sister said...

This is what I meant to comment on THIS post:

Oh, the function of an innocent chocochunk cookie just trying to be itself....but trying not to be too obvious and chocoloate chippy for the averqage person to handle but it will still be too chocholately for the rest of us to handle and we would all implode from its chololatey goodness and sweetess....ah, the cholotolatelyness of it all that we dare never try but we really really really want too!! Double, no, quadruple dare me too! Yes, that'st the kind of artsy choco that insinuates iteself into my tastebuds who only understand the sweet, savory gradness of swimming in its chocolately goodness and for that brief time of wallowing in the brown chocolatey goodness, each of us would be aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh yummy gooey tasty goodness of a choc-chunk cookie go carry me away into chocho-blss and never even remember the horrors of the real world and my own real probs. Yes. it would be choco-nirvana, and I'd get 15 minutes of my life to know it so I'll aways have that memory to carry with me. I would live choconirvana with you and the other blogglers I'd happened into, because they too would experience only the bliss, and we we would all undestand and then our 15 minutes would expire but it would be okay because we'd understand, others will undersand, and maybe we'd all understand and get it.

Susie, your posts are universal, and and I love the way you let us interpret them!. You've helped me achieve choco-bliss awareness with this post, and I'm enternally grateful!

For this small miracle, I wish you much chocoloate chocolate bliss and nirvana, espcially during times you think it won't happen and when you need it the most. I really appreciate it is you'vve presented it here!

love ya, me eastern chocho-chica!
xoxoxoxo
lil sis (basking in chocolatey goodness)

 
Blogger Redhead Mommy said...

Just so you know, I just read the Poop and Boogies post about childhood art, with the two links to your posts about the kids across the hall....oh god....I laughed so hard I couldn't breath....both times!! Freaking hilarious.

 


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