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Thursday, April 28, 2005

I'll Never Wash this Blog Again!

It's been quite a week here at the house. In case you've heard, yes, it is true, and in case you haven't heard, well, yes, it is still true, that on Tuesday, a STAR stopped in and commented on my little blog. This EVENT came about thanks to a one-man volunteer PR firm, who liked what he read here and went around blogworld commenting on the site of any famous person who'd let him in. Sort of the blog equivalent of writing my URL on the bathroom wall: For a good time, click Susie... So that my "visits per day" jumped from 187 on Monday to 590 on Tuesday! Now, mind you, the rich and famous LURK here all the time (hey Samuel L, hey Julia!) but they don't often comment. Until Tuesday.

So once the butterflies had settled down, I said to myself, I said, "Sweet potato, (what? that's what I call myself; shut up!), this is a THANG that has unexpectedly happened to you here. And you need to use this thang, and not just let it slip away without making some difference to someone." So with that in mind, I'm going to milk it. I want to tell you just a little about one particular commenter who stopped in here on Tuesday. This person is a unique, gay American, whom I haven't known for long, and have only "met" here in blogworld; still, I have a tremendous amount of admiration, respect, and yes, love, for this person. This commenter is also a blogger, who recently wrote very eloquently about issues such as gays adopting children, and relationships between gays and straights. I'm going to go ahead and give you the link, and I'd like for you to go visit my blogfriend, and don't go actin' all starstruck and goofy, just leave some love there. Go read, comment and then come back.

And now, just so I don't have to go cold turkey on the celebrities-leaving-me-comments, how about leaving me a comment, posting as your favorite celebrity! (Oh, I guess you could tell me your real identity, too, so I can give you credit in your permanent record.) And tell us which celebrity you'd really love to get a comment from. And heck, it REALLY is cool getting a comment from a celebrity, so:

Go ye forth into all of blogworld, disguised as a celebrity that the blogger you're visiting might enjoy, and leave NICE, ENCOURAGING and/or FUNNY comments. Think of it as a bloggers' masquerade party.
This would be a good time to let you know that the beautiful and brilliant mrtl waltzed in here yesterday sportin' an idea that was dangerously close to this one. So I had to have her silenced. Nooooo, she most graciously let me go with it. After I whined and threatened to wet my pants. *

I hereby challenge you to spread this thang! Oh, and as Bucky likes to say, "If nobody does it to you, do it to yourself!"

*If you leave a "faux" comment with someone who takes offense, this was totally mrtl's brainy idea. She has agreed to handle all complaints, returns, exchanges, etc. I don't wanna hear it.

71 heads are better than one . . .

Anonymous ro said...

I can't believe this wienie got all that attention because of me and then didn't even leave you people my URL.

Come and see me. And say NICE things or I'll kick your ass and then write a poem about it.
And watch my hella great new movie on CBS this Sunday.
Peace out.

Rosie O'freakin'Donnell

Blogger Susie said...

Hey, ro, you gotta get outta here and get a life, sweetie.

Little help for everyone -- if you don't know who to impersonate for someone, look on their profile page for authors, musicians, hobbies, heroes, etc., for ideas:)

Anonymous Anonymous said...

LMAO!! Ro- I'll be watching on Sunday. Susie- I so expected Ro's link, but I love that its Greenies! He's an awesome guy. Rosie is awesome too! I went to her site. I'm liking it! I dont know who to impersonate, so I'll just be me. Maybe after caffeine, I'll get more creative!



Anonymous Aaron Neville said...

Hello beautiful. I have been reading your blog for quite some time now and I must say I can't get through the day without a little Susie. I was honored at how you defended me when other bloggers couldn't appreciate your fine taste. Keep doing what you do.

Love always,

Anonymous Matt Damon said...

Hey ya Susie,

I think you have a real smaht way of posting that we enjoy here in Bah-ston.

This real smaht ma from OK told me about ya site. She's goht a real cute kid, yah.

See ya later, doll. I gotta get back to my math problems and therapy sessions with Robin Williams, yo.

Anonymous Nils Ling said...

What? I am so. Ask Niffer. OK, so it's low-rent, Canadian celebrity, but still ...

Anonymous Ben Affleck said...

I was the star of Good Will Hunting, NOT you Matt. Step off Susies blog math man.

Susie, my darling, great writing, great post. And, Matt does have booty flies.

Anonymous George Michael said...

Look at my butt!!! Look at it, Susie! The worst thing you can do is try to ignore it!

P.S. I wanna rub my goatee all over you.

Anonymous Pinnochio said...

Dang woman! You're a worse liar than I am!

The truth will come out soon enough. My friend mrtl would thank you for directing folks to her blog to see the truth (when she can get it posted).

Blogger Susie said...

I can't believe this! The sexiest people in the world are commenting on my blog! And nilbo, too!

Aaron, are you wearing the vest that makes my knees sweat? I always knew this day would come. I have installed a special phone line just for your call. Use it, baby: 1-LUV-THE-MOLE

matt, I know just who you're talking about from OK. If Robin Williams doesn't work out, I can be your therapist. I have a patented therapeutic approach -- it's called, "You think YOU'RE crazy?" Clients always feel better when they leave me. They feel quite sane by comparison.

ben, now, now, don't fight. You can all stay. I do appreciate your trying to protect me from riff-raff and booty critters, though;)

george, darling, you were responsible for one of my best posts. Without your ass, my ass would have had nothing to say. You must get that all the time. OK, we'll try the goatee thing. C'mon over.

Blogger Susie said...

look, wood boy, this is clearly becoming a party for sexy celebrities -- wait, maybe "wood boy" IS sexy -- OK, you can stay. I suspect that mrtl hasn't posted yet because she's over there smelling her feet. That's the hobby she posted about most recently.

Blogger Nilbo said...

(sigh) "...AND Nilbo, too."

In some parts of the world, people like me are considered sexy. OK, I haven't been to those places, but I bet they exist.

Anonymous Anais Nin said...

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

Anonymous Cuntway Titty said...

Hello, darlin'...
The mere fact of mah death, darlin', cannot stop me from readin' your lovely, lovely stories. Your booty flies plus mah bad perm, well, darlin', we could shake the skin offa the snake, if you catch mah drift.

Anonymous Susie's Blog said...


Anonymous Ben Affleck said...

Rush Limbaugh sent me to this site. He found yours through some law student chick he wants to hook up with. I think, even as a conservative, shes way too liberal for him.
I can play nice-nice, let me come on over and I'll show ya how nice (wink), and I DONT HAVE BOOTY FLIES!

Blogger Mrs.Strizzay said...

Was that a real Ro? Hmmmm

Anonymous mrtl said...

... a little distracted by "she thinks my tractor's sexy" on tv... who likes that crap?

No feet smelling today, although I wouldn't mind because they smell so yummy. I'm not because my stomach is upset as it is. :(

To report, I didn't wet myself reading this post, but I have a feeling the response to it will.

Blogger Squirl said...

Oh my, Susie, what a celebrity day! You really know how to bring 'em in. Even if it's mrtl with the brainy idea.

I did a typo above and almost wrote shat a celebrity...

Blogger Nilbo said...

OK, if we're gonna be shittin' celebrities, Squirlgrll, we'll let Susie have Ro. I'll go with, like, Renee Zellweiger ... when she's not doing a Bridget Jones movie.

Blogger Squirl said...

Nilbo, I'm thinkin' that maybe Renee is a little too heavy when she's being Bridget. Don't need to get any hemmorhoids going there.

Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Squirl! Shat a celebrity... LOL!!

Blogger Cat said...

Damn. Jealousy does NOT become me.

Anonymous Uppercase GOD said...


You are doing good work in the blogosphere. You make people smile. People feel better after visiting your blog or reading comments you have left for others on their blogs.

You consistently show compassion and caring for your fellow human beings.

I am most pleased. Carry on.

That is all.

Blogger Nilbo said...

Yeah, OK ... uppercase god trumps Ro.

Blogger marybishop said...


Now I know why Johnny Depp and Barbra Streisand paid me visits this morning.

I'm going to go for the money and sign this:


Anonymous Pokey said...

Sooz, (remember, I used to call you that...)

It saddens me that you have forgotten -- neigh, DENY our brief, but passionate time together.

You flaunt your preference for MY (EX)BEST FRIEND, Gumby right there on your blog for the whole world to see, without even a thought to how I might feel about it.

But those are *my* feelings. I take ownership for them, and understand if you do not feel the same way.

Maybe we could still be friends...? I still think about you Sooz. You'll always be special to me.

Call me.

Anonymous LadyBug said...

Okay, now I KNOW that was not the real POKEY commenting above, because there was no mention of "THIS"!

Anonymous Maddona said...

I was taking a break from Kabbalah and talking to Ro on the mobile and she told me about your site. I love the 'booty flies' story and I'm thinking...how about collaborating on my next collection of childrens books? Have your people call my people and you and I'll go do some yoga.

Anonymous Paris Hilton said...

Yo, Susie. An insect friend of mine told me to visit you. I may be a braindead slut, but I know funny shit when I see it, and girl?


I'm totally adding your info to my cell phone.

Oh, and Pokey? Call me.

Blogger Dr. M. said...

Hello, Susie:

I have enjoyed reading your blogs.... so I started my own. Thanks.

If I were famous, I would be Aaron Brown on CNN. But, I'm not.

Anonymous Dr. Joaquin said...

No, really, there are flies coming out of your booty. Didn't you use the insecticide cream I had prescribed for you?

Blogger ieatcrayonz said...

Dr. Joaquin, I was really wishing there was a bootyflies.net when I clicked on it.

Anonymous Dooce said...


I just wanted to say hello and tell you that your post about booty flies was probably the best piece of writing I have ever encountered. You are the best blogger ever! OF FRANCE!

And anybody who disagrees with me can suck it!


Anonymous Britney Spears said...

Like, OMG. I freakin love Rosie!

I also love Cheetos.

Booty Flies?

I don't get it.

Anonymous Kevin Federline said...

Baby ... "booty flies" ... like, her booty ... and it flies. Now do you get it...?

Wait. I don't get it, either. Why would her booty fly?


Baby, can I have my allowance now?


Ms. Susie,
Due to the ripple effect of your so-called blogworld, it has come to my attention that it is you who reportedly impersonated our great family in the town of Jonesboro, most especially at our local eating establishment Parson's Table, in March 2005.
Madam, you must cease and desist!
We do not wish to drag our most revered family name into any legal process, but I am writing to inform you that you are no longer allowed to dine at the aforesaid Parson's Table, and henceforth not allowed the luxury of hot chocolate anywhere in this county.

Yours Truly,
J. Weston Fairchild

Anonymous Bisquit said...

I consider myself to be a celebrity by proxy, as you are my "owner" and you are becoming somewhat of a celebrity here in blogworld yourself.

Since you are inviting all sorts of comments I would like to take this opportunity to tell you that I very much resent being called very bad dog on your blog. I am in fact a very sweet dog, and I give unconditional love to your entire family, especially little girl, and I even wait by the window when it is time for her to come home.

So I kindly request that you get thine powerful arse off of the internet and take me on a walk and give me a bone. Now.

Blogger WILLIAM said...

Susie, Thanks for pointing me to Green Thumb. You rock.

Blogger Dang Cold.. said...

**Dang Cold enteres the room with the Weenie tray as he is just here to serve the celebrities**

dc - domesticated concubine

Anonymous Jesus said...

Congrats on the celeb visits. I can send Billy Graham your way if you want.

Oh, and can you keep all the cursing to a minimum?

Anonymous Jesus said...

Forgot to leave you My website...

Blogger Dang Cold.. said...

j. weston fairchild- I'm filing a claim of ownership on circus kelli's butt. This is a continuance from a court appearance last week. According to the minutes, we weren't able to settle our dispute. Therefore I wish to pursue further litigation. And the cheese whiz on my couch makes this a personal matter now. My cleaning bill was enormouse.

dc - due compensation

Blogger Dang Cold.. said...

in other words I wish to hire you. call my cell. We have a butt to talk about.

dc - directing council

Anonymous Tina Fey said...

DC, we could totally use someone like you on SNL as a writer.

Anonymous Tina Fey said...

I didn't mean to leave you out Susie. You're funny too! Maybe you could get a job writing for Leno or something. His monologues could use a little something stirruppy.

Blogger Nilbo said...

It was so cool! Nicole Kidman (who I've long known had a crush on me) left a message on my blog! Although I had to be a bit of a killjoy because she left an overtly sexual message that didn't quite fit the tone of the place it ended up, so I had to take it off. I wish she'd come back, though - perhaps to another post ... (sigh)

Blogger Susie said...

I've never enjoyed comments so much! You people are smarter and funnier when you're someone else!

anais, you are too good for this blog.

cuntway, hello darlin'. Uuhh, you might not be good ENOUGH...just kiddin'

blog, I will not wash you. Not even if you start to smell like mrtl's feet. You talk too much.

ben, OK, come show me what you got

strizz, that's one of those "things that make you go" there...

mrtl, just wait until Bug wants to know what that sexy tractor thing means. I had that. I don't know what that means. Doh! You misunderstood me AGAIN. I told you to wet your pants yesterday like I did.

squirl and nilbo, you have ventured into a very painful area about which I don't know much...see Bucky.

cat, why you jealous? What has become of you? I saw you hanging out with Michael Jackson. Shamon HEEEEEhhheeee

UG, I love you. If you're happy, I'm happy.

MB/Bill Gates, Now, I'M jealous. Johnny Depp? I tried to get Nilbo to put something about me on JD's blog, but he wouldn't. Some friend he is. Say hi to Johnny for me. Babs, too.

POKEY, don't even start. I know you've moved on. I saw you out at dooce's last night trying to hit on Flanella Jo Washington.

Madonna, I'd love to help you with your books, but um, I guess these are my people. Are you sure you want to give them your number?

Paris, you should try to patch things up with Nicole Richie, hon. And don't get involved with POKEY. He has more videos floating around than you do.

Dr. M, good for you, and all the best with your blog.

dr. joaquin!, I know, but I didn't have insurance at the time, so I just bought the over-the-counter stuff, pantyRAID.

dooce, you dork, you. Now I know I'm not washing the blog.

britney, Cheetos aren't good for the baby.

kevin, or, a fly booty.

Mr. Fairchild, c'mon, we're kin. I'll see you at the next reunion, Westie.

Biscuit, you are not a celebrity. And I fed you last week.

You're welcome, William, isn't he great?

domesticated concubine, I knew something was missing. Thank you for the weenies.

Thank you, Jesus. (Wish I had a nickel for every time I've said that.) Billy would be welcome. (Dang, get Billy a weenie.) We usually do keep cursing to a minimum here, unless someone gets really pissed.

dc, are you trying to sue me over the Cheez Whiz incident? I'll hire Denny Crane if you are.

tina fey, you mean girl. DC is not available to you, for any purpose. He is clearly employed here as a weenie purveyor. Now get out.

Blogger laurenbove said...

Susie: I'm freaking out about the rosie thing. You did write a really excellent post Tuesday...but you also have a lovely group of devoted fans as well.

Well done and give us more!

You rock.

Anonymous Johnny Depp said...

OK, I'm here, and I don't see what the big deal is. I'm gonna kill Nilbo when I see him. Damn waste of time, all these women here. Doesn't he know I'm as gay as Greenie? Jeez. Hardly obvious, much.

OK, gotta go out and pretend to be enjoying my time with a beautiful woman, so the media doesn't catch on like they did with Cruise. Maybe I'll do what he's doing - date a fetus ... then they'll be so concerned about the age difference they won't even think about my obviously suspect interest in the opposite sex.

Blogger Angelposh said...

I'm famous too, at least that's what the voices in my head say. Too cool, I saw Rosie on the Morning show today, her new TV movie looks amazing!

Anonymous Tony Soprano said...

Hey Susie, I just wanna say "youre one hot little cannoli". The booty flies story got me all hot under my big Italian collar. Im single now so if you are interested in givin all dis up and movin in wit me, I could make tings happen very easily. Bada bada bing, a little accident here and dere, if you know whatta meana. Very bad dogs got it comin anyway. Susie Sopranos' got a nice ring to it, dontcha think?

Anonymous Tony Soprano said...

Oh, I forgot to say, "dont take to long gettin back to me". I dont take rejection very well. What size cement shoe do you wear by the way?

Anonymous Tina Fey said...

You know, I was feeling bad for what I said before. You are every bit as funny as DC, and to tell you the truth, I don't really have the authority to hire people for SNL, so I guess the weenie purveyor is yours to keep. Peace? We funny ladies have to stick together!

Blogger Dang Cold.. said...

stick together? out with the cheese whiz and in with the melted caramel.

champagne anyone?

dc - dealin' cards

Blogger Susie said...

hey, laurenbove, believe me, I know who my peeps are:)

johnny depp PLEASE DON'T BE GAY, JOHNNY. PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T BE GAY. I don't believe you. I wish the REAL Johnny would come here.

angelposh, welcome, you famous person, you. I'll take your word for it.

Tony, I got just 2 words for you, mister: Happy Birthday!

OK, Tina, just grab a weenie.

I wish Rico Suave began with DC.

Anonymous lawbrat said...

Oh My Goodness- 56 comments! You Go Girl!

Blogger Candace said...

HE'S NOT GAY!! YOU TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW, MISTER (or miss, as the case may be)!!!

Blogger Susie said...

lawbrat, you sexy thing, you started and ended the day with me:) I'm glad you had fun last night.

misfit, have you EVER seen anything more distressing? OK, but have you ever seen anything more distressing that was posted on a blog by someone impersonating a homosexual Johnny Depp? No, you have not. Nor have I. It's just wrong, on so many levels.

Anonymous POKEY said...

LadyBug, you know me so well. You know I don't go anywhere without THIS.


Blogger Bradley Egel said...

Now this...this is funny :) Hilarious stuff...I am very impressed with your readers' sense of humor :)

The Egel Nest

Blogger Susie said...

bradley, me, too. Every day, even when they're not being famous:)

Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Uh, we're so much funnier when we're being someone else?!
Ouch. ;)

Hee! On the Johnny Depp thing. Listen, my Mom just got into the whole ebay thing and bought a bunch of pictures of Johnny Depp and put them into an album. (I wish I was making this up). AND she says he's gay. Believe me, if my Mom says it, it MUST be true. She knows everything.

Anonymous Josephine March said...

Marmie, Amy, Meg, and Laurie -- come away from the fire and see what Susie has written about Booty Flies!

Remember when our dear Beth died of B.F? We said it was scarlet fever, because then there was such a huge stigma attached to the ailment, but now the truth can be told...

Our Dear Beth Had Swarms of Booty Flies, and We Love Her Anyhow!
Jo (and the remaining Little Women.)

Anonymous Ellen Degeneres said...

I just found you through the comment left by nilbo on dooce's blog. I am so lucky to have found you and I had no idea what I've been missing all these years. Since someone mentioned loving me in your booty flies post, I figured I should pop my head up and say hello! Since another truly impressive gay comedienne has stolen all the limelight here!

So..."hello" and "GAH!"

P.S. Would you hate me forever if I blogrolled you?

Blogger Susie said...

Ellen, darlin', you can totally blogroll me, if I can dance with you on your show sometime? Thanks for stopping in; I sure do love me some gay funny women:)

Blogger The Pink Panther said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Blogger The Pink Panther said...

[Too cool to be bothered, dahling]

Anonymous Luciano Pavarotti said...

I do not unnerstand the Eenglieesh so very well, but you are the lovely young weoo-man and I weel sing for you soon.

Blogger Susie said...

pavarotti, I would say "you rock," but we both know that's not so, and "you opera" just ain't right.

Blogger No_Newz said...

I felt the same way when Rosie O'Donnell commented on my blog. That is until I saw her name all over blogland. :( Oh heck, I stayed happy anyhow. LOL
Lois Lane


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