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Tuesday, December 19, 2006

We Not Only Lie at Christmas; We STEAL, Too!

I swear we didn't mean to.

It was last night. We had been to the mall. (Here I must pause to high-five Jesus and anyone who's been praying for me. My WTFy legs taking me through the mall at the end of the day is truly a Christmas miracle.) THE MALL. At night, the week before Christmas. So we were in a weakened, vulnerable state. A grumpy state. A spacey state. A hungry state.

When we got home, there were the boxes that perch on our porch almost daily now, courtesy of the UPS man. One of them was a Harry & David box. That means some good things to eat! We know this, because we've gotten them before, from nice people. So we bring it in. It's the Deluxe Gift Tower! Woohoo!

Weakened, vulnerable, grumpy, spacey, hungry Jif holds it aloft, like Simba in the Lion King. Woohoo!

"Ha! Hold it like Simba again, let me get a picture!" Woohoo!

I give you SIMBA!

Then I take over. "Let's see . . . we've got your chocolate covered cherries . . . got your truffles . . . got your mixed nuts . . . got some very pretty apples . . . and . . . pears!" Woohoo!

Then Jif takes over again. And I, from the comfort of the family room couch, ask him, "Hey! Who's it from?"

"Says . . . Harry & David."

"Does not! Find the card!" Woohoo! Chocolate covered cherries!

"Says . . . Jane and Will Johnson. They thank us for our support." Woohoo!

"Woo . . . WHO?" We don't know Jane and Will Johnson. We look more closely. It's our address on the label. But it's NOT OUR NAME! The Deluxe Gift Tower was NOT OURS! It was sent to The Gorillas, at our address. We bought our house from the Gorillas. Five years ago! Oh, &%^$! One truffle and two cherries had already been consumed.

Really, how much support could the Gorillas be to the Johnsons if they moved 5 years ago and never even told them? We would be much more supportive than that.

***
(Tune in next time for, "And We Cheat!")

34 heads are better than one . . .

Blogger Momentarily_Distracted said...

Well, you really wouldn't want the chocolatey goodness to go to waste.
Besides, if you don't know where the people from whom you bought the house moved, then there's really nothing you can do. Except think of Jane and Will Johnson and make a toast to them with said truffles. ;o)

 
Blogger meno said...

Oh i just can't WAIT to be king!

Enjoy the chocolates and such, treats are always better when purloined.

 
Blogger Ortizzle said...

I'm guessing Jane and Will Johnson will never know. Go ahead and eat it all up!! In fact, why not break open some champers and toast to their unintended generosity?!

(BTW, the reason my comment was there 3 times on your previous post is because Blogger-Blogspot was taking an eternity to post my comment, and I didn't think it had gone through. So I kept hitting the refresh button in desperation. This time I will wait patiently, and if there is no result after 10 minutes I will email you the comment, ha, ha!)

 
Anonymous sharkey said...

You didn't happen to steal the package that FedEx said they delivered to my house today, did you? If you opened said package, you would find lovely portraits of people you don't know. Heck, I hardly know them--they're paying me to produce photos that they can give as Christmas gifts. You know, I needed a little added stress this week . . .

Anxiously awaiting your third installment!

 
Anonymous Michelle said...

AH HA I loved that post! I love when happiness over chocolate takes presedence over all else!

 
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

Eh, beat your chests a couple of times, have a nanner or two and POOF your're gorillas.

*decides not to tie this comment into another subject*

 
Anonymous kalki said...

Screw the Gorillas. Eat the chocolate.

(How's that for Christmas spirit?)

 
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

My experience, since I have lived in my present house, has been to check mail before I open it. For five years, at least a couple of times a week, I have been taking misdelivered letters and packages to their rightful recipient.

 
Blogger MrsDoF said...

Two years ago, we got a box from Omaha Steaks. The house number could have been a 7 or a 4--it was smudged from rain water.
Talk about a moral dilemma, especially since I don't really LIKE the neighbor whose name was quite readable on the label.
I did take it over to them. Sigh.
So many years of Sunday School came to the surface.

I totally would have to partake of your stuff, though.
Five years is long enough to fill out change-of-address forms.

 
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

If it's food, and you're all that hungry, then I don't consider it misdelivered.

Just another Christmas miracle. A yummy one.

I wish someone would misdeliver a pizza right about now.

 
Blogger Susie said...

MoDis, that's right. Here's to the Johnsons! mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm :)

meno, you might be right; I have never been a big treat purloiner, but these are mighty fine :)

ortizzle, I MIGHT try to contact Harry & David and explain...but these days I think it would be a zoo trying to get through, so I'll wait a bit. Again, To the Johnsons! mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm :)
(Oh, and blogger has been driving me nuts when I try to comment, I'm doubling and tripling, too ;)

shawkey, as a matter of fact, YES! I've already framed them, and am eating pears in front of them! hee I didn't intend for this to be such a confessional series, but after I wrote about the lying, and then last night with the pilfering, I'm pretty sure I can come up with some cheating to admit to, as well.

michelle, chocolate IS a wonderful thing. Especially when it's waiting for you on your porch, and involves cherries and is a little bit forbidden.

mrB, (OK, I was trying to spell some Gorilla sounds, but was most unsuccessful, so just insert them here: )

kalki, you arouse something very primitive in me, with that comment, causing me to chant:
Screw the Gorillas!
Eat the chocolate!
Screw the Gorillas!
Eat the chocolate!
Screw the Gorillas!
Eat the chocolate!

Everybody, now!

ssnick, Even a Deluxe Gift Tower!? Truly, had it been another time of year, I'm sure we would have inspected it carefully. This was one of about 5 boxes we opened, and we just weren't paying attention as well as we shoulda coulda been.

mrsDoF, I do feel a tad guilty. I don't know the Gorillas' address, or anything about the Johnsons. Only way I could 'fess up would be through Harry and David. Maaaaaybe I will. That Golden Rule thing tends to get to me.
"Forgive me Father Harry, for I have sinned. I have eaten the chocolate covered cherries intended for the supportive Gorillas..."

bucky, yea, a miracle. Maybe the first of many. That would be good.

 
Blogger Lynn said...

It was chocolate!! I'm sure the Gorillas would understand. I sure do. Could you pass me one of those contraband truffles?

 
Blogger Von Krankipantzen said...

I think the cosmic universe KNEW you needed the nutritional support more than those ape people. I say Hoorayyy!! for happy accidents.

 
Blogger WILLIAM said...

(Running around with a sword and a Hello Kitty Helmet trying to inspire the troops.)

Eat the Gorilla's
Screw the Chocolate
Eat the Gorilla's
Screw the Chocolate.


Wait... a minute....does that sound right.

 
Blogger Susie said...

lynn, sure! Enjoy :)

kranki, yea, that's the ticket. Nutrition from the universe :)

uh...william?
A. Your Hello Kitty helmet is on backwards
OR
B. Son, you got a panty on your head.


Y'all, I'll be internet-free for a day or two, except for maybe popping in at the office this evening. We're getting a new computer, and transferring stuff from old to new and whatever. See you soon!

 
Anonymous hemlock said...

Oh rock on!! Eat those chocolates!!

You're right. They can't be THAT good friends if they don't even know they've moved!

 

The universe delivers a mountain o' chocolate to your very door step?? Oh yeah, eat away!! Consider it one of the easier lessons in gratitude that the universe is so fond of dispensing. (Didya get any chocolate-dipped apricots? May I have one?)

-Lotus Lynn

 
Anonymous LadyBug said...

It's not stealing if it's sitting on your own front porch.

Possession is nine points of the law, don'tcha know?

 
Blogger Squirl said...

Susie, enjoy your contraband, I'm sure you need it more.

Good luck with transferring to the new computer.
*crosses fingers*

 
Blogger Effie said...

oh wow---chocolate delivered, just for you, almost!

I suppose, if you KNEW their address and kept in contact with them, you COULD send the unopened boxes to them, because maybe they made an online donation and just ASSUMED that the company had their correct mailing address.

OR

You could thank them for the lovely chocolate while enjoying each morsel. And make sure that everyone who has any of the chocolate cherries, etc, does the same! And then, if you DO know their address, you could send the card on, in January or so, so that you are still being the good neighbour!

 
Blogger Ern said...

How did Gorillas ever manage to pay a mortgage?

I say, five years is well beyond the statute of limitations for gift-forwarding. Besides, it's too late, right?

 
Blogger Kentucky Brat said...

Susie... you crack me up.

These last two have been laugh out loud funny..

Keep'em coming!

*high 5's Jesus, cause Susie deserves it*

always in my prayers

 
Blogger Nina said...

I sent food like that for four years to John's sister. We talked to her on the phone now and again. She never said a word about the fruit, the chocolate or whatever else we sent her. The fifth year at Christmas when she called I asked her if she had gotten the cheese we sent? No, not yet . . . well maybe I should have sent the chocolate like last year. She said what chocolate? John, you gave me your sister's address wrong. She hasn't lived there for seven years.
I truly hope the other people enjoyed it. To me it wasn't the responsibility of the new occupants to send it on or to try to find John's sister. It was ours to make sure we had the correct address. So I hope they enjoyed it and didn't let it go to waste.

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had this happen once with chocolates. I called the company and they told me to keep them. You might let H&D know so that the senders don't get charged... That way, guilt free holiday food

 
Blogger eclectic said...

If you had bribed the UPS guy to leave it with you, I'd be worried. But I'm with Ern, the S/L is waaaaaaaayyy over by now. Not to say that a phone call to H & D would be out of line, but seriously, 5 years?? Even if you did know the address they moved to 5 years ago, whose to say they've stayed put and not moved again? Have some yummy stuff, courtesy of corporate America.

 
Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Hell, it's only food. It's not like it was a million dollars or something. Or, maybe, two million.

 
Anonymous sharkey said...

Hey Susie--

It's funny that you should mention stealing. Because last Christmas you left a comment at my place about stealing, and now I've taken it and run with it.

I've issued a bit of a challenge based on your comment. I hope you feel up to doing it (but I'll understand if you don't). Stop by to see what it's all about. ;)

 
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Good GOD, Susie! Admitting to the fact that you STEAL, right before Christmas?! You're gonna get on Santa's Naughty list!

What are you thinking?! ;D

 
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

That's okay - my name is on Santa's naughty list so many times that he'll probably scan right over Susie.

 
Blogger SierraBella said...

The only thing I ever found on my doorstep courtesy of former tenants was a case of toilet paper!
I'd have preferred your chocolates.
Enjoy, and Merry Christmas!

 
Blogger Nina said...

Now see Sierrabella, if you go back to a post called "Hitting Bottom" on November 28th. You will see that a case of toilet paper, would be received just a jubilant as a Harry & David box.
But that would have been LG holding the box like Simba and a marker in her mouth. Ha ha . . .

 
Blogger Susie said...

hemlock, yea. I always tell my friends when I move. Especially the ones that might send chocolate :)

lolynn, only the cherries dipped in chocolate. Sorry :(

ladybug, since you are VERY close to an officer of the law, I must take your word for it :)

squirl, I JUST got back online tonight. And the guy who had the darned thing for 2 days and was supposed to transfer everything, didn't transfer anything! It's like fresh out of the box. I don't know if he gave us the wrong computer or what; we'll find out on Tuesday.

effie, I will somehow track down the Gorillas, after the hectic of the holiday passes.

ern, it really is too late ;) The Gorillas worked for the federal gov't. as I recall :)

kybrat, thank you :) It makes me smile that I made you laugh.

nina, thank you for that perspective. And probably what was worse was how you were thinking every year how RUDE your SIL was for not acknowledging your gift!
(Speaking of such, there's an angel on my shoulder right now ;)

anon, that is very good advice. I just assumed since they provided the wrong address, they would get charged; but maybe not. I'll try. Thank you :)

eclectic, what, did the UPS guy say something to you? bastard; I knew he'd squeal

hoss, once again, the voice of reason. And somehow, my Deluxe Tower does not seem quite the windfall that it did before your comment :(

shawkey, I came over, and I love it, but my new keyboard freaked out when I tried to comment. I'll be back, though, and I am going to play :)

ck, I live dangerously, here. I've admitted to lying, stealing, and as soon as I get around to it, I'll confess to being a Christmas cheater, too!

bucky, I was kinda counting on that.

sierrabella, that cracked me up, and I had to wonder, "Were their names on it?" Cause if not, it definitely wasn't my daughter ;)

nina, you made me laugh outloud. Great minds :)

 
Blogger Amy said...

What lovely clean fingernails Jif has!

You eat that effing Harry and David like you're gettin paid to do so, Susie.

Woo hoo! Christmas Rocks!

 
Anonymous Don Miller said...

Perhaps it's an order made five years ago before the Gorillas left. I only realized that H&D owned Jackson and Perkins when Christmas gifts from both to my mom and dad in Florida failed to arrive. Ordered 12/17, chose xmas delivery, paid shipping costs, and neither arrived by xmas. :-( Funny thing is that H&D refunded my full shipping costs while J&P just offered to send an apology letter to my mom and dad. Feel free to indulge - the H&D delivery problems are probably to blame.

 


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