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Tuesday, April 19, 2005

George Michael and Me

The following post contains the word, "ass," about 13 times. There are specific references to George Michael's ass, and to my own. If this disturbs you (and it probably should), then go away and come back another day. I'm usually not like this...

A couple of weeks ago, in the comments here, after I outed myself as an Aaron Neville groupie, we got into a discussion of George Michael (of WHAM! fame), and then of George Michael's butt, as explored by Dana Carvey in a late '80s SNL skit. Dana-as-George was a guest on Weekend Update, talking about the formula for a hit music video. Turns out, that formula relied heavily on George's ass. The following lines are some of what "George Michael" said to Dennis Miller, who was conducting the interview. Keep in mind, "it" always refers to George's butt:

"It is so perfectly round that British scientists use it to calibrate their instruments."
"Look at it!!! Look at it, Dennis! The worst thing you can do is try to ignore it!"
"It's a force to be reckoned with!"
"Look at it before it DESTROYS YOU!"

Jif and I were equally broken up by the absurdity of this skit, and over the years, whenever mention has been made of someone's bottom, we have resorted to quoting these outrageous claims and admonitions.

What does that have to do with me? Well, for starters, it gives you even more insight into the wacky workings of my sense of humor. But beyond that, I fancy that my own derriere is endowed with certain powers, as I revealed last summer on the beach at Assateague Island.* The following script is taken from that scene:

Susie (lying on blanket, face down, looks up and notes that sun's rays are aimed directly down the line of her body, from head to feet, and says to Jif): Am I getting any sun on the back of my thighs?

Jif (sitting in beach chair reading and watching LG playing with new friend in surf; he takes a long moment to look at the thighs and ponder the question): You're lying on the beach, face down, in a swimsuit, on a sunny day. Why would you not be getting sun on the back of your thighs?

Susie: Well, I... you know...

Jif waits.

Susie: Just because, you know, the angle of the sun...

Jif waits.

Susie: You know... shadows...

Jif (laughs): You think that your ass is casting such a shadow on your thighs that they're not getting any sun?

Susie: Well, yea.

Jif laughs. And laughs.

Susie: It's not FUNNY! Am I or not?

Jif: You're getting sun on your thighs. There is no shadow. (More laughter.) You really think that your ass can BLOCK THE SUN?

Susie: Oh, honey...I KNOW my ass can block the sun. In fact, I think, if I position it just right, my ass can CAUSE AN ECLIPSE. No, more than that. If I position my ass just right, for a long enough period of time, I think it COULD CAUSE THE NEXT ICE AGE. MY ASS COULD DESTROY THE WORLD!!!!
By this time, we are both in stitches.

Jif (shaking his head): I never thought I'd say this to you, but your ass is not nearly as powerful as you think.

Susie: Oh. Well, good.

End of scene


See? Me and George.

*OK, because I am pathologically honest, I must admit, it was Chincoteague Island. But ASSateague works so much better!

Disclaimers as required by law:
1. Sunbathing is bad for you. Don't do it.
2. If you choose to sunbathe anyway, use a high SPF sunblock. DO NOT rely on your ass (or mine) to protect you or your family from the sun's harmful rays.

51 heads are better than one . . .

Blogger Susie said...

Before you even ask...
AW, HELL NO, there will be no pictures to accompany this post.

 
Blogger Von Krankipantzen said...

That is very funny but the question remains; If I can't rely on your ass, Susie, whose ass can I rely on?

 
Blogger Greenthumb said...

Oh Susie! Oh Susie! You made me laugh...that's right...You made me laugh my ass off. Clever little wench.

 
Blogger Jomama said...

That was hilarious! I've never seen this SNL skit, and for some strange reason I imagine Dana Carvey's voice as Hanz or Franz (Pump you up!)

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was so going to ask for pictures. That was so funny. I started reading it half asleep, Im wide awake now from laughing!

lawbrat

 
Blogger Susie said...

crankypants, you do have a point there. OK, YOU can rely on my ass, but NO ONE else. It is powerful, but it can't save the world!

greenie, THAT really would be my exercise regimen of choice; if I could only get it to work, I'd make videos and be rich: "Laugh Your Ass Off With Susie!" Move over, Richard Simmons!

Rina Bee, you gotta see it. I've heard it's on the "Dana Carvey: Best of SNL" video/DVD. Go rent it; don't be a girlie man!

lawbrat, see, I know you. I was thinking, lawbrat comes by early sometimes, and she'll be all, "Pictures!" So happy to wake you up laughing!

 
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Wow, Susie. I don't know quite what to say. Your ass could DESTROY THE WORLD?! You have one powerful ass, girl. I don't care what Jif says.

I feel so... in-ass-equate now. The only thing my ass can do is make a better door than a window. Oh wait... and it can do a pretty good imitation of jello. The hard part, though is getting it to stop jiggling once you get it goin. ;)

 
Blogger Mamaramma said...

I don't know whether to feel happy or sad for you that your ass doesn't have the power to block the sun. I mean, I know it might be kind of depressing if it could, but, COME ON! Just think of the power you could wield if it could! Power beyond your wildest dreams!

 
Blogger laurenbove said...

Awww....no pictures?

This is truly the funniest post. Excellent, Susie! (Ass blocks the sun...still laughing at that one.)

 
Anonymous LadyBug said...

Making mental note...do not rely on Susie's ass to protect family from ultraviolet rays...

Well, I'd leave a longer comment, but it looks like I need to run to Wal-Mart and stock up on sunscreen now.

Sigh.

 
Blogger Ern said...

Holy cow, that is sooo funny!

But remember that an ass IS in fact a powerful tool, and its powers should not be taken lightly. While it may not be able to block out the sun, or calibrate british scientific instruments, it can be a powerful magnetic force. It can draw people irresistably into its proximity (as I imagine yours does for Jif) or it can repel with the strongest of force as well (Closet Metro's story of the deepest crevasse in MN is one example, plummer's crack is another).

So before you go poo-poohing the power of the ass, remember George Michael, and also your own magnetism!

 
Blogger Ern said...

By the way, I was reading the comments on your post from a couple of days ago, and "Jesus Doesn't Give a Rat's Ass if I Say, 'Fuck'" is my new favorite quote! I may use it myself if you don't mine, with full credit given, of course, to you.

 
Blogger marybishop said...

Oh my, I've thought my mouth could block the sun but never my ass. Hilarious!

 
Anonymous mrtl said...

Thank you for not posting a picture of your ass, Susie. Didn't Dana as George also say: "You have to look at it. You can't take your eyes off of it. It's mesmerizing!"? Talk about not getting anything done!

You just too bootylicious, girlfriend!

 
Anonymous mrtl said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
Blogger ieatcrayonz said...

Susie, I'm starting to burn. Could you shift the eclipse a little to the left?

Loved it. I needed a good laugh.

 
Blogger Squirl said...

That was great. Why is it that women always worry about their bodies. A guy could stand up in the sun and never get any tan on his front thighs from his giant beer gut hanging over. And he would still consider himself one of the most studly guys on the beach.

 
Blogger Annejelynn said...

this post has saved me, as recently I've become a lil' more obsessed than I already am on any regular day.... to realize I'm not the only woman, neurotically concerned with her ass and its size and its ability to BLOCK THE SUN and mess up proper sun exposure (as if sun exposure is what we want) - oh no, trust me! I'm well versed in the proper and most thorough application of SPF - I slather it on baby! yer post made me laugh my ass off (I wish!)

 
Blogger Torrie said...

My ass has an SPF of 435.

 
Blogger SierraBella said...

I'm so glad you were not em-bare-assed to share this story!

 
Blogger Spurious Plum said...

I was going to make a 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' joke that involved your ass, but I'll just laugh instead.

Susie, you're a crackup.

 
Blogger Susie said...

Oh, dear, I went out to make a living and got a little behind (a BIG behind?) in my replies; let me go from the BOTTOM up, this time (I'm killin' myself, here...)

Plum, I know that song! "Once upon a time there was light in my life...NOW SUSIE'S ASS HAS BLOCKED THE SUN!!!!

SierraBella, ba dum BUM! You know what they say, "If you've got it, right a story about it on the internet." What? They don't? Oh...my bad.

Torrie, THAT, my friend, is a powerful sunblocking ASS. Do you rent it out? You could put the beach umbrella guy out of business;)

Annejelynn, I'm so happy to see you here, darlin'. Of course you're not the only one! I think everyone should write a big ol' post about their ass! (Or a little one.)

Squirl, that is SO true. Sometimes you just look at 'em and think, "Wonder if he knows he looks like that." And the answer is, he doesn't care. Wish I could be more like that. Although, as you can see, I'm headed in that direction. (Ohgoodlord, what kind of woman writes an internet essay about how huge her ass is? I need serious help.)

Robyn, OK, just this once. But you know, you could eat a lot of cookies and sit and blog a lot, and develop your OWN...

Mrtl, yes, I'd forgotten the mesmerizing part. Hey...I use hypnosis in my work. I wonder if...

MB, maybe we could take turns? I know you're about serving your fellow man, as am I...

Ern, as always, you bring keen insight to the discussion. I am most thankful that while signifant repulsion may be at work, Jif still remains attracted, as you so accurately hypothesized. Yes, let us celebrate magnetism! (Hey, you're a scientist, don't larger objects generate greater magnetism?)
And as for using that quote, I would be honored. Use it freely. Even before I began blogging, an essay of that title has been rolling around in my head. I'll write it someday. On the other hand, I think the title kind of expresses my opinion pretty well on its own;)

LadyBug, save your receipt...if I spend much more time sitting on it, blogging, I just might be able to protect you and your family. I've never SAT so much in my adult life!

laurenbove, both Jif and I had trouble sleeping last night, so we had some tea, I finished this piece and posted it, and I visited a few blogfriends, including you. And I said to Jif, "Oh no, what have I become? I used to think I was fairly intellectual...look at this...laurenbove has a very thoughtful, intelligent post with patriotism, and the Ottoman Empire...and I just posted an essay on MY ASS! Waaaaa!"

Mamaramma, the challenge, as always, is to look on the bright side (ASSuming my ass hasn't obscured it entirely)...the truth of my ass is, it's somewhere between me lying on the beach bottom-up without giving it a thought, and being powerful enough to destroy the world. I wish it would just go all the way, in one direction or the other...

CK, you are so assequate! Don't hate it, celebrate it! Nominate it! Decorate it! Sounds like your ass is a real mover and shaker!

WOOHOO, I made it through this round! You all are so much FUN:)

 
Blogger Greenthumb said...

Thank you for finally sitting down, it was getting a bit cold up here in Seattle, but the sun is out again and things are looking up.

 
Blogger Susie said...

greenie, spoken like a true little brother.

 
Blogger _Summer_ said...

Hmm..."Susie and her magnificent ass. Look at it before it destroys you!"

A great tagline for when you join the circus sideshow. ;)

Great post. Enjoyed it tremend-ass-ly. :D

 
Blogger kimmyk said...

That's nice you and your husband can talk about yer booty.

I'm sure your booty is absolutely bootilicious!

 
Blogger Susie said...

oh, SierraBella, I just read the comments and the copyeditor in me must make a correction: that shoulda been "write a story," NOT "write a story," of course. It's write. It definitely ain't right.

Ah, Summer, you are such an inspiration. Psychotherapy is my second career. Now I know what my third will be. Only tricky part will be breaking the news to my clients, "It has truly been my pleasure and privilege, accompanying you on your journey...but now I must take my MAGNIFICENT ASS on the road..."

kimmyk, your comment tickles me. We've been talking for over 27 years. Yea, I'm not even gonna make a joke. It is really nice. Now he has read the comments and is very proud that my ass is famous; he came home from work and patted the famous ass, and said to it, "Finally, you're using your powers for good."

 
Blogger little sister said...

LMFAO! (if only that were physically possible)

Susie, that is the funniest ass story I've ever heard!

But then, it might be the only ass story I've heard...

 
Blogger Torrie said...

Susie, JLo has nothing on me.

 
Blogger Nilbo said...

I used to have an ass that had its own gravitational field. But I lost a whack of weight in the past year, so now I have white guy flat-ass syndrome (WGFAS)... I miss my ass.

Damn I love reading your blog ...

 
Blogger Nicolette said...

I am compelled to link to you for the second time in a week, I hope you're pleased with yourself!

 
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Nilbo! If you'd like, I can send you some of my ass... trust me. I have enough to go around! (and around and around)

Oh, and that "using your powers for good"... THAT cracks me up! (heh, ass - cracks me up! HA!)

 
Blogger Susie said...

little sister, I don't think there are nearly enough ass stories on blogs! I say there should be an ass-post day!

torrie, you sound pretty self-ASSured, there, girl. Jlo is fame-ASS for this sort of thing...

nilbo, my condolences on the loss of your ass. Sounds like it was most impressive, with the gravitational field and all. Probably easier to find pants now, though, you know, looking on the bright side.

nicolette, I am actually a bit more pleased with my ass today than I was yesterday. I knew of its obvious 2 or 3 functions, but was not so aware of its ability to bring people together, as has happened here. Yes, I am most pleased. And thank you for the linkage;)

CK, I hope you know what you're getting into, offering Nilbo your ass (or part thereof).

Very funny, comin' over here makin' ASS-CRACKS. This is a RESPECTABLE blog, you ass-clown!

(You know I love you:)
Actually, it WAS a respectable blog. I think the last of my evangelical contingent just packed up and headed for cleaner pastures:(

 
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Oh no... I hadn't thought of that, Thanks, Susie! You just saved my ass!

Sorry, Nilbo. I'll have to take back the offer. You understand, don't you?

What?! This is a RESPECTABLE blog?! Why didn't anyone tell me? I'm SO sorry...

 
Blogger Yvonne said...

Just discovered you through another blog. HILARIOUS. SNL was great back in those days. So was George Michael. How things change. Thanks for this post. I laughed until I stopped.

 
Blogger Annejelynn said...

susie, I think you should post your responses to our comments as a post (did that make sense?)
they are just as amusing and hilarious as your original posts for which we make our comments...maybe my interest in this proposal is selfish - but I don't wanna miss your responses to my comments, specifically BUT in generally, I love your responses to all our comments...the one to Torrie about JLo's famASS? again, I'm laughing my ass off (and it just comes right back!?!)

 
Blogger Annejelynn said...

Greenie's typical lil' brother comment is the best! ...thanks for sitting down... (evil snicker)

 
Blogger Susie said...

citrus, thanks for stopping in. I still like SNL and George Michael. Laughed until you stopped...then I started. You seem like a smartASS, and I like that.

Ah, Annejelynn, THAT is what's known as "boomerang ass." You know, the commenters here have entertained me quite a lot. If I can figure out how, maybe I'll just copy it and post it as a post. You know what I mean.

 
Blogger IMERGE Consulting said...

That was really funny!

 
Blogger Torrie said...

Aaaa huh, huh huh... ASS.

 
Blogger Nilbo said...

When Circus Kelli offered me her ass, my first thought was to come back with the new York City cabbie response: "Lady, aintcha got nuttin' smaller?" But I decided to be all nice, and now look what it's got me ... no ass. Mine or hers. (sigh)

Anyway ... it was the best offer of a piece of ass I've gotten all week ... so that's nice.

 
Blogger Dang Cold.. said...

man did I miss out on this string of comments.

Susie baby I have no problem living in a world that can be destroyed by your ass. In some texts, the hindu god Shiva destroys the world by doing a dance. He will then dance again and thus create the world. One could say He shakes his ass and creates or destroys life. Your ass is divine;

Shakin' that ass
Shakin' that ass

As for Nilbo and CK's ass. That item, sir, is the sole property of Dang Cold. All solicitations are prohibited and subject to prosecution unless state otherwise by said owner. Any offers by CK of said ass, as a result, are null and void automatically.

Love ya Susie!! :D

dc (denny crane)

 
Blogger Susie said...

Dang! You came back to my ass! We've all missed you so much!
Denny Crane. You're killin' me here!

Look everyone, Dang's back!

 
Blogger Closet Metro said...

I'm curious as to how Torrie measured the SPF of her ass.

 
Blogger Nicolette said...

"nicolette, I am actually a bit more pleased with my ass today than I was yesterday. I knew of its obvious 2 or 3 functions, but was not so aware of its ability to bring people together, as has happened here. Yes, I am most pleased. And thank you for the linkage;) "

I believe that it could make the UN obsolete. All we have to do is beam an image of your ass across the world - and out into space - and all wars will cease.

 
Blogger Susie said...

Torrie, please explain to Closet Metro and the rest of the class...

Aw, Nicolette, for THAT, I would have to publish a photograph....well, OK, I'd do it for that. I think on THAT note, I'm going to take Annejelynn's suggestion and try to publish this puppy, because where could it possibly go from here? The post started out with my ass as a DESTROYER, and now, through the wisdom(?) of blog commenters, it has evolved to the point of being a PEACEKEEPER.
My ass is a uniter, not a divider...

 
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Nilbo - Your comment made me laugh. So sorry to disappoint. As to the "ain't you got nuthin smaller?" Hee, well, yes, I do, but I'm afraid that would take this conversation a little North of the current topic.

Dang Cold, DC, Denny Crane, whoever you are - I was not aware that ownership of my ass had been transferred to you. When did that happen? Why am I just finding out about this now?

I believe that possession is 9/10 of the law. Since I am in sole posession of my ass, I think I may have to take this up in court. My lawyer says I have a pretty good case. His exact words were, "I think the case involving your ass has two legs to stand on."

 
Blogger metal said...

this is only a test, i tried to sent it several times and i don't know what append.

 
Blogger metal said...

this is only a test, i tried to sent it several times and i don't know what append.

 
Blogger metal said...

this is only a test.

 
Blogger metal said...

this is only a test.

 


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