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Tuesday, September 27, 2005

But Your Call IS Important to Us, and We WILL Call You Back

I am working day and night, except for a couple of hours in the evening to pick up my kid and hear about her day. I have to figure out a better schedule, because this one is interfering with my blogging. Until I can grab some time to write something fresh, I thought I'd share with you something that tickled me today. I had to call one of my graduate student interns at her home, and was surprised and amused to hear this on her outgoing answering machine message:

Hello, you've reached the Mental Health Clinic.

*If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

*If you have Dependent Personality Disorder, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

*If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

*If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

*If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

*If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

*If you are a Borderline Personality, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

*If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

*If you have ADHD, please fidget with the keys until a representative
comes on the line.

*If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

*If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

*If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

*If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

*If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

22 heads are better than one . . .

Blogger August95 said...


Very funny Susie. I agree, it is important to make your life work with blogging lol. Have a great evening.

Blogger Andrea said...

Hee! I think I've seen that around in e-mails, but never heard of anyone using it as their actual outgoing message. Seems amusingly appropriate for her. I would be the one pressing 1 repeatedly SINCE I NEVER GET WHO I WANT BY PRESSING IT JUST ONCE ANYWAY!


Blogger mrtl said...

Good one!

Blogger Greenthumb said...


I love that one. It's one of my favorites.

I love you too. You're DEFINITELY one of my favorites.

Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

How come there's no button for the anally fixated?

I'm just askin', you know, for a friend.

Blogger WILLIAM said...

Anger managemnet issues just smash all the buttons?

Blogger Susie said...

august95, yea, I really need to get my priorities straight!

andrea, Like you, I think I've seen it, but it tickled me that a mental health counselor would actually use it. I hope none of her clients ever call her at home!

mrtl, thanks. Hi, Frida!

greenie, welcome, my long lost brutha :)

bucky, if you're anally fixated, stick your finger up BEEEEEEEEEP

william, good one! They left that one out :)

Blogger Effie said...

Teehee--I've heard some of them, but I forgot this one:
"if you have short term memory loss press 9 if you have short term memory loss press 9 if you have short term memory loss press 9"

Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Nite message! Nite one!

I love the "paranoid" one.

I really hate it when work interferes with my blogging.

Blogger LadyBug said...

That is hi-freakin'-larious.

Anonymous lawbrat said...

Those are great! I've never seen any of them, so I seem to be the first virgin here.

Blogger Nina said...

I didn't think anyone actually used it. It would have been hard for me to leave a message, because I would have been laughing.

Hearing about LG's day is, as you know priceless . . .

Blogger Candace said...

How about: "If you're depressed, just sigh loudly and an operator will be with you shortly."

Blogger Ern said...

So how many times did you have to call her house in order to get it all transcribed?

Very funny!

Blogger Squirl said...

That was good. My work schedule hasn't been as bad as yours, but it's been busy enough to mess with my blogging.

Just can't have that!

Blogger Von Krankipantzen said...

That is really too funny. I am taking it that no clients ever call that number for reals.

Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

Thats pretty good, I have had some weird answering machine messages but that one out does anything I ever had.

And Bucky, What about the orally fixated? You cant just leave us out.

Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

And, finally:

"If you want to leave a message, you probably have forgotten what it was."

Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Jess, sorry - I did not mean to give all the attention to the ass freaks and leave the orally obsessed out in the cold.

I hereby take the attention off my ass and put the attention squarely on your mouth.

Um, that didn't sound as magnanimous as I'd at first intended...nothin' to see here, people.

Blogger Susie said...

effie, of course you forgot that one -- clearly you have short-term memory issues ;)

CK, hi! I hope I don't have to quit work so I can blog full-time :p

ladybug, it did tickle me. Hope your FIL is OK, and home soon.

lawbrat, you may well be the first virgin here . . . let me think on that . . .

nina, I know, it took me a few moments to get my mind around that . . . yep, while LG is still willing to talk, I am making the time available :)

misfit, if a suicidal person called, it would be too late by the time they got to the end!

ern, good question! Actually, I went looking for it online, found it and changed a couple of the responses I found to match what I remembered her machine saying.

squirl, yea, I need to adjust to my schedule AND I need to adjust it; it really isn't working, not just for blogging, but for my sanity.

kranki, I surely hope not, but I think I will mention that to her -- better safe than sorry.

JR, I probably can't imagine some of yours. Bucky has an offer that you might be able to refuse :0

hoss, that is certainly a risk; it took me a moment to remember what I wanted to say!

bucky, yea, um, get a room :0

Blogger Annejelynn said...

I have a droning-voice audio version of that...came through some email fwd. was hilarious

Blogger momo said...

OMG! ROFLOL...seriously!


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