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Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Truck Spills Two Tons of Pig Heads

Comcast internet news has the best headlines. Like the title of this post. The headlines are so good/bad that I never read the articles they entitle, because, really, the article couldn't possibly be as good/bad as the headline, which tells me all I need to know. "Letterman Rips Into O'Reilly." The visual from that is way better than what the article would say. But then there was that one time when the headline said, "Prince Dies in California Car Crash," and I went all Purple Rainy because I love Prince, and isn't that a damned shame . . . and I did have to read that article, and turns out it was the Prince of Tonga, which pissed me off but made me very happy at the same time. Wouldn't you have thought "Prince," "the artist?"

junior leopard

Anyhow, when I saw the headline about the spilled pig heads, and two tons of 'em, at that, it seemed to be a fitting headline for what's been going on around here the last coupla weeks. First, there's WTF Disease. I'm trying to write a post giving an update, a description, or some such thing but that's not done yet. Let me just say that things aren't going well. Yesterday I went to get the results of a biopsy -- a TONGUE biopsy -- that was done a couple of weeks ago. I didn't. Get any results, that is. Because after the ENT doc stuck a NEEDLE IN MY TONGUE to numb it, then CUT OUT A CHUNK OF MY TONGUE to send it away somewhere so someone could do things to it, the someone did the wrong things to it, and did not at all answer the questions that my doc was asking. So. Still waiting for that. More than two weeks later.

But before I could go to get the non-results, an hour away from my home, I had to get my husband to come home to stay with my little girl, who was puking. The day before Halloween. And when he got home, and I went out to get in my car to go an hour away to get non-results, my battery was dead. So I took Jif's car. Jif's no-freakin'-gas-havin' car. An hour away to a city where I don't know about gas stations because I can barely find the doc's office, but I have to just get there because with the puking and the battery and all, and with me not knowing at that time that I'm going there for NOTHING anyway, because the pathodoc didn't do the right things to his piece of my tongue . . . um, yea, I would've been late. If I'd stopped for gas. So I didn't. Until after the pointless appointment. Then I did find gas, but lost my gas card. For about twenty minutes. Then I found it under my tire. I have no idea.


And in the mail, I discovered that I'm a criminal. I must pay $75 or go directly to jail. Because I ran a redlight and got my picture taken. I don't remember doing that. I didn't intend to do that. But they have pictures. So what can I do? (Hmm, wonder if the prison docs are familiar with WTF?)


And then there's health insurance. I am extremely thankful to have health insurance. And I HATE it. A couple of weeks ago, they switched me from my "open access" plan to a "no access ever" plan. Without telling me. So I kept going to my docs, my tests, my scopes and procedures, and all the while, the insurance company was denying my claims. Do you know how hard it is to straighten out a mess like that? I have tens of thousands of dollars of medical bills being sent directly to me, and doctors' "offices" mad at me for falsifying my insurance coverage . . . . yadda yadda yadda. I think it's fixed, now. But it will be a long time of telling everyone to resubmit their bills. I'm so not in the mood for that. The insurance company cancelled my old cards and sent me new ones. I especially like this one. I have long needed to carry a card like this:

intentionally blank

I might not keep it in my wallet, though. I might glue it to my face, or staple it to the side of my head.

And then, LG, my little leopard being sick on Halloween. That shit just ain't right. She missed school yesterday and today, including the big party and parade. But, in accordance with doctor's orders, she did go trick-or-treating for a little while tonight. Honest, her pediatrician said, "Keep her home from school tomorrow, but give her some Motrin and send her out trick-or-treating. It's only once a year, it won't kill her."

leopard face

So that was a treat, getting to see her in her fancy leopard costume. Thanks to our friend Easy Writer for once again sewing a masterpiece. Makeup is by Mama. I did do a little bit better job tonight than my first attempt (see the Flickr photos). Biscuit went out trick-or-treating, but he didn't wear a costume. As you've seen, though, we did try a couple of looks on him. Even though neither LG nor I felt well today, we ALWAYS feel well enough to torture small furry animals.

And I did get one other treat. In the mail yesterday. My good friend, Katy, who comments here sometimes, and has known me since high school, sent me a shawl that she had knitted for me. A bling bling prayer shawl:

bling bling shawl

And I'm just in love with it. It makes me feel warm and loved and better. It joins another prayer shawl and a velvety blankie, sent by blogfriends to help me get through this WTF Disease. Although my symptoms are really kicking my ass the last few days, I am very thankful for shawls, blankies, books, cookies, cards, prayers, phone calls, emails, comments . . . all good medicine for WTF; indeed, the only medicine I'm taking for it, because "they" still don't know WTF WTF is. Thank you for the medicine, friends.

See why Truck Spills Two Tons of Pig Heads seemed a fitting summation of current affairs at chez Fairchild?

My condolences to the royal family of Tonga.

file under: &Family &Can't Make This Stuff Up &WTF Disease

32 heads are better than one . . .

Blogger Momentarily_Distracted said...

First of all:
That's enough to drive anyone gonzo.
Lurve the costume, though.
And the prayer shawl.
*sending happy helpful vibes over to conquer WTF disease and the stuff that Murphy's Law keeping dumping out*

Blogger Squirl said...

What a pisser about your drive to the doc's office for NO results. Seems like they could've called you to tell you that. And the ticket really sucks, too.

But I see someone else in your family looks good in leopard? I hope she's feeling better now.

Still sending lots of love and prayers your way.

Anonymous sharkey said...

Oh man, Susie, what a nightmare day! But I am glad to hear that they have enough tissue to do the tests they're supposed to do, and that you didn't personally encounter the pig heads on the way to your non-results appointment. See? Things can always be worse. :)

Anonymous Katy said...

So glad the shawl is now in the hands of its rightful owner and that you like it. I was at a gerontology conference last week that was held Wed-Fri. Because I attended all three days, the bottom right corner of my name tag was coded "WTF." I couldn't make this stuff up! I thought about you every time I glanced down at it. I considered trying to explain to my friends why I broke out laughing when I first saw the tag. I decided to keep it to myself.

Blogger Nina said...

Your leopard is just adorable, I hope she feels better soon. Being a patient sucks there is no way around it. It just does . . .
May your truck start spilling some thing other than two tons of pig heads, very soon. Sending love!

Blogger Nina said...

Your leopard is just adorable, I hope she feels better soon. Being a patient sucks there is no way around it. It just does . . .
May your truck start spilling some thing other than two tons of pig heads, very soon. Sending love!

Blogger Nina said...

I must have really, really meant what I said, since I repeated myself. oops.

Blogger Ern said...

Blah. And if the one-hour-away doc KNEW that the patho-doc didn't do the right tests, WHY on God's green earth didn't one-hour-away-doc call you to tell you not to bother with the one hour drive?

Blogger Susie said...

MoDis, thanks for the Good Vibrations. I love the costume and the shawl, too. I do have talented and generous friends, IRL and online. So yea, WTF and Murphy's better watch out.

squirl, thinking of you and Ichabod, too, and sending you all love and prayers. I do think my leopard is quite the cat's pj's.

sharkey, you're right! I was quite ready to cry if more of my tongue had to be sacrificed. I learned through that experience that a body part really can be "numb," with drooling, feeling swollen, can't speak, etc., and hurt like hell at the same time. Don't want to do that again, especially because of someone's mistake. And yea, no pig heads that I actually SAW.

katy, thank you so much. The quickie photo here doesn't do it justice. I'll write to you soon, but just know that I LOVE it. I thought you were going to tell me someone presented a paper on WTF Illness at your conference! heee Maybe next time...

nina, you are very sincere, I can tell ;)

ern, this is a good question. A damned good one, actually. And I must say, I would have had a few choice words for the throat doc IF he didn't seem to be the only doc who actively thinks about my "case" when I'm not sitting in front of him, and IF he wasn't just the cutest throat doc you'd ever want to see.

Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

Dang. That's all I can see. That and "Gosh, you've been a busy little Speed Racer."

Oh, and "put that hammer down!"

Or maybe, "Mustang Sally, you betta sloooow, your Mustang down."

Ok, I'll quit.

Blogger Ortizzle said...

Sounds like two tons of pig heads would have been a lot easier to deal with! Sorry about your probs with the stupid WTF doc. They could have phoned you to spare you going in. And the bills... oh, dear, I hear you. I got hit twice last summer, both cars totaled, all within 30 days of each other. The insurance companies are not too efficient, so I continually get dunning notices about not paying astronomical emergency hospital bills. I keep having to call and ask, "Which accident is this for?" Hope your lab results get sorted out soon!

Halloween: Great costume & make-up!

Blogger WILLIAM said...

I would have thought it was Purple Rain Prince myself. Thos internet people and their headlines get me on occasion.

LG looks fantastic.

Your sense of humor is great.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a totally pissy few days/weeks for you! I absolutely adore that you still have your sense of humor though. I'm sorry LG is sick and that you had no results and all the other shit. How frustrating and overwhelming and yet, still you had me giggling today. You ROCK my friend. I hate WTF...

Blogger Amy said...

Cripes, Susie. If I lived near you I would come over and be a human prayer shawl, and give you a big ole squeezer.

Prince would never die that boring. He'll drown in a purple waterfall or get strangled in one of his ruffled shirts or something.

Anonymous LadyBug said...

I just... ...I just love you, Susie. And LG looks beautiful, and Biscuit looks adorable, and...and...

...and I'm just so sorry all this horrible crap is going on in your life right now. And I feel totally helpless, because I can't fix it. I can't do anything about it. I can't make it better. I can't even come over and hang out with you awhile.

But I can pray for you. And I am. Every moment. That's all I know to do.

Blogger Susie said...

mrB, I used to watch Speed Racer every day after school.
Go, Speed Racer, GO-OH! There. had to say that. :)

ortizzle, thank yizzle. I hope you are OK from those accidents. That's terrible! No one should have to ask, "Which accident?" :(

william, I think LG looks great, too. I love Halloween. I'm glad she got to go out, even though she's home sick again today.
I'm hanging on for dear life to my sense of humor. If that goes, I will need someone to put me out of my misery. I may put a sign-up sheet here.

traci, it makes me smile that you giggled here. I love that. Blogging is good for me, for that reason, among others. xoxox

amy, strangled in one of his ruffled shirts. THIS is why you are my favorite comic :)

ladybug, my sweet friend. I do know that it appears nothing good is happening. But I still believe it is. And there's a whole lot of bad that could be happening but isn't. So, don't you minimize praying, missy. You're doing EVERYTHING for me when you're doing that. I truly believe that with all my heart. Thank you.

Blogger eclectic said...

They would have to say, "Prince, formerly 'The artist formerly known as Prince' has died in a purple car crash haze in his little red corvet which was moving way too fast. He was wearing only a raspberry beret..." or something like that. Because not even knuckle-headed headline writers could pass up an opportunity like that.

I have never, EVER seen a leopard with such beautiful eyelashes before. It has ruined me. Leopards in the zoo are just plain ugly by comparison. Hope she feels better by this evening so she can eat some of that candy!

And finally, you're just too afraid to admit that you drove an hour away to get your tongue pierced, and then chickened out, so you're pitching us a "bad pathologist" story instead. I'm not buying it. I recommend a bar-bell with a soft, glow-in-the-dark ball for starters. Try again. ;)

Anonymous Daphne said...

My goodness. I definitely agree with the headline's fittingness and the doctor's orders re: Halloween. Once again I am quite amazed at your sense of humor through it all--how can you not laugh in the face of your intentionally blank card, though? I really cannot believe they cut off a piece of your tongue in the first place, let alone failed to do the right thing with it after. Oh dear. Thinking of you...

Blogger dashababy said...

Hiya Suzie!
Poor baby, dontchya hate it when they lose peices of you? You sound like you had a crappy day all around there, sheesh. Well, on days like that, I just have to convince myself, "everything happens for a reason". Yeah, I know, I hate it when my mom says that to me too but sometimes it's the only thing that makes sense.

What a great job you did with LGs' makeup, you're an artist baby. She looks like she could be in Cats.
And your shawl is beee-u-tiful. I'm green with envy here, glad it makes you feel better.
Love to you xoxoxoxox

Blogger dashababy said...

eclectic, you're killin' me here with that Prince stuff...too funny, I think you could've gone on and on.

Blogger dashababy said...

LOL @Amy,
I gotta stop commenting on these funny comments.

Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Susie! My goodness darlin! Great big hugs to you and LG! I'm SO sorry your week has been so shitty. And forgive me for "shittin" on your blog, but truly, that is one shitty, shitty week you had.

I know what you need!

Well, ok, I don't know what you really need, but if I did, I'd send it right over!

Love you!

Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Oh! And I also wanted to say I think the "intentionally blank" card should be taped to the forehead. That's where I always wear mine.

I also wanted to say Eclectic is one of my favorite people on the planet.

And hey, next time, I might read the comments BEFORE I comment...

Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

Speed Racer is a part of our lives with me and the boy. We don't watch him super often, but now and then we do. We have 3 or 4 DVDs and always make fun of the campy voice acting, but get real quiet when the action is on!

Blogger Lynn said...

Oh man, Susie! I won't even get started about insurance and medical bills. So your husband never has gas in his vehicle either, huh? Hey fellas - WTF is up with that? Hugs to you, Susie. Hugs, hugs and more hugs!

Blogger mrtl said...

This post is so overwhelming I don't know what to say. I wish I had some leftover candy to eat in effigy of the pigs' heads... but I already ate it all.

Blogger Von Krankipantzen said...

Oh man. Oooooooooooh man. Jeez.

Blogger Nilbo said...

So, when a guy says he wants you to "slip him some tongue" ... he really doesn't expect you to take him literally. There's your problem right there.

What with the denied health insurance, the WTF Disease, the speeding ticket, the tongue twisting, and other craptacular events, I'm just amazed you're not up in some clock tower with a high powered rifle. That's some load of pig's heads you've been dealing with. Hugs to you, and if the tongue piercing doesn't work, you can get a tattoo. I hear there's a guy in Miami who does e'm for, you know, older women ... and there's almost no pain at all ... until you have to admit it's fake. (g)

Blogger Susie said...

eclectic, you're killin' me. In lieu of flowers, Prince "just wants your extra time and your . . . . KISS!" heeheee
The leopard does have beautiful eyelashes. I can see in the pic, though, that she's sick, from her eyes. Hopefully they'll be clearer and brighter soon :(

You caught me. Actually, this whole WTF episode is a product of bad piercings. I'm going to get a vibrating tongue bar! I learned that kind of talk from Jess :)

daphne, yea, I wouldn't recommend letting anyone take a chunk of your tongue. Unless you know them REALLY REALLY well. I must have had the Intentionally Blank card prominently displayed that day :o

dashababymama, I'm hoping I learn the reason pretty soon. Or God says, "Aw, never mind!" and it all goes away ;)
Eclectic and Amy are a hoot; I'm going to forward their comments to Prince's peeps so when he does actually check out, they'll know who to get to write his obituary.

ck, why you come over here talking like that? And what ARE you wearing anyway?

mrB, "make fun of the campy voice acting, but get real quiet when the action is on!" sounds like a typical pre-WTF Saturday night around here.

lynn, thanks for the thorough hugging. I need that. Jif's car is near empty ONLY when I need it and am in a hurry. If I have TIME to get gas, there's plenty. Do they meet and discuss how to be annoying? Is there a newsletter or something? ;)

mrtl, howdy, stranger! It's nice to see you here. I was reading about your babies today :) Don't be overwhelmed, just pace yourself ;)

kranki, I know. Here's a good thing I'll tell you. The very cute throat doc was supposed to call me yesterday when he got the right biopsy results. He didn't. But he did call today, just to say that he STILL didn't get the results, but I was on his mind and he wanted me to know that he hadn't forgotten about me. This type of kindness has been RARE during WTF, and it helps, a LOT. I'm sure he will call when he gets the results.

nilbo, I think next up, I'm to slip someone "some muscle." What does that mean?
Older women, eh? What about BALDER women? My hair is still falling out, and I think I'm going to go with the full head tattoo. Maybe I'll have a contest here for the design!

Blogger Dawn said...

I was going to say something, then I read eclectic's comment and completely lost it(my comment, plus the milk I was consuming).

well, hope LG is feeling better soon. that's a gorgeous costume and excellet make-up job there.

grrr-sorry about WTF and the ticket and the insurance. but, glad the insurance thing is getting worked out, though.


Blogger Circus Kelli said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Blogger Annejelynn said...

glad to see you're still hangin' in there with a good sense of humor about this odd deck of cards you've been dealt...

Super fab costume for L.G. -

I have never heard of a tongue biopsy = WOW.


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