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Tuesday, May 24, 2005

every bad word EVER

I've seen a lot of bloggers posting the "search words" through which visitors come to their sites. So I decided to check mine out. The title here is actually one of the searches that brought someone to me. And here I thought I was doing pretty well in keeping bad words to a minimum (except -- as I told the Jesus impersonator on celebrity comment day -- when someone gets really pissed). Because I do try to run a PG-13 sort of establishment here, I have been quite surprised to discover that most of the searchers who come here are looking for porn.

The following are some of the words that have, apparently, brought you to me. My commentary is in italics.

  • "Oh here she comes, oh here she comes"
  • what was I thinking?
  • getting rid of fruit flies, shit flies
  • george butt sax (yes s-a-x, and I am #1 for this search!)
  • pictures of lilac bushes
  • "groom sings"
  • uhohnowlook
  • Katie Couric's colonoscopy pics
  • Rick Shroeder (I am #3 for this, only because it is misspelled here)
  • chesapeake Gourmet
  • hot Colombian booty and the related thick booty teenagers and the related thick booty mature thumbnail and the related booty quest and the related big ass cracks and the related booty nekkid and the quite possibly related what is booty

OK, here I must rant a bit. Some variation of the above phrases appear in my stats on a daily basis. And usually, my site is the only non-porn site that is listed when someone does such a search. My question: if you are looking for "hot Colombian booty," and you get the list of 48,500 options that you get, what in hell is the thought process that leads you to click on me, instead of one of the other 48,499 that are so obviously more what you had in mind when you began your search? Just curious . . .

Wait! Maybe I do understand. Is it like when I get up and walk into a room and then just stand there thinking, "Hmmm, now what did I come in here for?" Yea, that must be it. You decide to do a porn search, then when you get into the search page, you forget for just a moment, what it was you came onto that page for. Then you start scrolling down the page and you see "What Was I Thinking?" And of course, THAT sentiment suits you perfectly in that moment, because you have temporarily blanked, and were just asking yourself that very question! So you click on me, then you get in here, and when you don't see anything that grabs you, you remember . . . "HEY! I was lookin' for porn! There's no porn in here!" And you go back to your other 48,499 options. Mystery solved.

Not that I think about these things. And now, back to our regularly scheduled list of search terms:

  • wife ass vagina beautiful (see preceding rant)
  • house deal fell through
  • things they say
  • jif sexy (well, I certainly think so)
  • black jif (throw it out, it's expired!)
  • Mrs. Pissy Britches (hi, Pissy! Someone's lookin' for ya!)
  • arg pirate commercial all you can say is
  • "johnny depp is gay" (Johnny Depp is SO not gay.)
  • Mikie and Life cereal
  • SNL, Aaron Neville
  • Chris Rice Presbyterian
  • bleeding heart flower story (I don't know that story.)
  • listen Susie darling
  • you must apology
  • i want to know some bad words (1. Well, you've come to the right place, because we have every bad word EVER, and 2. Does your mother know what you're doing on that computer?)
  • JUST BOOTY (Yea, we've covered that.)
  • twisted Biscuit
  • apology writing
  • gay Male + stirrups + story (More than one person has found their way here using this combination . . . I have no idea . . . )
  • tom cruise outed
  • Susie
  • what's the country song that has the phrase "what was I thinking?" (Ooh, ooh, I know! It's called, "What Was I Thinking?")
  • "what a wonderful word"
  • twister commercial jingle Milton Bradley (While I am not what you were looking for, you will find that here :)
  • healthy relationship with a Passive aggressive person?
  • sign yearbooks clever memories
  • "high school" pictures "boob" (I thought those had all been destroyed!)
  • what exercises can I do to make my ass smaller (Alas, you won't find that here, although see next search . . . )
  • "yes I would if I only could"
  • my four year old son keeps saying penis
  • "I know Susie"

And my favorite, although I know it's another porn-hunter:

  • aunties in panties

However you found your way here, welcome :)

33 heads are better than one . . .

Blogger echrai said...

Wow. And to think I found my way here by clicking on your profile after noticing your various witty posts on other regular reads in the blogger community. Now I'm bummed. I SO would have liked to have searched for something interesting and unusual to bring me to my favorite blogs. And the strangest search term thus far that's brought others to my site was 34DDD. Oooo. I'm so tame. :P

Blogger eclectic said...

You have to stop now -- I'm laughing so hard I'm spitting coffee at the monitor and it's gonna be a bitch to clean up. I blame Brandon.

Blogger marybishop said...

It is amazing how people find one's blog. I am number one in google if you put in: husband turd mouth.

I am number one for white anuses.

It's as if google has it in for me. And there are worse ones I won't speak of!

Blogger echrai said...

Oh yeah, and FIRST! Yay! Yes, I seek strange landmarks every day. I announce the hour before I leave work as if it is the commencement of a great occasion. Every day. And it is, oh, it is. Getting to Susie's blog to comment first is rather difficult. :) Even for a blabbermouth like me.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Haha! Mrs. Pissy Britches out to have taken them directly to Jul of the Day! That's the pet name my husband gave me the day after we got engaged.

Anonymous Julie said...

I really wasnt trying to be anonymous ... really.

Anonymous LadyBug said...

Johnny Depp is SO not gay.

That is all.

Blogger The Lioness said...

Someone once found my site looking for "water sports". I actually thought they meant water polo and the likes. Yesterday it was "I forced my wife to get a short haircut", tantalising in its obscurity. I do get "jiggling boobs" a lot, somehow. Loved ones are "gag factor #13","evil claw markings", "why women don't talk to me" and the ever present "poop cake". LOVE blogging!

Blogger Candace said...

OK, weird. I posted a comment here, but it showed up at Kristine's blog.


Anyway, what LadyBug said. Totally NOT gay.

Blogger Circus Kelli said...

I've gotten some doozies, too. The one that creeped me out the most was the DOZENS of searches for "Party Girls" that came to my journal (before it morphed into a blog). That was the title of an entry I wrote about Punkin's birthday party when she was just three years old. Bleh...

Blogger Jomama said...

Those searches are kinda scary (and the fact that they come to your page is just weird). People actually search for butt crack? For some reason that one stood out to me the most. Oh yeah and the 'wife ass vagina beautiful." I hope I don't know people like this.
I get searches almost everyday for baby rina. I would love to know who this baby is; I bet she's really cute.

Blogger Susie said...

echrai, there is nothing tame about 34DDD. I would imagine not, I mean. You flatter me, it's not so hard to be FIRST! That made me laugh, though.

eclectic, sorry about the monitor. However, I am certainly in favor of blaming Brandon -- for any number of things.

MB, your husband must be so proud. That's one of those we don't REALLY want to know what those folks are looking for :0
The anus one just reminds me once again of horribly out of fashion I am.
There were worse ones for me, too; things that I could not begin to make humorous, because they were just too creepy.

anonymous julie, well, I should hope you weren't trying to be anonymous, because if you were, that would you mean you really suck at it, putting the name of your site in your anon comment! And I can't imagine that you really suck at anything. Unless . . . I'll just leave it at that.

ladybug, thanks to you and me and misfit, maybe now when someone googles JD and that question, they'll be directed here where they can get the TRUTH.

lioness, you must be a very appealing and terrifying lady.

misfit, that's odd. And random, too. I'll go to Kristine's to see it. Thank you for speaking the truth about Johnny.

ck, I got some really creepy ones related to little girls that I didn't put on my list. Don't you just want to tell those lurkers, "shoo!"

rina bee, I left you the results of my investigation. You DO know people like that. We ALL do :0

Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Every time I look at my referrals, I get at least half a dozen searches for some variation of "Kielbasa Queen."

Oh, well. At least I'm the queen of something.

Blogger Andrea said...

I understand now. The reason I get so few people who surf in from web searches: because I never post anything remotely X-rated :)

Blogger Greenthumb said...

Type in 'unrelenting cough' and you'll find your way to me. I'm #3 for that one.

Anonymous lawbrat said...

Oh the joy of searches that find our blogs. My third most search finding me is Michigan Bar Exam Results. #1 is lawbrat, #2 is got my hair cut short today. Bad words dont come in until bottom 10 or so....go figure.

Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

"throw it out; it's expired."

Hoo boy.

Blogger zhoen said...

I am baffled at getting "samples for tight perms for short grey hair." The rest I can at least figure out, if in a very torturous way, but I really don't know why my site would even show up for this. Google has a lot to answer for.
"standing poses nude victorian women sketches" while not what my site is about, I at least know all these words are there.

And those weird ones only stay <1 sec.

You write an amazing blog. Thank you.

Blogger Nicolette said...

Some of my recent ones include:

pictures people spying on girls panties (Yahoo)

sexy wording of fur (Google)

and perhaps the oddest/scariest one of all:

loving people by the wind finding someone little (Yahoo)

Blogger Redhead Mommy said...

good grief, i almost peed my pants!! That was hilarious.

How do you find out what searches are used to find your site??

Blogger Colleen said...

wow! don't you love the immortality that google promises?

Blogger No_Newz said...

You do run quite a wholesome program here. Amazing how many pervs found you. I wonder if our comments cause some of those unexplained search items to bring you up.
I did a post a couple weeks ago about my husband singing the wrong words to Hollaback Girl. He was singing, "I ain't no Harlem black girl." As funny as I thought it was, I've found most of my search items since that post have been looking for a Harlem black girl. I wonder how many people are singing that song incorrectly.
Lois Lane

Blogger whfropera said...

i almost wish that i could have some cool keyword searches. I get "Bugs Bunny" and "Elmer Fudd" all the damn time.
well, I also get "how to tape opera on the internet" but we won't go there, m'kay?

Blogger Susie said...


andrea, just throw in a few "booties," even "pink booties," and my crowd will come rushing over ;)

greenie, that's not how Sir Elton John found you, as I recall . . .

lawbrat, didn't your topless posts get you some hits? Topless lawbrat; I know someone's out there looking for that!

hoss, well, would you eat black peanut butter?

zhoenw, your searchers are very particular, very specific. Mine will take any old "booty."

nicolette, cheez whiz, I thought my searchers were odd. I'd be very afraid of yours :0

redhead mommy, I think others have more sophisticated tools than I, but I use www.sitemeter.com for free, and if you go to your daily report and click "referrals," you'll see how people got to you, including searches.

colleen, yea . . . I have had to come to terms with just WHAT I may be famous for when I leave this world.

loislane, some of the searches are definitely directed here because of comments. E.g., it was a commenter (misfit, maybe?) who "outed" Tom Cruise! I love misheard song lyrics. I think it's www.amiright.com, that has zillions of them.

operagirl, you have to throw in a little ass with your opera if you want to get the pervs like I do ;) (Or a big ass.)

Blogger Nic said...

OMG! You've gone from Christian Bitch to auntie panty porn peddler.

Has anyone else noticed that A LOT of the blogs are no longer available. Been trying to get to Bucky's tonight and keep getting and error 404 message that the blog can't be found - no matter how I input it. Like 30% of the blogs I visit are "missing" tonight.

Blogger Susie said...

nic, yep, same here. Bucky, Squirl, Kristine, Ern . . . all MIA!

Blogger Squirl said...

Blogger must've had a server down last night. It's funny, though, that the only ones I noticed down were mine and my sibs'.

I don't have my site meter working yet to see how people find me through searches. I wonder how many of them will contain the phrases "pickled bologna" and "brainy idea"?

Blogger trisha said...

I googled "cool AND sweet AND smart woman blog."

Blogger mrtl said...

This is SO in my duckpond. (Please tell me you understand that or I'll be really disappointed.)

It is a little creepy. Maybe meeting had something to do with it.

Blogger laurenbove said...

This is a great post. I should let people in on the many google search terms that get people to my blog. I love marybishops recent: husband turd mouth ...that's one hell of a querie!

BTW: If you've seen the recent trailers for "Willie Wonka" ...JD looks a little...er...gay.

Very reminiscent of Micheal Jackson as well...

Blogger Random and Odd said...

I found my way here because I did a search:


and low and behold...you were #1

Blogger SierraBella said...

Heck, someone Googled "Davey and Goliath" and found me...
Guess I'll have to use more ambiguously sexual words now!

Blogger Susie said...

squirl, I searched both those terms, thinking you'd be first...lots of people have brainy ideas, and there IS pickled bologna!

trisha, enjoy your trip!

mrtl of the duckpond, I don't want to disappoint you, so I'm going to say, yes, I understand. I don't think it's very nice of you to say that meeting me was creepy.

et tu, laurenbove? First mrtl turns on me, then you! SO NOT GAY.

Kristine, you are way too sweet. I hope you're doing well. You're in my heart.

sierrabella, from what I've seen online, Davey and Goliath may well be the name of some sort of specialty porn site!


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