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Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Marital Advice: Don't Ask a Question if You Don't REALLY Want to Know the Answer

It's a horrid, horrid song. It is quite disgraceful, really, and speaks to the darkest elements in all of us: envy, lust, conceit . . . And sometimes it gets stuck in my head, and I can't stop singing it.

Jif is at the computer, doing something totally boring productive, while I wait impatiently until I can return to the computer and waste ungodly amounts of time do a little blog-surfing.

I start to sing,

"Doncha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?
Doncha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?
Doncha? Doncha?"
And yes, of course I'm doing the dance. How can you sing the song without doing the dance? I mean, I am snuggled in a recliner, under a blanket, but yea, I'm doing it.

Jif looks mildly amused, but does not respond.

"Doncha wish your girlfriend was HOT like me?
Doncha wish your girlfriend was a FREAK like me?
Doncha? Doncha?"

Jif pauses from his keyboarding, glances at me, then goes back to work.

"Ahem. I SAID,
'DONCHA WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS HOT LIKE ME?
DONCHA WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS A FREAK LIKE ME?
DONCHA? DONCHA?'"

Pause. I must know . . .

"DONCHA? DONCHA?"

"Yes!" He exclaims, suddenly turning toward me. "Yes, I do wish she was hot like you! Yes, I do wish she was a freak like you!"

Yes! "Well, alrighty then. That's what I'm talkin' about . . ."

Hey . . . .wait a minute . . .

45 heads are better than one . . .

Anonymous zuhn said...

I think you should count yourself luckt that he didn't answer with:
"Always marry an ugly girl. That's the only kind. She'll never ever leave you. And if she does, you won't mind".

Hi Susie. I just thought I would come out of hiding and say hello.

 
Blogger WILLIAM said...

"If you want to be happy for the rest of your life. Never make a pretty woman your wife." :)

Sorry.

I am sure you are much hotter than Jif's girlfriend. I mean she may be younger but I sure you are much hotter. :)

 
Blogger Susie said...

zuhn, hi there, thanks for stopping in :) And yea, I am pleased he didn't say that! He would never say that . . . he has too much to live for.

william, I am of two minds, after reading your comment. First, the song you sang is the one that came to my mind after reading zuhn's comment. I was going to sing it, but you beat me to it. Great minds :)
Second . . . she may be younger, eh? You haven't really met my dark side, have you, William? That may change, any moment now :0

 
Blogger abcd said...

I think the problem is you just
went with the chorus part and
did not sing the song.

Or maybe it was the singing?

I know I am in big trouble for that
last comment. I just can't help
myself. You know sisters tease
each other like this :)

 
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

LOL -- That's terrific! Sweetie, YOU ARE HIS GIRLFRIEND. :)

 
Blogger Susie said...

ok, swlf, which one of you mean girls is it? I'm thinking Shoshie. So it's my singing, is it? Well, let's look on the bright side. If he's cheating on me with a younger woman who can sing . . . maybe it's Joss Stone. Maybe she'll sing me a song before they go out. That'd be OK, I guess ?

You know, I started blogging to relieve stress. To lift my spirits. This morning I come in here, and I get called ugly, old, and a bad singer. I may need to find a more effective stress-reliever.

CK, girl, am I glad to see you? Your comment makes no sense. But I don't mind that; that, I can live with. At least it's NICE to me. This, CK, THIS is why I will marry you.

Now I must forget that I am old and ugly and can't sing, and go off to work. Where I will pretend to be the sane one :)

 
Blogger Jim said...

It's probably one of those female questions that a guy cannot answer correctly to no matter what he says:

'Doncha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?'

'Of course, honey. You're very hot'

'WHO'S THE GIRLFRIEND?!?'

or

'Doncha wish your girlfriend was hot like me'

'Don't be silly'

'YOU DON'T THINK I'M HOT?!?'

Best to just gut yourself with a frosting spatula :)

I'm kidding - I'm sure you're not like that, Susie :)

 
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Susie -- Well, it's early, and I'm not sure exactly what I meant in that comment, but I really meant it in the nicest possible way. I don't think you're old or ugly or... whatever that other thing was. Unless it was something good. Then, yes, you are totally that other thing I can't remember right now.

Good LORD, I need some caffiene, no?

Good luck with pretending to be the sane one, Susie! It's not working so far for me, but if anyone can pull it off, YOU CAN! You go girl!

 
Blogger Nina said...

LOL, yep best not to ask those kind of questions. John would have answered with I don't have a girlfriend. He tends to stay on the safe side of things. Or he might have said I'll take the HOT, but keep the Freak out. Now my curiousity is stiring and I may just have to ask. :)

 
Blogger dashababy said...

Funny girl. I can just picture you wiggling under that blanket singin' away. Oh, and thanks for the Neil Sedaka song/plague/virus.
Oh crap, there he is again. Unfortuantely, I know all the words so it just plays continuous til I get something else stuck in there. I'm not sure which one is worse..... Pussycat Dolls or Neil?

(I'm laughing at your comment back to William :-)

 
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Why can't we get Neil Sedaka onstage with the Pussycat Dolls for one special night of...ummmm...fag haggery?

And before anyone protests that turn of phrase, I'll have you all know I am a HUGE fag hag. Always have been, always will be.

 
Blogger abcd said...

So sorry of course the meanie was
me, Shoshie.

Now because I dissed your singing
that bad karama got me. My daughter
started puking-lucky me!

So now I must say you are the
best singer, the hottest young
women in the world. Oh and I love
Neil

Shoshie

 
Blogger Susie said...

jim, are you sure, um, on the gay thing? Because you display keen insight into the mind of a woman, here ;) I can truthfully say, I'm not like that *anymore*. Back before I was eligible for the Kohl's senior discount, I may have put Jif through a few of those minefields. heeheeee

CK, thank you for your confidence in my ability to fake sane, sweetheart :)

nina, "I'll take the Hot, but keep the freak out," CRACKS ME UP! You just tell him I said, you have to take the freak with the hot :)

dashababymama, I don't know which is worse either . . . but if you wanna talk musical nightmares, picture Neil (or Kneel, as I like to call him now) fronting for the Pussycat Dolls :)

 
Blogger Susie said...

bucky, *gasp* here is a frightening development! I was commenting while you were, and we proposed the same scenario. I knew I'd stayed too long at the PDBSH.

shoshie, OK, now that I'm young, hot, and talented, your child will stop puking. What am I, a witch? This day just gets better and better . . .

Put on some Neil Sedaka for her. You know you have the CDs. You protest too much. You are a total closet Neil lover.

 
Blogger little sister said...

See, since I'm a fag hag (I live in the gayborhood, 'member?), I thought only gay guys sang that to each other. Seems a little creepy to learn that straight women sing that to straight men....and yes, some questions should NOT be asked. You DON'T want to know the answer even if you think you do.

 
Blogger Amy said...

You, Susie, are a hot freaky girlfriend.

Especially hot, under the blanket and all.

 
Blogger Dawn said...

that's some talent, susie. doing the dance IN the chair. i must try that.
oh cheeze, you crack me up. bet life at your place is never boring.

and, thank you very much, i now have that song in my head :P

 
Blogger dashababy said...

Alright here we go again,,,, Neil Sedaka is GAY??
I mean, I don't care if he is, I just never knew it. Hmmm. He does enunciate quite well now that I think about it.

 
Blogger hellokittn said...

It's better than the song Bucky just put in my head :).

See, if Jif was thinking correctly (ahem... swiftly) he would have said something to the nature of "yes, I just can't get enough of you sweetie, let's get a clone" or something like that.

 
Blogger Karen said...

I just love questions like that. They are so much fun! Look at the great blog entry you got out of it.

I am only saying this because everyone else took all the good lines and responses and I don't have anything else to add. Plus I've never heard the song and I don't know the dance and I am feeling very inadequate right now and I have to go and find out what I've been missing. ;-)

 
Blogger mrtl said...

Jif better recognize the booty flies.

 
Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

You tell Jif that I am wounded. He told me that I was least as hot and freaky as you.

See if I answer his emails anymore.

 
Blogger Susie said...

lilsis, OK, what's your point? That I'm creepy? lilsis, I thought you had my back. OK, I never claimed to not be creepy, you know.

amy, thank you for that. Yep, the more blankets, the hotter, for sure :p And the freaky, well, that's all the time.

dawn, see, doesn't it just get STUCK? Doncha, doncha...

dashababymama, you are killing me with the "enunciate." Is that a thing? I've never heard that one. It reminds me of this guy at a furniture store, and I was asking him about some lamps, and he says, "You need to talk to Dale. He knows a lot about lamps." And his buddies laughed, and I realized that "knows a lot about lamps" was his euphemism for gay, and it pissed me off. But I must admit, I've used it, to Jif, since then. And Dale, did, in fact, know a lot about lamps. I have gorgeous lamps, thanks to him. But the enunciating. I'm still working on that. Oh, and Neil/Kneel. Were you drunk, I mean, sick, when they teased me here with the Neil Sedaka thing? If you missed it, DO go back a little bit here, to "Just When You Think You Know Someone." The comments are hilarious :) And you'll learn more than you ever wanted to know about Kneel.

chchchchia, you know, at first, I thought, yea, a Susie clone. But, no. Oh, mygoshNO. A clone of me would just annoy the hell out of me. Brrrr. No. One's enough.

karen, I hope you won't hold me responsible if that horrid song gets stuck in your head, and then leads to revelations in your marriage.

mrtl, oh, girlfriend. I like it. I like that for a T-shirt: Recognize the Booty Flies heeheeee
I've been thinking of you all day, baby. In ways that I swear I've never thought of another woman all day: I've been thinking, wonder if mrtl's getting her nipples stimulated? If you need any help, you let us know; I am sure we could get a group from here to come over and assist. I blove you that much.

jess, ohmy, I fear I have committed a faux pas. Jif and I are always up in each other's inboxes, as it were, and I thought those nekkid pix were for ME! I'm sorry. I will forward them to him immediately. *delete*delete*delete*

 
Blogger Karen said...

Well, luckily it didn't remain stuck too long. It is one of those ones that tends to stay with you -- whether you want it to or not -- isn't it?

 
Anonymous lawbrat said...

I got nuttin' to add, but i'm cracking up, and that is good!!

Thanks!

 
Blogger Closet Metro said...

That's almost as dangerous of a question as "do these pants make my ass look big?" - which is often best to answer "wrong."

"No" = the pants have nothing to do with it. Your ass is damn big - it really doesn't matter what you put it in.

"Yes" = it's all the fault of the damn pants. You have a wonderful ass. Those pants just ain't doing you any favors. Take 'em off. Oh, yeah, that's much better!

 
Blogger dashababy said...

"comes skulking back"
Um, yeah, so I was absent that day but I took the makeup course by reading all the comments on BOTH blogs.
I didn't know you knew Neil. Now I know what happened to him. Honestly, I think he is an awesome songwriter of sappy songs that I happen to like.
Next, I spose you're gonna tell me Barry Manilow is gay or something and you probably had a hand in that too! You runaround Sue!

 
Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

You are the cutest thing ever!!! I just love this, Susie.

(Nice picking up on the scene, Jif. I mean, FINALLY...)

 
Blogger eclectic said...

Apparently Jif's a choosy muthah, too...

;)

God help the person LG chooses!

 
Blogger Susie said...

karen, see what I mean? But the lyrics are horrid, it must be the tune. I've tried to make up other words, maybe something involving Cheetos, but no success yet :)

lawbrat, cracking up is good, indeed, my friend ;)

closet metro, I am one woman who has NEVER in my life asked that question. (I know the answer; I wrote a whole post about the answer: my ass makes my ass look big.) However, I would ask that question, just to hear that "YES" that you have provided. *printing it out to give to Jif*

dashababymama, oh no you di'int just call me Runaround Sue! Ohmygosh, I had forgotten this, but my prom date, who didn't take me home (there's a story about him on here somewhere), that mofo dedicated that song to me on the radio in our little Hillbillian town! Rrrrrr! I HATE that song!

hoss, why, thank you! And yes, Jif sometimes takes his time. That's not always a BAD thing ;)

eclectic, a true story: when LG was 3, she asked me "How do you choose who your husband will be?" I gave her the best answer I could come up with for a 3-year-old, and she said, "That's too hard for me. Will you pick my husband for me?" I was ALL OVER that. In my keeping box, I have the contract, signed in crayon, block letters, where LG gave me the right to choose her husband :)

 
Blogger Annejelynn said...

- dammit, now this song is stuck in my head and I don't even know what it's called or who sings it!?!?
- Doncha? doncha?

 
Blogger Hippo said...

"How fat is my ass" I asked my ex-wife. She never answered. Next day I came home and her, her and my belongings, and my neighbors husband were gone. Never, ever, ask.

Dr H.O. Potamus-Kenya Ambassador

 
Blogger Dawn said...

now, that is priceless: "In my keeping box, I have the contract, signed in crayon, block letters, where LG gave me the right to choose her husband :)"

i can see it now:) does she know you still have it?

oh, annejelynn, its by the pussycat dolls, and consider yourself lucky, for not seeing/hearing it

 
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Well, you eventually got his attention, didn’t you—and he got yours. Sounds like a first-class interaction.

 
Blogger Traci said...

Well dayum girl! I could'a told you not to ask! That's like asking "Does this dress make my butt look too big?" Who the hell wants to know the real answer to that question?!!! LOL

 
Blogger Jomama said...

Ok. I just read the Neil Sedaka post and listened to snippets of his greatest hits on google and I still have no clue who this guy is.

But I do have that stupid "Doncha" song in my head now. Thanks :)

 
Blogger Squirl said...

Okay, I'm lucky. I don't know the Doncha song. But I was reading all through the comments and quietly singing to myself. Of course, I'm at work right now. I was calling somebody up and reminded myself to stop singing before the guy answered. That's when I realized Kneel was in my head. Yes, I was quietly singing Calendar Girl without realizing it. It took me so by surprise that when the guy answered I had forgotten who I'd called and why. Thank goodness he's a co-worker and I pulled myself together really quickly.

One of these days I'm going to have to post the words that Ichabod and I made up, while instant messaging, to Calendar Girl.

And if Jif'd been smart he would have told you that you're his wife, his girlfriend, his everything he'd ever need in this life. Yeah.

 
Blogger abcd said...

Some questions should never ever
be asked! I could list them all-but
that would take days.

Nikki

 
Blogger Von Krankipantzen said...

Very, very loaded question. One question that probably should be answered with another question.

I am devious that way.

 
Blogger Greenthumb said...

Somehow, I don't think Jif could really do any better than you.

So Stop PUSHIN' THAT BUTTON!!!!

XO

 
Blogger Susie said...

annejelynn, sorry, baby. Doncha wish you could get it out of your head? Doncha? Doncha?

hippo, I stand by my original diagnosis: nuts, but harmless :)

dawn, yea, she knows. Now she says it's null and void (actually, she says it "doesn't count"); I need to consult eclectic or lawbrat ;)

ssnick, I like that, a first-class interaction. Two people paying attention is a good start ;)

traci, you'd think I'd know by now ;)

JOMAMA!, you weren't raised by white people, were you ;)

squirl, we'd love to hear your and Ich's song. I will pass along to Jif what he would have said, if he had been smart (that always goes over well, don't you think?) ;)

nikki, that reminds me of when someone says, "Some things are better left unsaid," and the other person says, "That is so true . . . like what?"

kranki, you ARE very tricky; no one can outsmart you :)

greenie, I'm quite sure that's not true, but lucky for me, he may think it is ;)

 
Blogger abcd said...

Excuse me Diana Ross but I saw
you singing over at Kranki's.

I have a question-are you touring
this summer?

My daughter is still sick when are
you coming to relieve me. I think
a few of your songs would just
cure her already.

Shoshie

Now that I have called you Diana
Ross I will no longer call you
Susie. I will select a new singer
each time.

 
Blogger Susie said...

shoshie, MISS Ross, please. I'm sorry your baby girl isn't well yet. I'll have to think of just the right song. I am now preparing for my world tour. If I come to your ci-tay, I will give you backstage passes ;)

 
Blogger abcd said...

If you are going on tour take us
with you.

Lisabeth

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Patiently awaiting the next blog outburst. Sadly concerned that Sunday will only be a short quote, albeit a great one, but short and sweet nonetheless.

I'm addicted here. Yeah, gumby creeps me out and a waving gumby frightens the living hell out of me, but its the price we pay.

Dr. H.O. Potamus

 


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