Recipe for a lazy post (also known as "letting your commenters entertain one another"):

Take one woman whose judgment is so clouded by blogging that she writes a post about her ass...
Add a bunch of clever ass-cracks written by equally addled commenters...
Plus a good suggestion by the lovely and talented Annejelynn...and...
VOILA!

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Susie said...
Before you even ask...AW, HELL NO, there will be no pictures to accompany this post.
1:21 AM

Krankipantzen said...
That is very funny but the question remains; If I can't rely on your ass, Susie, whose ass can I rely on?
1:31 AM

Greenthumb said...
Oh Susie! Oh Susie! You made me laugh...that's right...You made me laugh my ass off. Clever little wench.
1:42 AM

Rina Bee said...
That was hilarious! I've never seen this SNL skit, and for some strange reason I imagine Dana Carvey's voice as Hanz or Franz (Pump you up!)
5:33 AM

Anonymous said...
I was so going to ask for pictures. That was so funny. I started reading it half asleep, Im wide awake now from laughing!
lawbrat
7:06 AM

Susie said...
crankypants, you do have a point there. OK, YOU can rely on my ass, but NO ONE else. It is powerful, but it can't save the world!

greenie, THAT really would be my exercise regimen of choice; if I could only get it to work, I'd make videos and be rich: "Laugh Your Ass Off With Susie!" Move over, Richard Simmons!

Rina Bee, you gotta see it. I've heard it's on the "Dana Carvey: Best of SNL" video/DVD. Go rent it; don't be a girlie man!

lawbrat, see, I know you. I was thinking, lawbrat comes by early sometimes, and she'll be all, "Pictures!" So happy to wake you up laughing!
7:38 AM

Circus Kelli said...
Wow, Susie. I don't know quite what to say. Your ass could DESTROY THE WORLD?! You have one powerful ass, girl. I don't care what Jif says. I feel so... in-ass-equate now. The only thing my ass can do is make a better door than a window. Oh wait... and it can do a pretty good imitation of jello. The hard part, though is getting it to stop jiggling once you get it goin. ;)
8:33 AM

Mamaramma said...
I don't know whether to feel happy or sad for you that your ass doesn't have the power to block the sun. I mean, I know it might be kind of depressing if it could, but, COME ON! Just think of the power you could wield if it could! Power beyond your wildest dreams!
9:23 AM

laurenbove said...
Awww....no pictures? This is truly the funniest post. Excellent, Susie! (Ass blocks the sun...still laughing at that one.)
9:32 AM

LadyBug said...
Making mental note...do not rely on Susie's ass to protect family from ultraviolet rays...Well, I'd leave a longer comment, but it looks like I need to run to Wal-Mart and stock up on sunscreen now.Sigh.
10:16 AM

Ern said...
Holy cow, that is sooo funny! But remember that an ass IS in fact a powerful tool, and its powers should not be taken lightly. While it may not be able to block out the sun, or calibrate british scientific instruments, it can be a powerful magnetic force. It can draw people irresistably into its proximity (as I imagine yours does for Jif) or it can repel with the strongest of force as well (Closet Metro's story of the deepest crevasse in MN is one example, plummer's crack is another). So before you go poo-poohing the power of the ass, remember George Michael, and also your own magnetism!
10:56 AM

Ern said...
By the way, I was reading the comments on your post from a couple of days ago, and "Jesus Doesn't Give a Rat's Ass if I Say, 'Fuck'" is my new favorite quote! I may use it myself if you don't mine, with full credit given, of course, to you.
11:01 AM

marybishop said...
Oh my, I've thought my mouth could block the sun but never my ass. Hilarious!
11:17 AM

mrtl said...
Thank you for not posting a picture of your ass, Susie. Didn't Dana as George also say: "You have to look at it. You can't take your eyes off of it. It's mesmerizing!"? Talk about not getting anything done!You just too bootylicious, girlfriend!
11:30 AM

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11:30 AM

Robyn said...
Susie, I'm starting to burn. Could you shift the eclipse a little to the left? Loved it. I needed a good laugh.
11:39 AM

Squirl said...
That was great. Why is it that women always worry about their bodies. A guy could stand up in the sun and never get any tan on his front thighs from his giant beer gut hanging over. And he would still consider himself one of the most studly guys on the beach.
12:14 PM

Annejelynn said...
this post has saved me, as recently I've become a lil' more obsessed than I already am on any regular day.... to realize I'm not the only woman, neurotically concerned with her ass and its size and its ability to BLOCK THE SUN and mess up proper sun exposure (as if sun exposure is what we want) - oh no, trust me! I'm well versed in the proper and most thorough application of SPF - I slather it on baby! yer post made me laugh my ass off (I wish!)
12:36 PM

Torrie said...
My ass has an SPF of 435.
1:06 PM

Sierrabella said...
I'm so glad you were not em-bare-assed to share this story!
1:49 PM

Spurious Plum said...
I was going to make a 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' joke that involved your ass, but I'll just laugh instead. Susie, you're a crackup.
1:51 PM

Susie said...
Oh, dear, I went out to make a living and got a little behind (a BIG behind?) in my replies; let me go from the BOTTOM up, this time (I'm killin' myself, here...)

Plum, I know that song! "Once upon a time there was light in my life...NOW SUSIE'S ASS HAS BLOCKED THE SUN!!!!

SierraBella, ba dum BUM! You know what they say, "If you've got it, right a story about it on the internet." What? They don't? Oh...my bad.

Torrie, THAT, my friend, is a powerful sunblocking ASS. Do you rent it out? You could put the beach umbrella guy out of business;)

Annejelynn, I'm so happy to see you here, darlin'. Of course you're not the only one! I think everyone should write a big ol' post about their ass! (Or a little one.)

Squirl, that is SO true. Sometimes you just look at 'em and think, "Wonder if he knows he looks like that." And the answer is, he doesn't care. Wish I could be more like that. Although, as you can see, I'm headed in that direction. (Ohgoodlord, what kind of woman writes an internet essay about how huge her ass is? I need serious help.)

Robyn, OK, just this once. But you know, you could eat a lot of cookies and sit and blog a lot, and develop your OWN...

Mrtl, yes, I'd forgotten the mesmerizing part. Hey...I use hypnosis in my work. I wonder if...

MB, maybe we could take turns? I know you're about serving your fellow man, as am I...

Ern, as always, you bring keen insight to the discussion. I am most thankful that while signifant repulsion may be at work, Jif still remains attracted, as you so accurately hypothesized. Yes, let us celebrate magnetism! (Hey, you're a scientist, don't larger objects generate greater magnetism?) And as for using that quote, I would be honored. Use it freely. Even before I began blogging, an essay of that title has been rolling around in my head. I'll write it someday. On the other hand, I think the title kind of expresses my opinion pretty well on its own;)

LadyBug, save your receipt...if I spend much more time sitting on it, blogging, I just might be able to protect you and your family. I've never SAT so much in my adult life!

laurenbove, both Jif and I had trouble sleeping last night, so we had some tea, I finished this piece and posted it, and I visited a few blogfriends, including you. And I said to Jif, "Oh no, what have I become? I used to think I was fairly intellectual...look at this...laurenbove has a very thoughtful, intelligent post with patriotism, and the Ottoman Empire...and I just posted an essay on MY ASS! Waaaaa!"

Mamaramma, the challenge, as always, is to look on the bright side (ASSuming my ass hasn't obscured it entirely)...the truth of my ass is, it's somewhere between me lying on the beach bottom-up without giving it a thought, and being powerful enough to destroy the world. I wish it would just go all the way, in one direction or the other...

CK, you are so assequate! Don't hate it, celebrate it! Nominate it! Decorate it! Sounds like your ass is a real mover and shaker!

WOOHOO, I made it through this round! You all are so much FUN:)
2:38 PM

Greenthumb said...
Thank you for finally sitting down, it was getting a bit cold up here in Seattle, but the sun is out again and things are looking up.
3:10 PM

Susie said...
greenie, spoken like a true little brother.
3:22 PM

Summer said...
Hmm..."Susie and her magnificent ass. Look at it before it destroys you!"A great tagline for when you join the circus sideshow. ;) Great post. Enjoyed it tremend-ass-ly. :D
5:01 PM

kimmyk said...
That's nice you and your husband can talk about yer booty. I'm sure your booty is absolutely bootilicious!
5:44 PM

Susie said...
oh, SierraBella, I just read the comments and the copyeditor in me must make a correction: that shoulda been "write a story," NOT "right a story," of course. It's write. It definitely ain't right.

Ah, Summer, you are such an inspiration. Psychotherapy is my second career. Now I know what my third will be. Only tricky part will be breaking the news to my clients, "It has truly been my pleasure and privilege, accompanying you on your journey...but now I must take my MAGNIFICENT ASS on the road..."

kimmyk, your comment tickles me. We've been talking for over 27 years. Yea, I'm not even gonna make a joke. It is really nice. Now he has read the comments and is very proud that my ass is famous; he came home from work and patted the famous ass, and said to it, "Finally, you're using your powers for good."
6:07 PM

little sister said...
LMFAO! (if only that were physically possible) Susie, that is the funniest ass story I've ever heard! But then, it might be the only ass story I've heard...
6:15 PM

Torrie said...
Susie, JLo has nothing on me.
11:25 PM

Nilbo said...
I used to have an ass that had its own gravitational field. But I lost a whack of weight in the past year, so now I have white guy flat-ass syndrome (WGFAS)... I miss my ass.Damn I love reading your blog ...
11:26 PM

Nicolette said...
I am compelled to link to you for the second time in a week, I hope you're pleased with yourself!
1:04 AM

Circus Kelli said...
Nilbo! If you'd like, I can send you some of my ass... trust me. I have enough to go around! (and around and around)Oh, and that "using your powers for good"... THAT cracks me up! (heh, ass - cracks me up! HA!)
9:07 AM

Susie said...
little sister, I don't think there are nearly enough ass stories on blogs! I say there should be an ass-post day!

torrie, you sound pretty self-ASSured, there, girl. Jlo is fame-ASS for this sort of thing...

nilbo, my condolences on the loss of your ass. Sounds like it was most impressive, with the gravitational field and all. Probably easier to find pants now, though, you know, looking on the bright side.

nicolette, I am actually a bit more pleased with my ass today than I was yesterday. I knew of its obvious 2 or 3 functions, but was not so aware of its ability to bring people together, as has happened here. Yes, I am most pleased. And thank you for the linkage;)

CK, I hope you know what you're getting into, offering Nilbo your ass (or part thereof). Very funny, comin' over here makin' ASS-CRACKS. This is a RESPECTABLE blog, you ass-clown!(You know I love you:)
Actually, it WAS a respectable blog. I think the last of my evangelical contingent just packed up and headed for cleaner pastures:(

10:03 AM

Circus Kelli said...
Oh no... I hadn't thought of that, Thanks, Susie! You just saved my ass!Sorry, Nilbo. I'll have to take back the offer. You understand, don't you?What?! This is a RESPECTABLE blog?! Why didn't anyone tell me? I'm SO sorry...
11:18 AM

Citrus said...
Just discovered you through another blog. HILARIOUS. SNL was great back in those days. So was George Michael. How things change. Thanks for this post. I laughed until I stopped.
3:12 PM

Annejelynn said...
susie, I think you should post your responses to our comments as a post (did that make sense?)they are just as amusing and hilarious as your original posts for which we make our comments...maybe my interest in this proposal is selfish - but I don't wanna miss your responses to my comments, specifically BUT in generally, I love your responses to all our comments...the one to Torrie about JLo's famASS? again, I'm laughing my ass off (and it just comes right back!?!)
3:53 PM

Annejelynn said...
Greenie's typical lil' brother comment is the best! ...thanks for sitting down... (evil snicker)
3:54 PM

Susie said...
citrus, thanks for stopping in. I still like SNL and George Michael. Laughed until you stopped...then I started. You seem like a smartASS, and I like that.

Ah, Annejelynn, THAT is what's known as "boomerang ass." You know, the commenters here have entertained me quite a lot. If I can figure out how, maybe I'll just copy it and post it as a post. You know what I mean.
4:04 PM

Bob Smallwood, Blogger-at-Large said...
That was really funny!
4:22 PM

Torrie said...
Aaaa huh, huh huh... ASS.
5:53 PM

Nilbo said...
When Circus Kelli offered me her ass, my first thought was to come back with the new York City cabbie response: "Lady, aintcha got nuttin' smaller?" But I decided to be all nice, and now look what it's got me ... no ass. Mine or hers. (sigh)Anyway ... it was the best offer of a piece of ass I've gotten all week ... so that's nice.
6:53 PM

Dang Cold.. said...
man did I miss out on this string of comments.Susie baby I have no problem living in a world that can be destroyed by your ass. In some texts, the hindu god Shiva destroys the world by doing a dance. He will then dance again and thus create the world. One could say He shakes his ass and creates or destroys life. Your ass is divine;
Shakin' that ass
Shakin' that ass
As for Nilbo and CK's ass. That item, sir, is the sole property of Dang Cold. All solicitations are prohibited and subject to prosecution unless state otherwise by said owner. Any offers by CK of said ass, as a result, are null and void automatically. Love ya Susie!! :D
dc (denny crane)
11:02 PM

Susie said...
Dang! You came back to my ass! We've all missed you so much! Denny Crane. You're killin' me here! Look everyone, Dang's back!
11:07 PM

Closet Metro said...
I'm curious as to how Torrie measured the SPF of her ass.
1:00 AM

Nicolette said...
"nicolette, I am actually a bit more pleased with my ass today than I was yesterday. I knew of its obvious 2 or 3 functions, but was not so aware of its ability to bring people together, as has happened here. Yes, I am most pleased. And thank you for the linkage;) "

I believe that it could make the UN obsolete. All we have to do is beam an image of your ass across the world - and out into space - and all wars will cease.
1:55 AM

Susie said...
Torrie, please explain to Closet Metro and the rest of the class...

Aw, Nicolette, for THAT, I would have to publish a photograph....well, OK, I'd do it for that. I think on THAT note, I'm going to take Annejelynn's suggestion and try to publish this puppy, because where could it possibly go from here? The post started out with my ass as a DESTROYER, and now, through the wisdom(?) of blog commenters, it has evolved to the point of being a PEACEKEEPER.
My ass is a uniter, not a divider...
7:40 AM

OH! One more...

Circus Kelli said...
Nilbo - Your comment made me laugh. So sorry to disappoint. As to the "ain't you got nuthin smaller?" Hee, well, yes, I do, but I'm afraid that would take this conversation a little North of the current topic.

Dang Cold, DC, Denny Crane, whoever you are - I was not aware that ownership of my ass had been transferred to you. When did that happen? Why am I just finding out about this now? I believe that possession is 9/10 of the law. Since I am in sole posession of my ass, I think I may have to take this up in court. My lawyer says I have a pretty good case. His exact words were, "I think the case involving your ass has two legs to stand on."
8:57 AM