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Friday, September 08, 2006

Biscuit Friday ~ It's a Good Thing He's Cute

devil dog

Because he really is very bad.

On the first day of school, I let Biscuit out into our fenced backyard. When it was time for LG and me to leave for school, I went to let him back in. He was gone. We had to leave, so I walked LG to school (less than 10 minutes, across the street and up the hill), and assured her that he would probably be home by the time I got back. I even planned to call the school and get a message to her that he had returned safely, so she wouldn't worry.

I arrived back home, and no Biscuit. But there was a voicemail message. "My name is Jack Ho and I'm calling to let you know that Biscuit is at school . . . oh, wait, someone's here claiming him . . . " Click. I hoped and assumed that "school" meant LG's school, but I could not imagine who was "claiming" him, unless it was LG -- although I secretly hoped he was being dognapped (because he's bad, very bad). I got a leash and a treat and went out the door. Mind you, I have WTF Disease and one trip to the school per morning pretty much kicks my ass, but because my dog had gone to school and retrieving him seemed like the right thing to do, I set out for my second trip. Just as I was crossing the street, I saw Biscuit leading our backyard neighbor down the sidewalk toward our house. Thankfully, the neighbor had claimed him and hooked a belt to Biscuit's collar, walking him home. And the neighbor, Bill, had seen LG and told her what was happening, so she wouldn't be worried.

When LG returned home that day, she told me how Biscuit was the talk of the school. It seems while he was in the yard, he had seen and heard some groups of children heading to school, and had elected to leap the fence and join them. Once there, he walked right into the building with all the kids, and made himself at home. They said he was very friendly to adults and children alike, and sniffed several rooms on his way to his final destination : the guidance counselor's office. LG was quite a celebrity that morning -- the girl whose dog came in to see Mr. G. and get counseling.

You might say, "But, Susie, he's not bad . . . that's cute . . . he just wanted to be with the kids . . ." Fine. How about THIS:

My church celebrates "the Lord's Supper," communion, on the first Sunday of each month. On the Monday following that Sunday, the pastor and one church elder go out to the residences of the "shut-ins" of the congregation, delivering home communion. Rev. Dr. Fruity has a nifty little leather case just for this occasion, with a tiny silver plate for the bread, and teeny glasses for the grape juice. Last Monday, Rev. Dr. Fruity was in our area, doing home communions, and she called and asked if I'd like her to stop in and give me communion. I was happy to have the opportunity. (I must state here that I am NOT a "shut-in," thankfully; I can and do go out, not as much as I used to or hope to, but I do. I am more of a "shut-up," meaning that speaking is sometimes difficult for me, and I often stay home from church rather than attempt talking to people, especially when all I have to say is "Yes, still sick; no, don't know what it is." So. Not shut-in; just shut-up.) Now, where was I? Ah, yes . . .

Rev. Dr. Fruity, and an elder, and Jif, LG and I, are all seated around the table on our deck. Rev. Dr. Fruity has placed the silver plate of bread cubes and the teeny glasses of juice on the table. We all close our eyes and hear Rev. Dr. Fruity pray over the communion.

We also hear, in rapid succession, rustle . . . clatter! . . . SNARF! . . . LG yelling, "BISCUIT!!!!" . . . and the unmistakeable sound of a larcenous canine running away from the scene of a most sinister crime.

Yea. He stole and consumed the Holy Communion bread.

Oh, Biscuit. To paraphrase one of my favorite bumper stickers, Jesus loves you; everyone else thinks you're a VBD.

32 heads are better than one . . .

Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

So...did Biscuit get it before it was blessed?

I think it shows that he is repentant and wants help, if he made a beeline for the counselor's office. You should encourage this tendency. Maybe you could take him to confession as well.

 
Blogger Effie said...

he wanted to be forgiven for running away? um--that's a VBD if I ever did see one!

 
Blogger Candace said...

He was *clearly* trying to wash away his sins. First the communion bread and then the counselor's office (or was it the other way around?); the dog is crying out for help!

 
Anonymous kalki said...

Biscuit's problem is that he thinks he's human and is thus entitled to people things like school and communion. Our cat Bridget suffered from the same delusion. We thought bringing more cats into the house would cure her, would teach her the ways of her species. Instead, she taught them all her naughty tricks and now we have 3 Very Spoiled Cats.

Let this be a lesson to you. Learn from my mistake.

(Hugs.)

 
Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

And your still not considering getting a Saint?

I think if a Saint eats the communion bread it is still a Holy event.



When I first saw that picture I said out loud, Oh No, Biscuit ate the Bible, that is not good.

See? Things could be worse....

 
Blogger Kat said...

I have tears in my eyes from laughing. I love it!

It's obvious the Biscuit need therapy after coveting the holy bread. I'm pretty sure that's really high up there on the list of no-nos

 
Blogger eclectic said...

You kidding me? Those communion wafers are the best friggin' crackers EVER! It would have been the sin of ungratefulness to have let such a bountiful gift remain untouched, and it was obvious YOU SILLY HUMANS weren't going to eat the manna provided. I mean, it's sitting right there, and you guys decide to ignore it, and close your eyes, and everything! *sheesh* Good thing a VSD (very sensible dog) was there to clean up after you. ;)

 
Anonymous Jeannie said...

So when he has a bowel movement will that be Holy Sh..?

 
Blogger Squirl said...

Yes, I think he's trying to reform. He's just a bit unclear on the concept.

 
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

That was great. I love a good Benji, I mean Biscuit story.

 
Anonymous Summer said...

This reminds me of a story about my husband's weiner dog (dog!), Rocky, who once crashed a funeral in progress. Inside the funeral home.

Long live VBDs!

 
Anonymous Katy said...

Has Biscuit been reading nursery rhyme books lately? I mean, the parallels to "Mary Had a Little Lamb" are startling. Maybe he thinks he's a lamb! He IS very cute. I can see why LG is so crazy about him.

 
Anonymous sharkey said...

And he looks so innocent in the picture! LG will certainly be talking about this first day of school for many years to come.

I hope your pastor has a sense of humor!

 
Blogger Lynn said...

Man, I love that dog. I'm so glad to have a Biscuit Friday! Susie, I'm sorry he caused you trouble but, YOUR DOG ROCKS!!! Seriously though, DOES your minister have a sense of humor? What happened next. Please do tell!!!

 
Anonymous Michelle said...

Having never rad a previous story about your dog (relatively new to your blog) I am now and forever in love with him. We are all creatures of God you know. Dare I ask what the minister said?

 
Blogger barbschellenberg said...

LOL! That's so cute! I'm sure you didn't think that, at the time though. I hope that Biscuit was blessed that day! :)

 
Blogger Susie said...

bucky, I think it was in the process of being blessed. He'd have to convert to go to confession. We Protestants only confess to God . . . and blog readers ;)

effie, I've been telling you people. Bad.

candace, he's crying for help? I'm crying for help . . .

kalki, hi :) You're right; he does not know he's a dog. He thinks he's a gay, transvestite, Presbyterian grade-schooler.

jess, you make a good point about the Saints. Biscuit did not (yet) eat the good book. I tried to make him read it.

kat, yes, the shameful truth is, my dog needs therapy. Desperately.

eclectic, so Biscuit was all, "there's good food in front of them, and they've gone to sleep!"? hmmm...

jeannie, jeannie, jeannie, jeannie . . .

squirl, you are very generous and forgiving.

mrB, Biscuit provides story material rather regularly :)

summer, I can just picture that. I hope the deceased was a dog lover.

katy, great minds. I kept thinking of that line, "It made the children laugh and play, to see a lamb at school."

sharkey, lynn and michelle, dog lovers, all: my pastor is a dog lover, too, and she got a good laugh out of the incident. When we resumed, she even thanked God for Biscuit, and for laughter :)

barb, yes, blessed and with an extra snack.

 
Blogger Andrea said...

OH, I loves me a good Biscuit story! And I love that you're posting a bit more often than you have been...hope it means you've been feeling at least a little better.

 
Blogger Amy said...

Bad Biscuit! (And I can't help reading biscuit out loud in my head in the french way, besquee.)

You holy sanctified puppy. My Catholic heart is horrified. (And delighted)

 
Blogger LadyBug said...

Oh, Susie, I needed that giggle SO badly.

At least he's a VBD and not an STD. 'Cause then he'd get into your underwear drawer and you'd have STD in your BVD's.

Clearly, I need some sleep. And possibly some medication. (Do they even still make BVD's?)

 
Blogger Lynn said...

Ok, it was just too hysterically funny and I had to share. The Husband's comment: "Look at that face! He is just too precious!" And this is AFTER I read the story to him and we laughed our asses off. This is not the first time we have laughed like a couple of hyenas because of one very cute, but very bad dog!

 
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Like the Rev. Dr. Fruity, I. too, have a nifty little leather case with a tiny silver plate for the bread, but a miniature silver chalice rather than teeny glasses.
Biscuit may have just been taking what was his, at least in Orthodox Christian theology. Antidoron (from Greek, meaning "instead of the gifts") is the remaining consecrated bread. In some traditions, the Antidoron is distributed to the poor or homebound; in others, it is placed outside the sanctuary, where it is consumed by the elements or by animals. Biscuit is an animal; he may have thought he had a right to the bread!

 
Blogger SassyFemme said...

Oh that takes the cake, er... communion. Just ROFL at jeanne's comment!

 
Blogger Nina said...

My first thought was just like Jeannie's.
I think it is a good thing he is cute.

 
Blogger Susie said...

andrea, truth is, I don't feel a bit well. Posting more is my way of trying to be normal, do something fun. When I first thought about taking a break, except for Sundays, I thought I'd get some rest, get a diagnosis, take some meds and come back good as new. I had no idea what I was in for; still don't, really. With health or with blogging. Glad you enjoyed the story :)

amy, I like the French pronunciation. Pesky Biscuit! He is horrifying, indeed.

ladybug, thanks for the perspective. VBD is not such a bad 3-letter affliction, all things considered. STD would be worse.

lynn, glad you and hubby enjoyed :) I do think Biscuit would be "no longer with us" if he didn't have such a cute face.

ssnick, Biscuit thanks you for intervening on his behalf on some doctrinal basis ;)

sassy, oh, he's taken cake too. Entire loaves of bread . . . boxes of candy . . .

nina, it has saved him, the cuteness has. And while I am not sure about the answer to Jeannie's question, I do know that Biscuit has prompted us to exclaim those words, from time to time.

 
Blogger Von Krankipantzen said...

What a very cute, um, I mean BAD, um, but cute doggie woggie.

 
Blogger ...jus me said...

Aww Bisquit, we love you, even though my hand was clamped over my mouth the whole time I read about the communion incident!

ps. my blog is finally back up and running, so come on over and visit! I have three dogs...there is probably a good chance to hear a bad dog story.

 
Anonymous peaches said...

Jeannie's comment had me in stitches! I thought the same thing Jessica did- oh no, not the bible.

Poor biscuit! What a bad rap he is getting. Just one look at that cute wittle face, how could anyone not help but love him?

 
Blogger Karen said...

Oh, what a bad dog. I sure did enjoy this post! It's been a while.

And for Ladybug, the company that used to be called BVD evolved into Fruit of the Loom. So technically, I guess, BVDs are still being made.

 
Blogger WILLIAM said...

I think it is very fitting that Biscuit went to the counselors office.

 
Blogger gopher said...

I concur with Kalki, we thought that Lucy would help balance out Harlow, but it turns out that we are now faced with 2 times the problems.

And since I'm staying away from original, What william said was also my thought.

 
Blogger judypatooote said...

Biscuit, Biscuit, Biscuit, your adorable......

 


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