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Tuesday, September 05, 2006

My Sin

The American Heritage Dictionary (4th edition, 2000) tells us that to covet means "to feel blameworthy desire for that which is another’s; to wish for longingly." It also means "to feel immoderate desire for that which is another’s."

Being Christian, the Ten Commandments are part of my faith tradition, but I get a big break, because Jesus' sacrifice saves me from being judged by how perfectly I avoid the big ten "Thou shalt nots." Still, I've tried. And failed. I'd say I have committed a good 90% of them, either in body or spirit. But the one, the ONE that I would have said I'd avoided all these years, was #10: Thou shalt not covet . . .

I don't know quite how I avoided it; it seems to me to be one of the tougher ones for most people. But I observed some years ago that if I were likely to covet anything, it would be babies. I've had nine miscarriages. I have heard, from other people with infertility problems, how much they coveted babies. How much they resented going to baby showers, Christenings, and the like, how bad they felt at such gatherings. I sympathized, but somehow (only by God's grace, I'm sure), I never felt that way. I looked at it differently. Every new birth, every new announcement of a pregnancy, just reassured me that God was still in the business of giving out babies. And that could only be good news for me. As I told someone years ago, someone who was almost embarrassed to tell me about her pregnancy, "If your getting a baby meant that I didn't get one, I'd fight you for it. But that's not how it works! Your pregnancy doesn't diminish me or my hope in any way. I am nothing but happy for your happiness!" All true. So I thought since I'd been able to resist covetousness in that arena, I was home free.

But now, dear readers, it has happened. I have fallen into the sin of covetousness. It started earlier this summer, as WTF Disease closed its grip on me, and parked my ass on the couch in front of the TV more than any middle-aged woman's ass should ever be parked. It went a little something like this:

Would you look at that? Jessica Simpson, laughing on the red carpet. Wish I felt like laughing on the red carpet. Or any color carpet. Bet her throat doesn't hurt; bet she can swallow without thinking twice about it . . .

FLIP

COPS? Wow, wish I felt like that guy . . . I'd like to run around the trailer park shirtless, drunk, raising hell . . . you gotta feel pretty good to cause that much trouble . . .

FLIP

President of Iran? He looks like he doesn't have diarrhea . . .

FLIP

Testosterone? Wish I felt like injecting testosterone and riding a bike . . . or even one or the other . . .

You get the gist. But lately, it's gotten even more heinous. Not only do I wish I were these other people . . . I wish I had other people's illnesses . . .

You pee so much you need a map to tell you where the bathrooms are? At least you can still travel . . . trade ya . . .

FLIP

I'd take those pushpins or ants inside my legs when I'm trying to sleep . . . bet you can walk on those legs just fine . . .

FLIP

Erectile dysfunction? I'd take that. Take a pill and end up watching the sunset from a meadow in a clawfoot tub. I could live with that . . .

FLIP

Dang, those Valtrex-poppin' herpes sufferers have more fun than anybody! Look at the energy level of those suckers!

*Sigh*. I'm trying to do better. Thanks for hearing my confession. Anything you wanna confess?

36 heads are better than one . . .

Anonymous peaches said...

Oh Susie, i've been doing the SAME THING! I know what I have is not nearly what you're going through, but its been tough.

I, too, have spent days in front of the T.V., and just getting up to pee is difficult. This summer i've had a period of 2 weeks (one week at a time, about 3 weeks apart) where I was in bed, without the t.v. - because it took too much energy to watch t.v.!!

I've coveted that others have graduated and I havent. Others can do fun things with their kids and I can't. Others can go to the grocery store without causing pain that is unbearable.

On the flip side, I *seem* to be on an upswing the past 2 weeks. My doctor was treating my symptoms for the past almost year -October- and my symptoms were not what the problem I have causes. Now that he's treating what the problem causes, my symptoms are much less.

There have been so many times where I thought I couldnt live with this pain a minute longer. What type of quality of life is this? A day that I actually make dinner is a *good* day.

It also bothers me that I know WAY TOO MUCH about E TV and celebrities ;-)

I'm still praying for you, and wont stop.

 
Blogger Kat said...

Miss Susie, you really must stop coveting your neighbors genital warts. It's just not right. Plus, do you really want to call up one of the rologists with that symptom?

Praying for you.

 
Blogger LadyBug said...

I confess I laughed my sizeable ass off at your post.

I love you, Miss Susie.

P.S. OMG, I kid you not, my word ver is crynpu.

cry n pu
cry n pu
that's all I do, is
cry n pu

*snork!*

 
Blogger ieatcrayonz said...

Blogger, why do you hate me so much?

Why hello, Susie! I was just thinking of you today while I sat in my doctor's office waiting for the allergist to come see me. Mundane, I know. But while the time (1 hour) wasted away, I prayed and prayed and prayed for you.

I have a hereditary form of CRS that I know I got from my mother. She Can't Remember Shit either.

Love you dear.

 
Blogger Effie said...

I confess that when I was a little girl, my Mom bought 2 special jars of peanut butter--the jars became cups when you were finished the peanut butter. She told my brother and I that we would each get one of the cups when the peanut butter was done. Well, somehow I found out that the lids weren't too tightly sealed and if you held them just right, you could open them, just enough to get your fingers in. I must confess that I ate most of the peanut butter, a little bit at a time, and by the time Mom went to get the peanut butter out of the cupboard, there was a SIGNIFICANT amount of peanut butter missing. What's worse is I didn't take all the blame for it. I let my brother take some of the flak, even though I'm pretty sure I was one of the only culprits.

Bad, bad Effie.

And yet, I still enjoy sneaking a spoonful (or fingerful) of peanut butter every once in a while. Mmmm.

I'm sorry. Am I forgiven?

 
Blogger Lynn said...

This might be more confession than you're after, Susie. If it is, just trash-can it. I won't be offended.

I confess that even though I have an IQ of 164, I can barely get it together enough to pay my bills.

I confess that even though I'm only 39 and have a really hot husband, the thought of sex sometimes makes me sick.

I confess that I want some certain testicles in a jar of formaldehyde. I think a jar like this would make a great paperweight to hold down the unpaid bills and unfiled papers. I further confess that I would personally enjoy the collection of said testicles.

Disclaimer: The above is not an anti-man thing. Visiting men - I love you. It's rapists I hate.

 
Blogger The other me said...

I confess to coming here often on order to get a guaranteed laugh! You are SO cool. I am so sorry that you feel covetous about herpes, I remember saying once that I knew there was someone worse off than me but I was depressed I had to look at Ethiopia to find them.
don't envy those people on cops though, they always have such terrible dress sense. Try to hang on to some dignity!!

 
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

lol

"President of Iran? He looks like he doesn't have diarrhea . . . "


Oh, sorry.

 
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

I have to confess. I was staring at male lifeguards this passed weekend.

I confess because I was totally busted on it. :)

Love you, Susie.

 
Blogger Vajana said...

Well I won't even guess which other commandments you have broken but that's okay I've been coveting along with you...to be able to sneeze without peeing in ones pants is something I covet often nowdays being 7.5 months preggers!

Lots of smiles to you Susie.

 
Blogger It's Me, Maven... said...

Hope you're feeling a bit better each day, Susie!

You truly wrapped up the infertility feeling... glad you gave me a reality check about how someone else's pregnancy doesn't diminish my hope for one myself... I should keep that in mind.

Thanks for continuing to share YOU, YOURSELF, with us via your blog.

 
Blogger Squirl said...

Okay, I have had a problem with the fertility thing. Every time I hear a woman say she's pregnant I wonder how she can be so sure she'll carry to term. And baby showers have been like a reminder that somebody got this chance and I never did.

I never coveted any specific babies, just the ability to carry to term and have a baby to cuddle, love, and raise.

I'm sure I have plenty of other sins, but that's all I'm confessin' here. :)

My word ver is bmzyrip. Is this something to do with farts???

 
Anonymous Katy said...

Update: Jessica Simpson's throat now hurts! She bruised her vocal cords and is struggling with all personal appearances to promote her new album. Bob Dylan also has a new album, but nobody knows for sure if he is having a good day or not with the vocal cords.

Okay, I covet Katie Couric. If she marries George Clooney I'm really gonna be mad.

Feel better.

 
Blogger Susie said...

peaches, honey, do write and tell me what the docs have figured out for you and what's going on, wouldja? I hope your upswing continues, and thank you for your prayers.

kat, it's a little early in the commenting to say this, but I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that YOU WIN the phrase of the day, never before uttered on this blog, with, "stop coveting your neighbors genital warts." heeheeee Thanks for the prayers :)

ladybug, *snork* I love you, too :)

youeatzcrayonz, see, I covet a mundane doctor's appointment, too. Sorry 'bout the CRS.

effie, as I suspected, you are nothing but trouble! But you are forgiven :)

lynn, I would not trash-can your thoughts. Confess here anytime you want. Gosh, you're smart, but I'm not surprised. You'll get past this part; you really will. Many, MANY years of happy sex, and much more beautiful paperweights are ahead for you. Promise.

t.o.m., what is this Dig Nitty of which you speak? COPS is clothing-optional, it seems. You and your Ethiopia. You crack me up.

mrB, well, he did. Look that way.

ck, totally busted, you say? hmmm . . .

jana, that would be something to covet. Hey, I can do that! Thanks for the perspective. ACHOO! All dry :)

maven, I hope what I said here doesn't sound insensitive to you, to anyone with infertility. I know that seeing it the way I chose to see it made life better for me. On a broader scale, I've learned that developing the discipline of being happy for others' happiness means that we are never without some reason to be happy, no matter what is going on in our lives. I wish you every blessing, especially the one you want most.

squirl, longing for a baby isn't the same as resenting others for having them. People who have no expectation or worries about miscarriage are people who've never had one. By the time we had LG, we didn't even have her nursery ready when she came, because we couldn't quite believe it was real.

And most everything has something to do with farts.

katy, I promise I did not voodoo Jessica! Bob Dylan may well have the same affliction I do; had it for years, poor guy ;)
George Clooney, eh? He sleeps with a pig, you know.

 
Blogger Andrea said...

1) I have been told that coveting means wanting something very specific that someone else has, meaning if you had it they would not. Like, not just wanting A baby, but wanting the baby someone else had (like the crazy lady that killed the pregnant woman so she could have her baby). So you still may be innocent of covetousness!

2) I have been guilty of coveting a house that we bid on 7 years ago. We later got to know the family (we eventually found a cuter but smaller house a block away), she became my La Leche Leage leader, yadda yadda yadda...and I still wished we'd got the house. It may no longer be an issue since we are soon to move into our DREAM HOME, but there it is.

3) I personally would gladly put up with George Clooney's pig (and what does that tell you about my sin of LUST?)

 
Blogger Nina said...

Well if you can we can change the bird in scripture. I am going to add an appurtenance to #10. You shall not covet unless you have WTF Disease then it is okay. Especially if those you covet have genital herpes & ED . . . just for coveting those you are forgiven instantaneously. ;-)

 
Blogger Mainline Mom said...

Oh Susie, I'm prayin' for ya. My confession would fill up a library full of books, so I won't even try it. Thank the Lord for Grace.

 
Blogger hellokittn said...

**entering confessional**

I just ate a pound of spinach.
I just had a prune pill.
Maybe two.
And I can not even begin to recall the amount of broccoli and other greenery I have consumed in the last 24 hours.
No one kayaks in an IBS commercial.

**end confessional**

Take some, lose some.


Love to you Susie :-*

 
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

ymoneTo covet or not to covet, that is the question. TV was created to entice us to covet—at least the commercials were.

Whenever I think of coveting I always remember King David. Hell, he not only coveted his general’s wife, he also took her—and then set her husband up to be killed. Now that real coveting! And, still, David is considered to be his people’s greatest king!

Covet to your heart’s content, Susie. I yearn for/covet a real diagnosis and treatment for your WRF Disease.

 
Blogger Von Krankipantzen said...

I covet nice boots. Really badly. Will I ever be forgiven?

 
Anonymous Sharkey said...

I confess that I felt very covetous when I was first diagnosed. Damn those Baywatch babes and their gigantic bouncy chests!

I also resented other TV characters and even some real-life people because they didn't have to worry about cancer. I guess it was my way of asking the "why me?" question.

But then I realized that those other people might actually be dealing with cancer, or something a whole lot worse that just wasn't visible to the casual observer. That helped--the devil you know, or some such thing.

Now, if they would just figure out what your devil is so you could exorcise it!

 
Blogger Momentarily_Distracted said...

I confess that I want to send Dr. House over to see you and cure your WTF disease in the span of 35 minutes or less.
Right after he comes out of his coma.
Yes, I realise it's just a tv show, but if anyone could do it, he could. ;o) Just sayin.

 
Blogger eclectic said...

Confession? Me?? Hey, just what're you implying by that?! ;)

By gosh, if you're coveting folks with genital herpes, etc, then you have officially reached the lowest level: where you're looking up just to see "DOWN". Which MEANS: things are about to get better -- they have to! Woo-hoo!!! Party!!

 
Blogger Susie said...

andrea, as I understand it, coveting goes beyond envy, which says, "I wish I had one of those . . . " and adds an element of resentment, "How come you get to have that and I don't?" Something like that. Congratulations on your dream house :) And that is some serious lust, allowing the pig at the party. Cats and dogs are one thing (or two), but a pig, that's a whole 'nother Oprah. (No offense to Oprah; not associating her with a pig, at ALL.)

nina, I like your theology. And I don't think anyone, anywhere has ever said "appurtenance" to me. You're the first :)

mainline mom, Amazing, that grace. Thanks for the prayers :) (Sounds like your sins could be made into a movie . . . I'm just sayin')

chchchchia, oh, dear. No kayaking, indeed. Go now, and sin no more, and um, keep some Immodium handy.

ssnick, the story of David is an amazing one. There can be redemption, no matter what we've done. Not just redemption, but a future beyond our imaginings.

kranki, not only will you be forgiven, but you will have nice boots. (Just don't do what David did -- see above -- and kill anyone for their boots. You'd still be forgiven, but it gets complicated...)

shawkey, you remind me of a 12-Step saying, "Don't compare your insides to someone else's outsides." Translation: we know when we feel . . . frightened, sick, lonely, ashamed, whatever . . . and we look around and see people who don't appear to feel that way. But we can't see inside; they may be in much worse shape than we are. My MIL's grandmother used to tell her, "If everyone in the world packaged up their troubles and put them in a pile for trading, when it was time to choose, you'd go back and pick up your own troubles." I think there must be someone who wouldn't, but for the most part, I do believe that. Jif and I just heard of a work acquaintance whose only daughter suicided over the weekend. I can't imagine much more painful. I sure wouldn't trade.

MoDis, I have not seen House yet, BUT, I have had two docs try to refer me to him! (no lie)

eclectic, girl, you so crazy. This reminds me that I recently thought you confessed to something, but you actually didn't, but then I was going to, but then I didn't get around to it yet. :)

 
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Yep. Busted. Totally... the scenery was too nice not to look. ;)

 
Blogger Amy said...

1. When i was five i sucked on some green Christmas ribbon and my mouth turned a horrible dark green. I got scared and ran to my mother and her face looked so shocked I instantly pointed to my brother and said, 'he did it!'. He got in trouble. I got a hug and ivory soap in the mouth.

2. Once I farted real quiet and the smell was ghastly, but luckily, my brother farted soon after very loudly, and everyone blamed the smell on him. He kept saying, "That is NOT the way my FARTS smell! What is wrong with me, Ma?"

3. I covet everything. I covet bladder control. On the weekend I hopped up on a trampoline to jump with my kids and I jumped TWICE and there was instantly pee running down my leg.

4. I love you, Susie.

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

must go anonymous on this one...you know those blogs where the spouse goes on and on about how wonderful her husband is? or the husband gushes over how hot sexy pretty smart special the wife is?

I covet that kind of marriage. no wait - I covet marriage first, THEN that kind of marriage, but apparently its not going to happen, since I'm old enough to start seeing grandkids, and every man I have been with has been non-committed.

sigh...you all are SO lucky to have someone there to love you and support you.

funny. my verification is tekkmee. as in, take me!

 
Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

I look at old pictures of myself from 3 years ago when we first moved into our house, and I was thin and smiling and had no knowledge of panic attacks or anxiety or medication, of medication withdrawal and I covet my old self.


And Kirsta Allens ass, because damn she has a perfect ass. I would really like to have a perfect ass too.

 
Blogger Traci said...

Confession??? I don't think I'll go there today thanks, my confession wouldn't even be funny & serious is not what I'm here for tonight!

I did, however, think of you today as the radiologist was saying "Drink this quickly and stand still too" while taking pictures of my swallower etc. Oy!

 
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

I confess that I think Jess already has a perfect ass and I want to wear it as a hat for all eternity.

I covet the ability to dance. Seriously. I am white bread to the bone.

But I refuse to wish erectile dysfunction on you.

 
Blogger WILLIAM said...

I loved this post. You rock Susie.

 
Blogger Jim said...

:-| I confess that I want you to be back to your pre-WTF disease Susie self more than I want an ABBA reunion.

 
Blogger Susie said...

ck, you remind me of last summer with the underage life guard at the pool. Hopefully you were leering at adults.

amy, you're a horrible sister. I love you, too :)

anon, oh, dear. It ain't over 'til it's over. One of the loveliest marriages I know personally began when the two lovers were in their 70s. That's NOT to say you'll have to wait that long; just to say that you never know when it could happen.

jess, I had to google Kirsta Allen, although I resisted googling her ass. I am 200% sure that there are at least 2 people, probably many more, who would say that Kirsta Allen should envy YOU.

I know about coveting one's old self, too. I've decided not to do that, but to look forward to the new and improved me that emerges after I'm done with WTF Disease. You'll be new and improved after the panic, too, sweetheart. Better than ever. No need to go back.

traci, I gotta come see you. I hope your swallower is working just fine, now. Throat problems are no fun, and the tests are beyond no fun, I know.

bucky, I have chosen not to imagine your fancy headgear. Although I'm sure it's beautiful, a perfect fit, etc.
I'll bet you dance much better than you think you do. Unlike most of us, who dance much worse than we think we do :)

aw, william. If you could see how I walk some days. Rocking is one interpretation, I guess ;)

jim, you are so sweet. Post-WTF will be even better. Keeping the faith.

 
Blogger little sister said...

I gave up coveting some time ago...I used to covet lots of things or people or whatever, but then I wondered what I would have to give up to have that life, so I quit the serious coveting. For a time, I even thought it would be neat to be you, but you now have WTF disease, so no more coveting Susie's life (no offense intended, I hope you know - I didn't wish WTF disease on you or anything and actually quit coveting your life within a couple readings of your posts because, well, I've retained a few brain cells).

I do sort of covet people with jobs, though. Seems I'm not good at remaining employed lately, and my back still hurts. But then, I wouldn't be me, so I'm not even coveting painless people with jobs. Not coveting is a sort of freedom, I guess.

 
Blogger Susie said...

hi, lilsis, see my reply to Shawkey. OK, now read it again ;) No offense taken; I am very blessed in very many ways. I also have had, and do have, and will have, troubles that are never mentioned here. Praying for your back and your job now. I was about to say that right now I covet your ability to sleep, but judging from the time on your comment, looks like we're in the same insomniac boat. Sweet dreams, soon, lilsis :) And yes, I think not coveting is a tremendous freedom. The serious coveters that I know . . . there is a sort of enslavement there. Very well put, lilsis.

 
Blogger dashababy said...

Shame on you for making me laugh so hard!

 


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