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Friday, December 22, 2006

And We Cheat!

Since I just told you how we lie and steal at Christmas, I figured I'd go all out and tell you how we cheat, too. Well, to be perfectly honest (sometimes I am!) I should say I cheat. I am the cheater in the family. And I suppose in the process of cheating, I have lied as well. (Isn't that always the way with cheaters?) The story I am about to tell you is true. The names have been changed to protect . . . well, no one, because everyone who would recognize anyone will recognize them even with the changed names, but I'll change them anyway. I always said that this story could not be told until at least two of the parties involved were deceased. But that was rather an extreme position, because it's not like it's a matter of national security, it's just a matter of . . . vanity, ingenuity and deception. In that order.

Long, long ago, in a department store about 5 miles away, there shopped three fair ladies. There was the Queen; her daughter, Princess Shirazz; and her daughter-in-law, Lady Susie. The Queen has long been reputed to be very difficult to shop for (for whom to shop?). This is because, as is often the case with Queens, if she wants something, she already has it. Princess Shirazz and Lady Susie were meandering through the Women's department at Macy's when the Queen spied a sweater that she fell instantly in love with (or with which she fell instantly in love). Now, this was quite exciting to Lady Susie, who had not yet bought the Queen a Christmas gift. The Queen held up the sweater, a black, tunic length turtleneck with brightly colored diamond shapes on the front (an argyle sweater, it was), and both Princess Shirazz and Lady Susie agreed that this was the perfect garment for the Queen, and would most definitely fit her as though it were custom made. The Queen agreed, and Lady Susie was just about to insist that the Queen allow her to purchase the sweater as a gift, when the Queen looked at the size tag. It read, "2X." And the Queen said, "Oh. It's a 2X. I wear a 1X. I can't wear that big thing."

Rats (entire rats, not just asses). Princess Shirazz and Lady Susie set about scouring the racks for the same argyle sweater in a size 1X, but alas, it was not to be found. Lady Susie did, however, find a similar sweater, by the same designer, in a size 1X. And she held it up beside the Queen's beloved sweater, pointing out to the Queen the REALITY that there really was only a miniscule difference between the two sizes, and since the Queen loved the sweater, and since it would most certainly fit, and since Lady Susie was so freakin' tired of trying to think of a nice gift for the Queen, one that she would actually use, then wouldn't it be acceptable, just this once, to buy the size 2X?

"No." The Queen had spoken.

Lady Susie pulled Princess Shirazz aside and told her that she had a plan. She asked the Princess to keep the Queen busy. And then Lady Susie did something that is almost certainly wrong, by someone's book of what's right and what's wrong, but probably (though not definitely) was not illegal. And perhaps not even immoral. Well, you be the judge.

Lady Susie took the size 2X sweater that the Queen loved, and a size 1X sweater by the same manufacturer, into the fitting room. And there, being a former Brownie who is always prepared, she took from her purse a small pair of scissors, and she (oh no she di'int) (oh yes she did) carefully cut the 1X tag from the "other" sweater. She put the tag in her purse for safekeeping, and then, unbeknownst to the Queen, she purchased the size 2X black tunic turtleneck argyle sweater.

Later, back at the palace, Lady Susie ever-so-carefully removed the size 2X tag from the garment, and ever-so-carefully handstitched the size 1X tag back in its place. She then placed the lying sweater in a gift box and lovingly wrapped it in fine Christmas paper.

On Christmas morning, when the Queen opened the sweater, she exclaimed, "Oh! I can't believe you found it in my size! I LOVE it." And that was the truth, because the Queen was seen wearing that sweater for several years to come.

So there you have it. I did not set out to do a series of true confessions at Christmas time, as I have done in my last few posts. But I do feel better for having cleared my conscience. At least until the Queen hears of this.

Something about Christmas brings out my need to confess. I just recalled that last year at this time, I told y'all about some lying and cheating, too.

And now, I give you the Christmas Fairchildren. This is from the photo we sent out with our Christmas cards, except their noses were the regular boring color in those photos. Thanks to Shawkey, I was reminded of how much fun it is to give red noses to those who can't do anything to stop you. You do it, too! And go tell Shawkey if you do. She has issued a challenge!

red-nosed fairchildren

27 heads are better than one . . .

Blogger ~Krystyn~ said...

Loved the sweater story - that's hilarious!!

Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Well, I suppose that was cheating. But I assume no one was harmed. Now, Susie, if you had sewed that 2X tag on the 1X sweater and someone had bought it…

I’m glad all turned out as a merry Christmas.

Blogger eclectic said...

Ooooooo.... you are a sneaky sneaker, Ms. Fairchild!! Well done you, on getting the Queen something she truly wanted and enjoyed, even if you had to sort of massage the data to do so.

Now, on to the pressing matter of that gorgeous picture at the end of the post: Holy crap, that's one beautiful young lady! Even Rudolph's nose can't hide it!!

Blogger Von Krankipantzen said...

You are an evil genius. EVIL!! But for the greater good.

I love you.

Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

You are evil in the very best of ways. Tag swapper.

And do you know how freaking long it would take me to "Rudolph" every sentient creature in this house? I wouldn't be done until Christmas 2007.

Anonymous Sharkey said...

You ARE sneaky. And if the Queen gets wind of this story, it's going to make for an interesting Christmas in your family!

Love the pic of LG and the VBD. But how can you go wrong with two cuties like that?

Merry Christmas, Fairchilds!

Blogger The other me said...

HOw marvellous, because you jusy KNOW the queen loved that sweater even more as it was only a 1X that was actually loose, hoorah she is getting thinner wothout even trying, double cheat, the very best kind. I am so happy I found your lying, cheating, other peoples' chocolate eating self. Merry Christmas to you! Helen.

Blogger Nina said...

I'm glad you made the Queen happy. Cheating is different when it is to make the Queen happy.
I love the Christmas Photo of the Fairchildren and I love their red noses too!

Blogger Squirl said...

I agtee with Nina, as long as the Queen was happy and no one was hurt, it's not really cheating.

And I love the Rudolph pictures too. You must be so proud of that beautiful little girl. :)

Anonymous kalki said...

I adore you.

(And that is a precious Fairchildren photo!)

Blogger Ern said...

The second I read "handstitched" I almost fainted. I bow down to you, as you are certainly destined to be Queen one day too. Or at least the Princess of Quite-A-Lot. :)

And your fairchildren are beautiful. Our VBD lookalike is getting groomed today. Maybe they will red-nose him for me?

Blogger MrsDoF said...

To please the Queen, there are times when extreme measures must be taken.
And the salespeople who had to readjust all the size tags really earned their wages that week. The conversation about what sweater and which rack must have been interesting.

Nice picture. The VBD is fine, and the LG girl is tops in cuteness.

Sharkey is quite the idea person.
My coding skills are not quite up to par in that area.

Blogger Ortizzle said...

Hilarious. I love how you tell stories. That sounds like exactly the sort of thing I would have done myself. Except I would have been worried about security cameras in the dressing room catching me cutting out the other tag, ha, ha. Here's hoping the Queen does not find out. :-)))

Anonymous platypus said...

What a great post, Susie, thank you. Evryone's on fire tonight! You made me smile. :0)

Blogger Susie said...

krystyn, welcome, and thank you :)

ssnick, no one was harmed; and the other sweater was just left tagless, so no one got a too small sweater.

eclectic, yep, all's well that ends up the right size. Thank you; I will accept that compliment from one who would know a thing or two about having a beautiful daughter :)

kranki, most of my evil really is for good (I hope).
And I love you right back.

bucky, yes, I am a tagswapper. And. I saw what you did. To that cat.

shawkey, thank you again for that delightful reminder of the red-nose thing. I am so easily amused, thank God :)

t.o.m., you have pointed out something I didn't even consider. By golly, that was a DOUBLE gift for sure! No wonder she liked to wear it so much. Happy to have found you, as well, and Merry Christmas to you and your crew :)

nina, if the Queen ain't happy, ain't nobody happy, right? Thank you; I enjoyed your memory lane pix over there.

squirl, thank you, sis. I am proud of her; very blessed to have her in our lives.

kalki, same to you. That's why you're the only one on whose blog I confessed my sordid donutty past. heee And thank you :)

ern, you might have to tip them for the red-nose, but I'll bet they'd do it. I'm not so sure I'll ever be Queen. Not if they do a background check ;)

mrsDoF, yea, the only bad thing was there was a sweater there with no size in it. Ah, well. I don't know nothing from no coding, but even I could make a circle and keep turning up the red. Next year I should learn Photoshop, I hope.

ortizzle, the family has not read here in quite a while, but this will probably get me in trouble. Hey, I didn't even think about the security cameras. That would have been a whole 'nother Oprah.

Blogger Susie said...

oops, platy, I missed you. On FIRE? hmm. I'm happy to make you smile. I'll come see you before Santa does.

Blogger WILLIAM said...

Switching tags is such a great Idea. Imay have to ry that with one of my brothers, but only take a large and switch it with a 2x tag, to make them think they are getting fat.

You are very clever.

Anonymous SoozieQ said...

Oh I want to do this with all the jeans in my closet!

I LOVE the photo. Oh my goodness, you do realize that LG is stunning, right? I think perhaps you need a more protection geared dog to keep suitors at bay. Oh say, you know...a Malinois! ;-) Heh. Kidding. I like you too much to wish that upon your family.

Blogger Kentucky Brat said...

Susie - you brighten my day on so many levels. That is why I love coming to visit!

Personally, I think you have "Queen Status"... and I think you've had it for a while now.

Merry Christmas to you.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Merry Christmas to you and yours. We all hope you have a very blessed

Blogger meno said...

that's the best Christmas story ever. Because you know that the @X sweater would never have fit.

Blogger Amy said...

great story, Susie!

Love your red nose reindeers!

Blogger Andrea said...

You are devilishly clever. While it *might* have occured to me to do such a thing, I don't think I would have had the cajones to carry it out!

And those Fairchildren are gorgeous!(though didn't you just get Biscuit trimmed? And *already* his eyeholes are getting overgrown? ;) )

Blogger hellokittn said...

OOOOH... and I thought I was a sneaky pete wrapping vanlandw's pillows in a brand new microwave box with exactly 18.3 pounds of weight in it to make him think it's really a microwave O:-). It's certainly a lot less treacherous than the videogame I was going to wrap in the Wii box... that would just be torture :-[.

Love to you and yours with many wishes of happiness this holiday season!!!!!

Anonymous LadyBug said...

What a lovely photo, even with the red noses. :)

And that story absolutely cracked me up.

I'm sending much love and many prayers and virtual hugs your way, Lady Susie. May this holiday weekend find you surrounded by those you hold most dear, and may you and yours have a very Merry Christmas.

Blogger Susie said...

william! You mustn't use my tricks for EVIL! (But let me know how it works out if you do ;)

soozieq, thank you; we think she's kinda cute. And you're right, Biscuit will be of no use whatsoever when the suitors arrive.

kybrat, you brighten my day every time you visit, too :) Merry Christmas to you.

anon, Merry Christmas to your whole bunch, too.

meno, well, probably not as well as the one she got ;)

amy, thank you. Think they'll go down in his-stor-reee?

andrea, thank you, and yes, the VBD could use bigger eyeholes, but he's SO far down on the list right now. Plus, he's bad.

chchchchia, bait and switch, torturing people with the gifts? tsk tsk tsk, that is quite a Christmas tradition you have there, miss kitty.

ladybug, thank you, and Merry Christmas to your whole bunch, too.

Anonymous Daphne said...

Ah! You all are so cute and so funny and so loving. Thank you for fessing up!


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