An accomplice. I like the way that is worded.

so sad that you're so right...

Amen, Susie.

Sometimes denial leads to an ugly, ugly place. But some do not know how to protect their children because they were not protected as children and therefore, no knowledge. A sad excuse, but all too true.

william, that is a gentler word than what I originally wrote. Thank you.
Putting a child in the presence of a known child molester creates what we call a "predictable occurrence." No excuses.

effie, I'm sad to be right.

barb, yea. Thanks for the encouragement. I don't normally like to boss people, especially vulnerable, injured people. And I don't know that this will make any difference. But maybe it will. To one.

hootiem, I think in this area, like in all other areas of life experience, we parent our children out of what we have learned. Sometimes we've learned painfully, brutally, but we still have to use what we've learned.
I've seen the horror that a good parent experiences upon learning that her child was molested by an acquaintance whom she trusted. That's different from entrusting a child to someone whom you know is a perpetrator. There's no excuse. There are reasons, there are justifications -- I've heard them. No excuse. And again, I'm not even concerned here with people who've done it already. They have plenty to deal with. Just saying to those who may be faced with such a decision today or in the future: please don't.

Say it, susie. There are no ifs, ands or buts.

So, so, so, SO right on!

Thanks for writing this. If even one person makes the right decision because of it...

I know exactly what you're saying. It happened to me and Stumpy doesn't get a million miles of the person concerned. At family gatherings if that person is present there are 4 fierce women (me and my sisters and mother) who will literally circle her and ensure that that person is never able to get close enough to touch her.

They are keeping their distance now but as they near the end of their life I wonder whether I'll feel relief at not having to stand guard.

As far as I am concerned, there are no second chances with abuse. People may get older and they may regret their actions but they can never be undone. My mother left me with that person because they were family and therefore trusted. They violated that trust and to put my own child in a position where it could happen again would be an act of not only gross stupidity but also, I feel, would be tantamount to neglect.

Phew! You got me started there! Anyway, as always your words are wise and I feel your frustration. xx

Nothing funny about it. There are no "three strikes" in protecting your child from known or foreseeable dangers. You're either safe or you're out, there's nothing in between.

You're right. There are reasons it happens but no real excuses. Children are just so vulnerable. Even if we're damaged we have to do our best to protect them, even if it means breaking through our denial and feeling the pain.

This is just me talking, but that's why (as far as I'm concerned anyway) the best way to deal with known child molesters is vaporization. That way, there are no more worries. 'Course, as long as I'm just talking, slow and painful vaporization would be even better...... Not that I'm vindictive or anything.....

[Yes, I know that child molesters were often molested themselves, but they choose to do it to another child].

Amen Sister! That is the worst, most horrible thing.

The apartment I just turned my application into- I researched if there were any registered pedophiles in the complex.

I talk openly with my boys, but it's still my responsibility to make sure we're moving to a safe place. There are times where they will be home alone. Not long periods, but home alone nonetheless.

I'm very blessed with these two. Brennen is now 13 and he's been hanging out with me most of the day even though it's been a 'bed day'. We've watched a movie, about a teenager that was stealing her parents prescribed medications and using them to get high, went to the bottom, almost died, her parents put her in rehab, good ending.

I'm glad you posted this.

Love,
Peaches

Wow,
it's been a long...

how's things at this side of the road?

I have to tell you i really like the way you try people leave commets here. I mean I like this: XX heads are better than 1

Yeah!!

Well, good luck, health and good love.

Good advice, Suzie. I hope someone benefits from this post.

This is exactly why it makes me sick and extrememly pissed off when I hear stupid shit like... "But they're your family...can't you just forgive?...that is all in the past..." and a million other really stupid things that make me see red. (Mind you this is about the more 'run-of-the mill' abuse -- they don't even want to hear about the rest. My poisonous mother still thinks I should be ashamed of myself as far as that goes.)

The truth is... it has a way of sticking around. It's not really in the past. AND I DON'T FEEL I SHOULD HAVE TO FORGIVE THAT. And I don't want my kids around anyone who has anything to do with the conspiracy of silence, even if she is their grandmother. She is/they are poison and they don't have any business even being in the same house with my kids. Not for a birthday, not for Christmas or any other 'gathering' -- NOT EVER OR FOR ANYTHING!!! I don't have to 'gather' with poison just because of shared genetic material. That's just not good enough.

As a former child affected by just such a situation, thank you, Susie, for these words. If only my mommy and her siblings knew better.

I have no idea whom this is directed towards but it's touched my heart tonight that you've put it out *there*.

Peace...for you, for children everywhere...for all of us.

This is so true! I was in a bad situation as a child and when I tried to tell my mom what my stepfather was doing she said, "I can't handle this right now. Just stay away from him."
You know what really pisses me off? When it's the woman's boyfriend and she's making excuses for him. How desperate can you get? To chose a man over the safety of your child is horrible.

htgt, some things are too important to allow loopholes.

kranki, thanks. I don't know that anyone who "needs" it will even come by here, but I needed to say it.

platy, I'm so sorry that happened to you. Stumpy is blessed to have her fearsome foursome. You will feel relief, among other things. I know.

eclectic, you hit a homerun with that comment ;)

pat, well said, and that is exactly what it means -- the denial and pain.

lawyerchik, do you have, in your possession, one of them there vaporizers? You bring up something I'd like to address, and I know you know this, but I'll put it out there for some who haven't heard it:
While it may* be true that most perpetrators were molested as children, it is definitely true that most children who were molested do not grow up to be perpetrators.
(*I say "may" because that has always been the research and the conventional wisdom; I've recently heard of some "good" research that discredits that belief, but I haven't seen it, am not sure.)

peaches, I admire the way you look out for your boys. All the best with getting to your new home.

carlitosreina, gracias, and nice to see you again. That comment line works fine after two comments, but people say the "zero heads" or "one head" upsets them a little ;) Good luck, health and good love to you, too.

jen, thanks; I hope so, too.

lynn, it's a no-brainer to keep kids away from poison. Shouldn't be so much of a stretch to know what to do when the poison comes in a human container. Thanks for providing the metaphor :)

traci, you remind me of a quote that's on one of our Christmas tree ornaments, "Every child is entitled to a childhood."

rayne, I'm so sorry that happened to you. As I'm sure you know, that happens all the freakin' time, the looking the other way so as not to lose the man; or blaming or disbelieving the child. I can't get my mind around it, either.

I have nothing to add since I agree 110%. This I have seen too many times.

I could not agree more.

I have seen these kids too, not only do they have to deal with that rage that grandpa/ uncle/pervert/ monster molested them but also knowing that mommy/daddy/ auntie knew it, had been through it and STILL thought it OK to let grandpa/ uncle/pervert/monster babysit? Evil in the extreme. It is never alright to 'hope' your kids will be alright, especially when you know damn well that they almost certainly won't be.

Don't have one of them there vaporizers yet..... I'll keep you posted!

I couldn't agree with you more...
thank you for posting this, Susie

Well said. I would only add that if someone reading this has abused a family member, and is now looking at another family member and wondering if they can get away with it again, there's a lovely quote from Dennis Miller: "Do the world a favour. Go buy a gun, load it, lean in, and take one for the team."

Not very enlightened, I suppose. But how much better a world if some people weren't in it ...

What a sick sickness.

nina, mks, sheryl, thanks for the support. xxx

t.o.m., yep, that's another layer of the whole ugly thing.

lawyerchik, yea, let us know; there's definitely a market for it.

nilbo, I take the 5th on that one.

otk, humans can be that way, sadly.

Susie~

A million AMENS!