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Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Booty Flies ~ from "My Life in the Stirrups"

Between the routine gotta-do-it visits to the gynecologist, and various sadistic treatments for infertility before and after LG's arrival, I have spent more than my fair share of time butt-nekkid in the stirrups. I have shared (with another audience) a few short vignettes, which I call "My Life in the Stirrups." This is one of the stories from that "collection."

WARNING: The following is for mature audiences only (no, wait, no one who comes here could read it)... what I mean to say is, the following is the one and only post on this blog that contains the words, "my" and "vagina" adjacent to one another in the same sentence. If that troubles you, go read something else and come back later in the week.


Booty Flies

I’ve had a long and wide-ranging career in the stirrups. The best, most beloved gynecologist I ever had was a 50-something, Colombian-born doctor named Joaquin. I didn’t call him by his first name, but that’s how I always thought of him, because I’d never known a Joaquin, and because I was pretty sure he looked just like one. He was happily married, as was demonstrated by the photos of his pretty, smiling wife with their 8 or 10 or 15 beautiful, smiling children, which were allovertheplace in his office. He was kind and gentle, and explained everything he did. “This is just my finger. This is just the speculum.”

My sister-in-law, who recommended him, told me how gentle and thorough and explanatory he was. One time he said to her, “This is just my foot . . .” We figured it must have been a language thing. English was clearly at least a second language, if not a third or fourth, and his Colombian accent was quite thick, albeit thoroughly charming.

I liked him first because he asked me, as part of his get-acquainted interview, whether I had any trouble reaching orgasm. Well, no I don’t, Joaquin, but I thank you very kindly for asking. No other doc has ever asked that (before or since). And shouldn’t they all? So many women do have trouble, but don’t say anything, and wouldn’t it just help so much if someone would just flat-out ask? So I liked him, because he cared about women’s sexual happiness.

So I’m there in Joaquin’s stirrups. He’s examining me prior to my wedding, when I’ve come to be fitted for the diaphragm that I will never ever use even once in my life, but I’m going to be grown up and responsible now, so I’ll have proper adult contraception. While he’s doing his thing, and I’m looking for a pattern in the holes in the ceiling tiles, he says very sweetly, “Susie, you have booty flies.” I am stunned. He says it again. “Just booty flies.” Ohmygod. How can this be happening to me? I am a good girl. I am so clean. I am so careful. How will I tell Jif? Did I get them from Jif? Wait. What are booty flies? And how do you get them, and deargod how do you get rid of them before the wedding?

I am panicking. I am sweating, trying to control my breathing. My eyes fill up with tears. I am frightened and embarrassed. Something off to the right catches my eye. It is the nurse, there to witness, to chaperone, and she is frantically waving a hand to get my attention. She wants me to look at her face. She’s been watching me deteriorate into a frightened, shamed, booty flies carrier. I can’t look at her.

I look at her. She points to her eye and then she silently mouths, very slowly and deliberately: “BEE-YOO-TEE-FULL EYES.” Over and over, she does this. OH!!!! I don’t have booty flies!!! I have beautiful eyes! I have beautiful eyes! I have beautiful eyes! Thank you, Jesus!! Thank you, Joaquin. And now I’m laughing. The gathered tears spill out and run earward, and I shake with laughter, and then I shout it, loudly and happily, “Thank you!! Thank you!!” Joaquin suddenly stops what he’s doing, is still for a long moment, while I laugh out loud and repeat thankyouthankyouthankyou. Then he leans sideways on his stool to look at me, smiles a small smile and nods. It’s been several minutes since he diagnosed the booty flies. He has no idea for what I am thanking him so enthusiastically. Did he just discover a happy new spot, to be named later with a letter of the alphabet and a hyphen? The J-spot, for Joaquin. The nurse has turned away so he can’t see her laughing. I smile at her back – her bouncy hair shakes, her shoulders shake, her hips shake with silent laughter.

I like a man who can look deeply into my vagina and tell me I have beautiful eyes.

148 heads are better than one . . .

Blogger Nilbo said...

OK ... my arrested adolescence aside, that was a wonderful, hilarious story, perfectly told. It's one of my top ten stories I've read on any blog, and I'm going to get anybody I can to read it. You, my dear, are an insanely terrific writer, in spite of your booty flies.

 
Blogger lawbrat said...

That was fantastic. You have a talent for writing. I was laughing out loud, my youngest came over to see what was so funny, and he just read the bold 'thank you!! Thank you!!' Then I changed tabs. :-)

 
Blogger Susie said...

nilbo, how kind of you. I guess I'll stop hoping Roxy bites you. At least for today;)

lawbrat, thank you. That happens here sometimes, too. We have our only computer in the family room so we can "police" what LG reads and sees. But who will police ME?

 
Blogger marybishop said...

Wonderful writing, hilarious - I could feel myself in your place - the shame and fear - on no booty flies! This story I will remember forever!

 
Blogger Jomama said...

I am trying not to laugh out loud, but it's so hard!! That is one of the funniest things I have every read. I can't even imagine how I would have felt if I had been in your position. Great story!

 
Blogger Cat said...

Awesome. Priceless. I am laughing out loud RIGHT NOW! Booty flies. BOOTY FLIES!

BWAH!

 
Blogger _Summer_ said...

Glad it wasn't "booty flies," Susie. :) Them there varmints do somethin' awful to a booty.

Not that I would know.

 
Blogger Squirl said...

I always thought they were fruit flies. What do I know?

 
Blogger Effie said...

I am howling with laughter!! I can just imagine how you felt when he said "you have booty flies" and when you found out--you made that nurse's day I bet! And when that Doc went home that day and said "Sweetie, I had the most interesting day--there was this girl with booty flies and she started screaming 'THank you thank you' on the table--I've never seen anything like it....."
hahahaha

Thanks Susie!!

 
Blogger Kitty said...

This was a real chat conversation...

Squirl... good morning, sweetie. did you read bucky's vacation post?
Kitty... no i'm on susie's site reading about her booty flies
Squirl... omg, haven't made it there yet
Kitty... you have GOT to read it, it is the funniest thing since frigging goobers penut butter and jelly
Kitty... peanut
Kitty... wtfever

Susie - you rank high in the blogging ranks girlfriend. You got all the animals in the yard cluckin about you!

 
Blogger Susie said...

MB,thank you for your empathy. I have remembered it well for 22 years!

rina bee, oh go ahead and laugh out loud, it's good for the baby!

cat, I'm tellin' you, they're out there. A girl can't be too careful...

Summer, so I've heard ... I was picturing flystrips and swatters and heavenonlyknows...

squirl, that's only if you wear those fruit-flavored undies...
squirl?

effie, ohmygosh, I had never thought of that. I'll bet he still tells the story of me the way I still tell the story of him! Wonder if he's got a blog...

kitty, thank you, I like having an animal contingent. So you and squirl allegedly "work" together, there on the "job," eh?

 
Blogger Cindy said...

I like to laugh, giggle, and chuckle, etc. Not only did I have those reactions while reading your post, I also cried. Not many people can cause such a reaction from me. Thank you for the lovely post - I'm still wiping tears from my eyes.

PS: the tears at first were from laughter, but the final sentence "I like a man who can look deeply into my vagina and tell me I have beautiful eyes." hit me in a personal way.

Thanks for evoking great emotions!

Have a lovely day!!!

 
Blogger Susie said...

giggles, thank you, I'm glad for the laughter. And thank you for the P.S. You caught me; that goes beyond the silly for me, too. You have a lovely day, as well:)

 
Anonymous LadyBug said...

SHAME ON YOU, Susie. Your disclaimer at the beginning should include a warning about NOT reading this entry at work. I was seriously laughing out loud at that one. I tried to do the cough/snort thing at first, to mask it; but by the end I was just kind of holding my breath, chest heaving and shoulders shaking from trying to suppress the giggles. Now I have a headache.

"booty flies." Oh, Lord help me, that was funny.

 
Blogger Spurious Plum said...

Dude. What's this guy's office number? My doc never looks into the hoo-hoo abyss and compliments my eyes...but maybe you just have better eyes. Dammit!

 
Blogger Southern Fried Girl said...

That story made me laugh so hard that a combo of Coke and Fritos came dangerously close to coming out of a nostril. Breakfast of champions, donchaknow?

 
Anonymous mrtl said...

When Nilbo mentioned this on Dooce, I thought he was linking to an old post. How did I miss it? I've read everything!

Oh I'm laughing so hard. But I wonder, if you did have trouble reaching orgasm, what would Joaquin do? "This is just my finger. Be amazed at the power of JUST my finger! I can teach your husband. Call now! Classes fill quickly."

 
Blogger Greenthumb said...

I've said it before and I'll say it again...Blogstar. Mostly I'm just glad that booty flies are not real. How would one explain that??? It does make you wonder how far that speculum was going up inside to be able see your eyes.

 
Blogger Snickrsnack Katie said...

I think I just choked on my Ozarka Spring Water when I read this story. I could just imagine myself in your position, laying there, staring at the ceiling, trying to fathom what in the world booty flies are and how they will affect the rest of my life. You really are a great writer - thanks for making my day!

 
Blogger Random and Odd said...

Yeah...that was the best story on the net so far!

LOVE YOU!

 
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Susie, you make-a me wet my assless chaps!

Hey, at least your gyn didn't look directly into your fun factory while asking "So, how old are your children?" and then you have to answer back, in complete mortification, "Um, I don't have any children..." and then he says "Oh." and doesn't speak again for a really, really long time.

Squirl, Kitty...shame on you both. I'm so proud.

 
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA! I don't care who you are, that's funny right there.

Oh Lordy, I'm laughing the trying-to-stifle-the-laugh-but-it's-giving-me-a-headache-to-do-so-and-look-out-work-people-i'm-going-to-laugh-out-loud" laugh.

And I have a pretty loud laugh. It's genetic. ;)

 
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

I've just emailed the link to Erika, my best friend at work. She doesn't read many blogs.

AND, I've added the link to my site because I think it's so funny.

Heh, and similar to what dashababymama said in a previous comment, I'll carry this "booty flies" around with me for a long time.

Some things you read in the blogosphere tend to stick with you.

I have one question: What did Jif say about your booty flies? Did he already know you had them?

 
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
Blogger the niffer said...

Whether or not he discovered a J spot, I want your doc! He sounds awesome. Super story.

 
Anonymous Sarah said...

LOL! Thanks! I needed that laugh... keep on bloggin'.

 
Anonymous Amy in the Twin Cities said...

Thank God I have a private office! However there's a transom window next to the door, so I still have to hide behind the door and cover my mouth while tears run down my face from laughing so hard. Classic, Susie, absolutely classic.

 
Blogger WILLIAM said...

Classic story and written so well.

 
Blogger Andrea said...

And I admire a woman who can use the words "my vagina" in her blog and not be fazed by it.

You rock, Susie Q.

 
Anonymous Emma said...

I'm lying on my carpet howling with laughter - that was fantastic, thank you! Came over from Dooce to read it and so glad I did, you've made my day. :)

 
Blogger Susie said...

ladybug, soorreeee. Next time I'll do more disclaiming;)

plum, au contraire, mon luscious fruit. You have most unforgettable eyes. I am specifically remembering you as Professor Plum. You need a better doc. Maybe look for a 50ish Colombian.

sfg, your taste in blogs may be questionable, but you are clearly a connoisseur of fine snacks;)

mrtl, the second part of your comment: LVL (laughed very loudly); the first part, however NSM...ONHD (nearly shit myself...oh no he di'int!)

greenie, just be thankful you got the parts you got, know'm sayin'?

katiebbaw, "how they will affect the rest of my life," indeed! heehee Thank you, love.

Aw, kristine, you're so sweet. LOVE backatcha.

bucky, glad to make you go all brainy. I gotta tell you, I remember that post of yours, which in my mind was entitled, "Bucky's Cavernous Vagina." Hello o o o in there ere ere ere!

GOTTA GET BACK TO WORK! TALK TO THE REST OF YOU LATER! THANKS FOR COMIN' TO SEE ME:)

 
Blogger Lala said...

I, too, am going to link to your story so all my infertile blogging friends can read about it. They'd appreciate it more than you know. It was v v funny!!

 
Blogger Mamaramma said...

Where is this Joaquin, and why can't he be everyone's OBGYN? On second thought, now that I know his style, I'd be jealous if he didn't diagnose me with booty flies. Hmmm, now about those gnats in my vagina... (kidding, kkidding!!!)

 
Anonymous sarah said...

Ha! I just remembered something. When I was a teenager I went to Dr. Hassan, an Indian doctor, and well, I had really mild acne and I asked if he could prescribe something. He told me to wash my face with "liver soap." I was appalled and had no clue where and what liver soap was. Eventually I realized he was say, "Lever" soap--as in Lever 2000. The funny thing is, Lever DID clear up my acne!

 
Blogger SierraBella said...

I'd rather have booty flies than cock roaches...
Great post as usual.

 
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Sierrabella -- Very, very funny. I like that! :)

 
Blogger ieatcrayonz said...

WebMD would so pay for that story! Loved it, loved it, loved it! I was actually mouthing the BEE-YOO-TEE-FULL EYES as I read it. I was expecting it to be "Butterflies" from nervousness. If he can see your beaufiful eyes from your vagina, then he can surely see the butterflies in your stomach.

 
Blogger laurenbove said...

Wow! That was a great story and really made me LOL. For real, baby. Booty flies.

Your moment in the stirrups sounds better than most of the dates I can remember having. If he served martinis as well, I'd be calling for an appointment immediately!

 
Blogger Squirl said...

Robyn thought the same thing that I did. I thought he meant you were having butterflies over your wedding plans. duh

Yes, Kitty and I go to the same building and pretend to work. I have to introduce her to Bucky some day. They are quite alike in some ways, like total irreverence toward most things in life.

Loved this post!

 
Blogger Susie said...

CK, aka Larry the Cable Guy. They don't call Jif "The Frog" for nothing. (Susie's inner mama: I told you, don't act like a damn fool just to make the other kids laugh!)

niffer, he truly was the best, and I've had a zillion of 'em.

sarah, amy, emma, welcome, and thank you for visiting. Glad to share the funny.

william, thank you. It tickles me to see you here, since you first visited on such a "serious" non-goofy day:)

andrea, truth be told, I'm not exactly "unfazed;" more than once, I asked Jif, you SURE that's not TMI?

lala, thanks for that. When I was in the midst of the infertility treatments, I had probably never even heard of a blog. It would have been great to have had the support that those folks offer each other.

mamaramma, just go buy a can of pantyRAID!

sarah, LIVER is good for SO many things;)

sierrabella, I'm gonna have to install sound effects -- I keep needing a rimshot for your comments!

robyn, ya think? Never used my vagina to make money before...no really, never... And you're so right, he would have passed the butterflies en route...

laurenbove, he was VERY hospitable, I'm sure if I had asked, he woulda had some refreshments;)

 
Blogger RO said...

u r funny
with a capital f

booty flies
would scare me too

 
Blogger Susie said...

YOU, ro, get the capital f out of here! NO, I mean WELCOME! Are you kidding me? Where is everybody! Look who's visiting my little blog! Seriously, Rosie, I'm shaking. What a geeky fan I am.

I AM NEVER WASHING THIS BLOG AGAIN!!!!

LG, hurry, call daddy!!

 
Anonymous Julie said...

*sigh*

My OB/GYN moved out of town a few months ago ... to Sedona, as a matter of fact. I tried to track him down while I was out there, but his wife had already taken out a restraining order.

A good OB/BYN is hard to find. It's not like I can take them for a test drive first. I mean, I guess I could, but I suspect it would get really uncomfortable after awhile ... in every sense of the word.

 
Blogger Ern said...

OMG!! ROSIE VISITED YOUR BLOG! I AM LIKE FOUR DEGREES OF SEPARATION FROM THAT. Wow. You rock!

Also, I loved your story, it is hilarious. I would think that if you laughed in the stirrups it would make you clench up, and that's no fun for anyone!

 
Blogger little sister said...

Now, THIS, Susie, is the kind of post I expect from you! Booty Flies! OMFG! I was trying not to laugh out loud, but I couldn't help it.

Especially the last sentence: "I like a man who can look deeply into my vagina and tell me I have beautiful eyes."

Besides that I'm stuffed with birthday treats here, I'm jealous as hell!

Booty flies...I might have to mention that one to the Hot Prof;-)

Or not - he may not understand.

 
Blogger Paula said...

Susie I totally related to the feet-in-the-stirrips situation, was feeling so badly about your booty flies until I found out what it was. Thanks for the laugh, I needed it BADLY!!!!

 
Blogger Greenthumb said...

OMG!!! you got it goin' on gurl!!! Congrats...you are so worthy of any and all things that come your way...never doubt it.

 
Blogger little sister said...

These comments are damn near as funny as booty flies.

Gawd, booty flies are going to make me laugh for the rest of the week!

 
Blogger Susie said...

hey, Julie, yea, there are some activities you just don't wanna combine with driving (?)

ern, honey, YOU are only... 3 comments away, and one of them was me, so that doesn't count. Can you BELIEVE it? I went all a-twitter. I'm happy to have friendly witnesses, though. It's not like I can go running through the streets of blogworld saying, "Rosie's at my house!" I did run and tell my brother, greenie, but I don't think he's home;)

Ahem, back here on earth, you know, you make a good point, and I do not remember any clenching. I suspect I was so relieved that I actually relaxed from clenching when I started laughing...yea, I'd say that was it...

 
Blogger Susie said...

greenie, you came right over! Hold me for a minute, I went a little goofy. Just not EVER expecting a thing like that, you know? There, that's better. As always, you know what to say. It's like you're some gay man or something... ;)

oh, squirl, you sneaked (snuck?) your furry tail in there:) I think Bucky and Kitty will get along just fine. I'll count on you to be the brainy one in the group.

little sister, are you saying it's ya birfday? I'll come and see you in a bit. If so, HAPPY TO YOU, girl. I'll send you some booty flies or somethin'...

hey, hey paula, I want to marry you... sorry, that's just what came out. I'm sure you're wonderful, but I am already married. And I'm happy we had what you needed this afternoon:)

 
Blogger little sister said...

Sorry, Susie - 'snot my birthday; it's Jeff's birthday (he's a first-year associate here at Dewey Screwum & Howe...but for some reason we brought in a 'shload of food, and I'm full and need a nap.

z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z

 
Blogger Susie said...

well, little sister, you don't have to get 'snotty...

 
Blogger Mamaramma said...

Wow - I couldn't tell who "rosie" was from her thumbnail photo, and then I clicked on it - WOW! You rock the blogiverse!

 
Blogger Susie said...

thank you, mamaramma, maybe for a moment today. But look who YOU get to rock every day, at least for a bit longer:) I meant what I said about that being a great children's book idea; so sweet and funny...

 
Blogger Andrea said...

OHMYGOSHROSIEWASHERE!!! ANDSHESAIDYOUAREFUNNY!!! ANDSHEKNOWSFUNNY!!!

wow...

 
Blogger Susie said...

andrea
ANDYOUMADEMELAUGH!!!
ANDROSIESAIDIAMFUNNY!!!
ANDSHEKNOWSFUNNY!!!
ANDNOWIGOTTAGOCOOKDINNER!!!

 
Blogger Nilbo said...

Pfft. Cooking dinner. And Rosie O'Donnell was here? I'd think you'd have your own personal chef by now.

Oh, sure, now you'll be all "Yeah, I used to know them ..."

Heeheeheee.

 
Blogger Susie said...

nilbo WHO? never heard of him... ;)

 
Blogger Nilbo said...

... and so it starts ... (grin)

 
Blogger whfropera said...

you made my day - booty flies indeed

 
Blogger Dang Cold.. said...

SUSIE WAS MY FRIEND FIRST!! I KNEW HER FIRST!! I LOVE YOU SUSIE!! :)

XOX

DC - deranged cracker

 
Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

That is way way way hysterical. I am also very happy for you that you dont have booty flies because I would assume that would make it impossible to wear a skirt without calling attention to yourself.

 
Blogger Squirl said...

Girl, you've got Rosie commenting on your site? That is one of those "now I can die happy" kind of things. At least it is in the blogging world. You keep coming up with these brainy stories and you'll have the celebrities pouring in to read you. pouring in.....? Well, you know what I mean.

 
Blogger Candace said...

AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

That was freakin' awesome!

You have a gift, really. Intelligent AND witty. Rare and wonderful!

 
Blogger Susie said...

operagirl, good to see you again. I am happy to have added a little somethin' to your day:)

deranged cracker, first, I LOVE your name. Second, while ro has certainly ASKED to be my new best blogfriend, there is no way I would leave you for her. I mean, what does she have that you don't? You have all those houses, and boats, and you hang out with the cool people . . .what? Uuuhhh, dang, lemme get back to ya...

dimpled chin
dog catcher
(I can't top deranged cracker. I come from a mentally ill Hillbillian family. YOU are my peeps...sniff)

jessicarabbit, the worst part is the buzzin'...

squirl, dying happy is the next thing on the agenda, 'cause now I can't think of another funny thing to say. I was gonna post my grocery list tomorrow...

 
Blogger Candace said...

And are you KIDDING ME????!!!!

I guess I should have read the comments before I commented.

HOLY FREAKING CRAP!

You's a cee-lebrity now, Susie-Q! (said in my bestest Hillbillie drawl.)

 
Blogger Susie said...

misfit, thank you for your very kind compliment and for the Hillbillian dialect. HOLY FREAKING CRAP! indeed. Wasn't that cool? I was most tickled:)

 
Blogger ducklet said...

sometimes i skip to the last line of a blog post and read backwards.

big mistake this time ;)

 
Blogger Susie said...

brando, Well, what kind of freakin' annoying-ass comment is THAT? My husband finds your comment very amusing, which may get him injured soon; he likes to say things that exasperate me and I think he thinks you're a kindred spirit;)
BTW, I miss your pain-in-the-neck photo. (And also BTW, I only tease those I really like).

 
Blogger _Summer_ said...

WOW!

Look at you Miss Thang! (Er, I'm talking to you, Susie.) I can't wait to say, "I knew [of] her when..."

;)

 
Blogger Closet Metro said...

Susie, you rock. Madison-Square-Garden-sold-out-for-a-month-of-shows Rock.

 
Blogger Torrie said...

Hold me closer tony danza.

There's a bathroom on the right.

Excuse me while I kiss this guy.

 
Blogger Susie said...

summer, yea, I'm trying to work the Miss Thang angle; been sittin' here waitin' for the next celebrity sighting...hoping for Johnny Depp...my ass is going to sleep...

ooh, closet metro, I LIKE it... Susie and the Booty Flies...

torrie, give me your keys, honey. Sit here with me for a little while...

 
Blogger Greenthumb said...

wow...what a day for you Sis. You really stirred up the blog dust this time. Now you have to figure out how to one up this. Okay, okay, maybe that's too much pressure.

Really though, you only have to be yourself to keep that blogstar shining. Don't let this get you all blown out of proportion...enjoy it for what it is...are you hearing me?

SO HELP ME!!!! if you get all famous and leave me I'll throw myself down and, and, and... oh who am I kidding. You just keep doin' yo thang sista friend. MWAH!!!!! >>>>HUGS<<<<

Good one C.M.

 
Blogger mrsmogul said...

WOW! Great post! Came by bRando. Hmm you think your little girl would like my faity tale post today! I will keep reading!!

 
Blogger Susie said...

greenie, you just hitch your wagon to my star, baby. We're goin' places! (Mostly places that end in "mart": Wal-Mart, PetSmart . . .)

mrsmogul, thank you. I popped over to your fairy tale for just a moment, and I will go back to read more...but mrsmogul, my daughter's not allowed to read words like that..even with the *** taking the place of some of the letters...

 
Blogger Nilbo said...

What, sleeping in today, resting on your laurels ...? The bar has been raised. People are no doubt clicking on your blog, wondering where today's latest hilarious post from that Susie character is. I mean, after all, this is one of those blogs the celebrities check out ...

(giggling as I imagine you hunched over your keyboard, sweating bullets ...)

Oh .. and, Good Morning :)

 
Blogger Susie said...

nilbo, ehhehehheh -- that's my pre-coffee laugh/cough combo. The laurels are actually pretty comfy, and I don't really do the bars anymore. I re-read yesterday's post and it's still plenty hilarious. Gonna stick to plan. I usually post a "bigger" one on Tuesday or Wednesday, then take the day off and go read other folks on Wednesday or Thursday...life goes on... Besides, I promised greenie I'd take him to the Wal-Mart today;)

 
Anonymous kalki said...

You're fabulous, Susie, and not just because Rosie dropped by. (Although that's SO FREAKIN' COOL!!)

 
Blogger ADAMANT said...

Great, great story. I am not sure how I would respond to my Doctor if she said the same thing to me whilst holding on to my undercarriage, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't laugh!

 
Blogger Greenthumb said...

Wooohoo! Going to WalMart!!! (spanking myself)

 
Blogger Susie said...

kalki, thank you and welcome back. I enjoyed your trip:) And I gotta go with you on the "FREAKIN' COOL!!"

ADAMANT, at first, your name alarmed me. Now I give you the sirens, confetti, etc., for giving us the word of the day, never before uttered on this blog: undercarriage.

greenie, I heeheeheeHEEEEEE love you. heeheeeeee

 
Blogger Mrs.Strizzay said...

Susie, that story was the shit.

 
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Just a moment...
Greenie -- if you keep doing that, you'll go blind.

Back to Susie -- GIRL! Let me first point out that NOT EVEN DOOCE HERSELF has had RO comment on her site! YOU, SUSIE, YOU are DA VERY BOMB DIGGITY! I am all excited FOR you! Wow, so very cool.

I told Hubby about your story and that he had to read it. He must have been amused by it, he's used "Booty Flies" in a sentence in two different conversations now. :)

Oh, and Dang -- I thought Susie was MY best friend. Bummer.

Hey... do you think RO will come by again and read the comments (preening) Um, if she does, if you do read this RO, and if you have time and all, maybe you could go read my site....??

 
Blogger Weetzie said...

Congrats on your Rosie visitor Susie, we all bow to you....
I just started reading your blog and to think I was going to ask you a how-to question about blogging since I am waaaaay techie-challenged and have just gotten into this whole thing. Have been following along with the "groupies" for awhile and have to admit to being sucked in to the VORTEX that is the blogosphere! =)
I LOVE the story about booty flies!!

 
Blogger Greenthumb said...

weetzie: That's the pure beauty of this whole thing. Susie is so new to this that she doesn't realize, well at least until now, that she's blog-a-rific. No tech skillz,(this is self noted by her), she has a simple template for her blog, nothing fancy and flashy and then Wa-La...she shines on her talent and her charms alone. Proof that you don't have to be a dooce (not that there is anything wrong with that) to be a great blogger (should that be your aspiration) or to be a wonderful friend in the blog-o-sphere.

 
Blogger Weetzie said...

oh greenthumb I just read YOUR blog yesterday and it was quite inspired....isn't it great/cool/wonderful...and of course, don't we all aspire to be noticed out here?

 
Blogger Torrie said...

Wow. 86 comments AND Rosie?
Maybe it's time you took Dooce's place in the comment world.

 
Blogger Susie said...

strizz stopped by the house! Holy cow, now I FEEL like shit. I mean like THE shit. (That little word makes a big difference, doesn't it?) Welcome, and thank you.

CK, dooce probably didn't have the hook-up that I had; Nilbo left my link in Rosie's comments. Still pretty amazing that she came and that she commented.

You know there's enough love here for both you and dang. and greenie and bucky and squirl and mrtl and summer and mb and laurenbove and lawbrat and... don't get me started on that, I got work to do today.

Yea, I'm pretty sure ol' ro's gonna be up in here all the time now, just won't be able to get rid of her, so she'll be stopping over to see you...

weetzie, like greenie said, if I can do this, anyone can. Email me if you'd like; I don't know much, but I'll help if I can. Thanks for letting me know you were here:)

greenie, quit jerking me around. First you made me laugh like a crazy person this morning, and now you bring tears to my eyes. "to be a great blogger (should that be your aspiration) or to be a wonderful friend in the blog-o-sphere." Guess which is more important to me?

 
Blogger Susie said...

oops, missed you there, torrie, the comments are largely BECAUSE of Rosie. Don't want anyone's place but mine. There's room for everyone. I must compulsively talk back to people. Dooce can't possibly do that, and I think that's kind of sad. I'll stick with my small-scale compulsion.

 
Blogger Greenthumb said...

weetzie: I was leary of being noticed in the beginning, but the affirmation, the encouragement, the mutual understanding certainly fueled my desire to continue on. Blogging has it's rewards and it's trolls. Thank you weetzie, you're too kind.

 
Blogger Nilbo said...

While I did leave a link on Rosie's comments (and Dooce's - see the first comment in this string), I'd guess that the increased traffic here (almost a hundred comments? Surely we'll break the century mark, kids, won't we?) is due to what they call the "viral effect" on the internet ... "she tells two friends, and she tells two friends ... and so on ... and so on .." (stop me, I've become a hair product commercial!). And it can all be traced back to a brilliant post.

 
Anonymous mrtl said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
Blogger Andrea said...

93, now 94, comments!!! Sometimes *Rosie* doesn't get that many. Sheesh. Surely you'll break the 100 mark today.

 
Blogger August95 said...

The J-spot, Booty Flies, thanks for the laugh. And thank God for that kind nurse. Woohoo #95. Go Me.

 
Blogger Susie said...

nilbo and andrea, looks like you're right about that. I haven't ever been one to count comments so much as try to guage how much the people who did stop in, enjoyed their visit. Quality, not quantity, of these little intersections of human lives. In real life, I save the notes from people who tell me they enjoyed the "spirit" of my house. This influx (now there's a word I don't use every day) has me looking at bloglife rather thoughtfully, today. Pardon my lack of goofiness. I'm sure the goofy will return momentarily.

august95, you are indeed 95, and I am a WIZARD. And didn't you read my freakin' comment above, about how I want people to feel happy here? Not dorky or bad or awkward. We're all about the happy. (Just between you and me;)

 
Blogger August95 said...

Thanks!

 
Anonymous Sharkey said...

Just doing my part to help you toward the 100 mark. This post was hilarious. I forwarded it to a friend who has spent her fair share of time in the stirrups, and she busted a gut laughing.

Thanks for the good humor.

 
Blogger kimmyk said...

I wanted to be commenter number 100, but I'll settle for 99...ooooohhh wait...

 
Blogger kimmyk said...

HAHA,
100!!!
Yeah baby!!
*confetti flying, bells ringing*

Thank you Susie for the great laugh. My entire family thought I was completely insane. I worked for an OB/GYN for 5 years and I've never had a story this funny happen..kinna glad too cause gosh I'd hate to laugh in someone's face in such a delicate situation.
Good to see your booty-flies go along with your booty-licious behind. (as you mentioned in one of your earlier posts...lol) Thanks again!

 
Blogger Nilbo said...

ONE HUNDR - aww, crap, too late.

So, Ms. Three Digits ... what have you done for us lately ...?

 
Blogger Susie said...

thank you, sharkey and kimmyk (you get the balloons!), you're very kind... sharkey, you make me want ice cream...

nilbo, HERE'S a digit for ya... just the one...

 
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

dooce probably didn't have the hook-up that I had; Nilbo left my link in Rosie's comments.

Really?! Hmm. Hey there, nilbo, how *you* doin...

 
Blogger spoonleg said...

Can we see a picture of your booty flies, susie?


They don't call me The Lone Pervert for nothin'.

 
Anonymous Julie said...

SUSIETOO! 104 comments?! (Oops, now 105.) You rock ... you totally and completely rock!

 
Blogger Susie said...

CK, be careful what you wish for...

spoonie, the booty, the flies or the eyes? They're all in separate albums...

julie, you do realize that a lot of the traffic is papparazzi, on account of the famous chick, right? But thank you, anyway:) And I do realize that papparazzi is probably misspelled.

 
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

No problemo... I just went ahead and signed up to Rosie's site myself... you know, eliminating the middle 'person' and all that.

Next, I wish for WORLD PEACE -- beginning in our home amongst the little clowns. :)

 
Blogger Dang Cold.. said...

I'm 108. The 108 the last cookie.

BAHAHAHAHAH!!! sorry long day.

dominus cigarahavanus

 
Blogger Greenthumb said...

http://www.urbanhonking.com/ultimateblogger/

Susie, I think you should throw your hat or bra; whatever it is you do when you join a challenge.

 
Blogger Squirl said...

Susie, I know you got a lot of comments because Rosie commented, which is really cool. But this is such a funny, well-told story. You'd still have gotten plenty of comments anyway. :-)

 
Blogger Susie said...

ck, I like a woman who goes after what she wants. I HEAR YOU ROAR. I think greenie and dc are in charge of world peace...

It's my party, I shoulda been the 108 the last delicious cookie;)

greenie, you and your urban honker...I appreciate the vote of confidence, but that looks like "blog survivor," don't think it's for me...

squirl, thank you, you bushy-tailed varmint; there's "plenty" which is what I think I normally get, and then there's over 100...(giggle)

 
Blogger Nilbo said...

I'mnot a middle-man, thank you very much. I much prefer the ends ...

And I agree with Squirlgrl ...

Oh! AND ... don't be warnin' women away from flirting with me, dammit. It's rare enough ...

 
Blogger Candace said...

First???!!! Am I first?

 
Blogger Susie said...

sheesh, I can't please all of you people! somebody, flirt with nilbo...

misfit. Made. Me. Laugh. Thank you for that. You are totally first. I said so. And it's my house.

 
Blogger Nilbo said...

(sigh) I've sunk so low Susie actually has to pimp my flirts ...

 
Blogger Susie said...

OK, nilbo, you get extra credit on your permanent record for the phrase "pimp my flirts." I think that's a show on MTV.

 
Blogger Greenthumb said...

So does that mean D.C. and I are clowns???

D.C. you readin what i'm readin? sheeeit....LOL!!!

 
Blogger Susie said...

no, no, no, greenie! Unless you want to be. CK's children are clowns, but they are a warring faction of clowns. She seeks peace. I'm pimping you and dc out as peacekeepers! Cheez whiz, it's hard to be me this week!

 
Blogger Nilbo said...

It totally could be an MTV show. Dibs on Ryan Seacrest to host ...

 
Blogger Dang Cold.. said...

Though the make up in my pic may fool you, I'm no clown. I'm the Phantom of the Blogoshere. Muhahahahahahahahaha.

dc (drinkin' cognac)

(dang cold trips on his cape as he exits - ooof!!)

 
Blogger lawbrat said...

Susie! 117? There may be more by the time I read them, and now posting. Holy Cow! I agree with the person that said this post is hysterical as it is, and even if Ro didnt come by you STILL would have got many, many, many comments. I think it was Squirl. You DO have a talent. In more ways than one. You Go Girl!!

 
Anonymous DonnaJo said...

That had to be the best story I have read so far, I can't stop laughing every time I think of it. You have talent young lady! Thanks so much!

 
Blogger Susie said...

lawbrat, you knew me when. And you and the 4 or 6 others who always hang out with me, will know me again, next week (or tomorrow), when the circus leaves town. (But not Circus Kelli. She stays.)

donnajo, that's very kind of you. thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed, and I like your name. You might be a Southern girl, too...

 
Blogger Susie said...

oh, dang, let me help you up, honey, and dust off your cape...

debt collector

 
Blogger Andrea said...

This is the place to be today.

And I was totally rollin' when Nilbo said "pimp my flirts".

 
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Dang! *snicker* Jeez... *giggle* you ok, man? *snork* What? Me? *smirk* No! I would never laugh at you!

BWAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!

 
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

New Blog Title: Flirt Pimping

 
Blogger Annejelynn said...

omg SUSIE! NNNNNNNYYYYYCE! Got the Rosie to post!?!? tre cool - and man, milk it all the way to Jersey, girl!

 
Blogger echrai said...

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. That was the most hysterical story I've ever heard! I loved it! I had to read it out loud to my boyfriend when he wondered why I was laughing so hysterically - then HE was laughing hysterically. Thank you! :)

 
Blogger butterstar said...

you crackin' me up, girl. but then, you always do. :D

 
Blogger Nicolette said...

Crap, no wonder Rosie commented -- that was funny! Stop being funny because if I link to you three times in 3 weeks it will seem, er, odd.

 
Blogger Dee said...

This is funny. I trhink you are funnier than rosie. More like Ellen. I like Ellen so I will say you are more like her. *s*

 
Blogger The Lioness said...

I don't know why I am adding my comment to what appears to be a growing small African nation but I am bcs I cannot NOT tell you - and what a shocker this will be to you - how brilliant this post was.

Now I'll read on and hope for more.

 
Blogger The Lioness said...

(Forgot to add, found you via Lala)

 
Blogger The Lioness said...

(Bloody hell, will I now have to go see who Hilarious Rosie is? Yes.

I know I'm hogging. Blame Lala. She's Canadian.)

 
Blogger The Lioness said...

(Oh. OH. That Rosie. Another blog to read. Because I don't have enough of those. Damn The Rosie! Suzie, I blame you.)

 
Blogger Kristin said...

Too funny...luckily me kids are out laughing at the tv so they didn't come to see what I was laughing at. "Booty flies"...thats going to become a part of my vocabulary.

 
Anonymous Hula Doula said...

You should have put a warning for mothers. May cause you to lose your bladder!

 
Blogger seeingdouble said...

Cori sent me over to read this, and I'm so glad she did. What a great story!! I can only imagine the terror of those few moments!

 
Blogger An Adventurer said...

I was sent here by Tinkamarink and I'm so glad - I needed a laugh this morning. This is absolutely hilarious - thanks so much for sharing. You had so many comments I almost didn't comment but I couldn't resist. Thanks again!

 
Blogger this.is.damon said...

Ok, so I'm really late in reading this one and responding ... I know you read about "the deadline" over on my blog, so you know I've been swamped lately!

Anyway, HILARIOUS! Good Lord ... the booty flies ... I think I'm going to use that line on "the ladies". It can't fail. I can pretend I'm mediterranean with a thick accent ... and just lay the "you have booty flies" line right on'em. Oh, I can't wait!

 
Blogger Sque said...

OMG I CAN'T BREATH!! THat is the funniest story I've ever read!

 
Blogger Raehan said...

That you for that ten-minute laugh. I need that. I think I just sprained my ankle.

 
Blogger No_Newz said...

Sque sent me here. I loved your story! Soooo funny!
Lois Lane

 
Blogger Sleeping Mommy said...

Oh My God. I've been sent here by two different people now and boy am I glad I came.

I thought I had a great OBGYN...

 
Blogger Cara said...

That is the funniest story I have heard in the longest time. I'm crying because I'm laughing so hard.
I have never been to your blogsite before but a blog friend of mine happened upon your blog and she sent me here. I'm so glad that she did!

Be sure to take care of those Booty Flies! :o)

 
Blogger Haley-O said...

I was sent here--and I am happy I came...no pun intended!!!!! seriously, no pun intendeded!!!!

Very very funny story. :)

 
Blogger Fraulein N said...

Heee! That's the funniest thing I've read in a long time. Maybe ever. Found you through a link in the comments at So The Fish Said.

 


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