George Michael and Me
The following post contains the word, "ass," about 13 times. There are specific references to George Michael's ass, and to my own. If this disturbs you (and it probably should), then go away and come back another day. I'm usually not like this...
A couple of weeks ago, in the comments here, after I outed myself as an Aaron Neville groupie, we got into a discussion of George Michael (of WHAM! fame), and then of George Michael's butt, as explored by Dana Carvey in a late '80s SNL skit. Dana-as-George was a guest on Weekend Update, talking about the formula for a hit music video. Turns out, that formula relied heavily on George's ass. The following lines are some of what "George Michael" said to Dennis Miller, who was conducting the interview. Keep in mind, "it" always refers to George's butt:
"It is so perfectly round that British scientists use it to calibrate their instruments."
"Look at it!!! Look at it, Dennis! The worst thing you can do is try to ignore it!"
"It's a force to be reckoned with!"
"Look at it before it DESTROYS YOU!"
Jif and I were equally broken up by the absurdity of this skit, and over the years, whenever mention has been made of someone's bottom, we have resorted to quoting these outrageous claims and admonitions.
What does that have to do with me? Well, for starters, it gives you even more insight into the wacky workings of my sense of humor. But beyond that, I fancy that my own derriere is endowed with certain powers, as I revealed last summer on the beach at Assateague Island.* The following script is taken from that scene:
Susie (lying on blanket, face down, looks up and notes that sun's rays are aimed directly down the line of her body, from head to feet, and says to Jif): Am I getting any sun on the back of my thighs?
Jif (sitting in beach chair reading and watching LG playing with new friend in surf; he takes a long moment to look at the thighs and ponder the question): You're lying on the beach, face down, in a swimsuit, on a sunny day. Why would you not be getting sun on the back of your thighs?
Susie: Well, I... you know...
Susie: Just because, you know, the angle of the sun...
Susie: You know... shadows...
Jif (laughs): You think that your ass is casting such a shadow on your thighs that they're not getting any sun?
Susie: Well, yea.
Jif laughs. And laughs.
Susie: It's not FUNNY! Am I or not?
Jif: You're getting sun on your thighs. There is no shadow. (More laughter.) You really think that your ass can BLOCK THE SUN?
Susie: Oh, honey...I KNOW my ass can block the sun. In fact, I think, if I position it just right, my ass can CAUSE AN ECLIPSE. No, more than that. If I position my ass just right, for a long enough period of time, I think it COULD CAUSE THE NEXT ICE AGE. MY ASS COULD DESTROY THE WORLD!!!!
By this time, we are both in stitches.
Jif (shaking his head): I never thought I'd say this to you, but your ass is not nearly as powerful as you think.
Susie: Oh. Well, good.
End of scene
See? Me and George.
*OK, because I am pathologically honest, I must admit, it was Chincoteague Island. But ASSateague works so much better!
Disclaimers as required by law:
1. Sunbathing is bad for you. Don't do it.
2. If you choose to sunbathe anyway, use a high SPF sunblock. DO NOT rely on your ass (or mine) to protect you or your family from the sun's harmful rays.