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Tuesday, October 17, 2006

The Lingerie Nazi: Bringing Sexy Back

The weather is definitely changing here, and the nip in the air has me assessing my bedtime attire for its warmth and snuggliness. It also reminds me of a story from this time last year, when I went to update my intimate wardrobe at a local lingerie store. Not the one with "Secretions" in the name, but a nice small, non-mall store. I really only wanted to get a couple of black bras and a couple of white bras. That's all. Really.

But the cashier/saleswoman had other plans for everyone in the store that day. While I was making my selections, I became aware of big goings-on around the register. I heard the cashier, a voluptuous African-American woman with a voice that bounced as much as the rest of her, alternately cheering and scolding the other customers.

"Oh no you are NOT buying that bra without some panties to match! It is a SIN to wear a bra like this with your raggedy-ass panties!"

"You got pajama bottoms here . . . where's the TOP? Don't tell me you already have a top to match! What do you have, some ol' stained T-shirt?! You better GIT your butt over there and get you a CAMISOLE to match these pants!"

I had to stop moving the little hangers on the little racks and just watch her work. She cracked me up. Interestingly, the customers loved her or hated her. Some people in line actually dropped their selections on the counter or the nearest table, and walked out, grumbling, offended. Some of them got into the lingerie carnival atmosphere and started trying to choose things that would meet with the cashier's approval, or asking her advice, or trading quips with her. I was among the carnival crowd.

I thought since I was buying only black and white, I could get away with just bras. I also picked up a pretty flannel nightgown, because I love me some flannel in the winter.

The cashier, whose nametag told me she was "Antoinette," wasn't "having none of THAT MESS!"

"But I HAVE black panties and white panties at home, I promise I do! I'll MATCH!"

"Are you married?!" she demanded.

"Yes," I confided, timidly.

"Is your DAMN FURNACE broken? Is your man in a COMA?"

By this time I could translate: put the flannel nightgown back and come back with something sexy. As I walked back to the nighty area, she called to me, "I see you in something LEOPARD! And you KNOW you better get some new panties to match your new bras!"

I obeyed. At least about the new panties. And I came back with some nice, silky jammies and a camisole. And because I just thought she was such a hoot, I picked up a pair of sheer black panties with embroidered ivory flowers, and a bra that matched. Very pretty. Sure enough, Antoinette approved.

"Now THAT'S what I'm talking about, LOOK AT THIS, ladies!" She waved my undies in the air as an example to the other shoppers. "When you put these on tonight, and your husband wants to call and thank somebody, you tell him to ask for 'Toin!"

I told him. And he said Toin was right about the leopard. Maybe next time.

file under: &Can't Make This Stuff Up

35 heads are better than one . . .

Blogger Squirl said...

I am literally laughing out loud here. That's the funniest thing I've heard all day. I would've enjoyed listening to her but I don't know if she could've changed my choice of purchases. :)

Blogger LadyBug said...

"Is your man in a COMA?!"

I don't know if I could've resisted the urge to say, "Why, yes. Yes, he is." And then start bawling uncontrollably.

Yeah, my sense of humor is a little dark and twisted sometimes. Hee.

Blogger August95 said...

That is a hoot. Toni is right though... I see you in Leopard too :O

Blogger Susie said...

squirl, I'm so happy to have made you laugh :) Sometimes I go through lingerie shopping phases. I think Toin got me on a good day.

ladybug, hee. I'll bet Toin would have known just the right ensemble to recommend, to REVIVE HIM!!!!

august, HI! LG is going to be a leopard for Halloween, and I guess that makes me a leopard's mama, so . . . we'll see ;)

Blogger Nina said...

LOL, well you know I don't know about "LEOPARD"?
I so would have loved this woman! I would have joined the carnival crowd.
Love the story and laugh I got this morning! Thank you, my dear!

Anonymous Sharkey said...

A lingerie store with "Secretions" in the name? Um, ew! I'm not trying on anything in THAT store!


Blogger SierraBella said...

I sure hope Toin is hawking products on one of the home shopping networks by now!
I'd absolutely love her!!!

Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Oh Susie! This post made me laugh out loud! I can just see 'Toin! That's terrific. Some people really know how to make a positive impact on others, don't they?

Heh, I think I'm feeling the need to do a little shoppin' myself... leopard?

Blogger WILLIAM said...

I am sure that leopard would flatter your flanks and meduala oblongata.

Blogger Platypus said...

Susie that's wonderful! Like the others I'm laughing out loud. Can you imagine what would happen if someone tried that over here. I think it might just lead to the mass exploding of heads!

Blogger dashababy said...

Hiya Susie!
I just love people like Toin, thank God for 'em.
And I hadn't heard anyone use the term "secretions" in reference to a certain lingerie store before, thanks for that, I'm sure I won't be forgettin' that one. You're just full of gems now aren't ya?

Blogger Effie said...

perfect--and you made her happy getting those pretty sheer things, eh?!

I loves me some leopard print!

Blogger Von Krankipantzen said...

Sounds like a lovely lady who has her heart in the right place. She better have been promoted by now. I love it when shopping is fun that that.

Blogger Lynn said...

If I lived near you, I'd high-tail it over to 'Toin's place in no time flat!

Blogger Karen said...

I'm laughing at the story, and I'm laughing at the "mass exploding of heads" comment. For some reason, I can picture that very vividly.

Blogger Lynn said...

I can picture it very vividly, too. It's because of Susie's wonderful writing. Go Susie!!

Blogger Naomi said...

Leopard print is always fun....I've had fun buying some of that stuff for others (shower gifts, mainly).

Very cute story. I can see she worked on commission! (Hehe!!)
hugs and blove (sorry I'm not around much!)

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know I would have joined the carnival crowd! How fun would that be? Thanks for the giggle!

Anonymous Summer said...

Hilarious. I loved 'Toin's double entendre in regards to the unsexy flannel: "Is your DAMN FURNACE broken?"

I wish I and my raggedy-ass panties lived closer.

Aside from 'scantily clad,' howya' doin' Susie?

Blogger Susie said...

nina, I know you would have joined in. We so often get to choose between being annoyed or being amused. Like you, I try to go with amused whenever possible ;)

shawkey, yep, Victoria's Secretions. Glad you liked it :)

sierrabella, you're right, she'd be great at that. She might have to tone down her language a bit. That reminds me of someone I saw on QVC once, during an insomnia event. She was a guest, selling sparkly clothes, and she said, "Sometimes God gives you shit, but you just have to make the best of it." Lot of jaws dropped, there for a moment.

CK, you could do either leopard OR flames, honey ;)

william, a spotted brain? I think they've already ruled that out.

platypus, oh, no, surely there are wacky people there, too. I just know there are. Some day I'm going to come and see for myself ;)

dashababymama, hee, I'm pretty sure I didn't originate "Secretions," but it does stick with one (no pun intended). Others have said that I'm full of . . . gems. Yea, gems, that's what they said ;)

effie, hmmm, leopard maternity undies? You'd be gorgeous!

kranki, I know, I thought she was just delightful. And very good at her job. I certainly spent more because of her, and had more fun, too.

lynn, that would be a fun shopping trip. I think a lot our friends here would go along :)

karen, glad you enjoyed. Mass exploding heads, eh? Takes all kinds ...

lynn, aw, go on. You're the writer, and you're too kind.

naomi, it's nice to see you, whenever :) I like leopard print, too. So far, a scarf, slippers . . . haven't gone all out yet.

traci, I know you would. And you're so welcome :)

summer, if you and your raggedy ass panties ever come out this way, I'll take you there :) I'm doing about the same. Today (well, it's yesterday at this point) brought a new adventure -- a tongue biopsy. We'll see.

Blogger eclectic said...

This hit my funny bone at just the right angle to make me weep and shake!! Oh dear, I'm not going to be able to stop giggling now. I have NEVER had fun shopping for unmentionables, mainly because I have so little to put in them and those stores and their voluptuous sales staff always make me nervous, like maybe I should wait until I develop to shop there. *sigh* But I'm loving this vicarious Victoria's adventure -- waaaaay more fun than a tongue biopsy, I'm thinking. But hey, while you were there, didja go ahead and get it pierced? Y'know, to go along with all the new fancy unmentionables??

Anonymous song said...

I agree with ladybug about the coma comment thing.

I was planning on buying some flannel pyjamas this afternoon, but maybe I might buy some leopard print - don't want to upset any sales lady!

Blogger Pissy Britches said...

oHA. What a great story.
That is the kind of cashier I wanna start having.

Blogger Susie said...

eclectic, goodlordhavemercy. No, I didn't think to get my tongue pierced, but I did have the ear/nose/throat doc pierce my nipple, because, hey, I'm already here in pain, and he had sharp metal, so what the hell? SHUT. UP! No tongue piercings for me. (Um, and to be clear, just ears.)
I love you so. You are beautiful, and so sexy. I'd better stop before Jif gets concerned ;)

song, leopard flannel sounds very appealing :)

pissy, I think that's the kind of cashier you would BE, if you were a cashier ;)

Blogger Susie said...

Oh, it occurs to me that the "Nazi" reference might not be clear. Homage to the Seinfeld episode of the "Soup Nazi," the guy who made great soup, but you had to order and pay for it according to his exact specifications, or he'd send you back to the end of the line, or not allow you to have ANY: "No soup for you!"

Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Didn't 'Toin realize you were just paying homage to Flanella Jo with your purchase?

Tongue biopsy...I feel your pain. I had one o' them when I was in my late teens. Nothing ever came of it, but I still have a nice little scar on my tongue to remember it by.

Blogger The other me said...

Oh I would have loved that lady to bits! I need stuff like that to happen in my life, I love people like that. the world is way to short of glorious people!

Blogger LoriLaurieLauri said...

I just found your blog, and what a GREAT first read! ROFL!!!

And I wanna know where I can get a saleslady like that, so after I go shopping and my husband is complaing, I can say, "She MADE me buy it! She wouldn't let me out of the store if I didn't!" lol!

Blogger Ortizzle said...

Toin sounds like she outta get her own sit com. Hilarious. I probably would've picked out something that matched, too. And quick! :-))

Blogger Susie said...

bucky, you know I loves me some Flanella Jo :) My tongue STILL hurts four days later! :(

t.o.m., indeed, people like Toin make ordinary life events very enjoyable, and yes, the world is too short on glorious people, but I feel thankful because my blog is often blessed with such people, present company included :) AND "glorious" is a wonderful word.

lolala, welcome! I like the way you think ;)

ortizzle, a sitcom in a lingerie store, featuring Toin? I'd SO watch :)

Blogger Nilbo said...

I love 'Toin ... I'm always amazed when women go into the lingerie store and come out with stuff from Frederick's of Alaska. Shouldn't be allowed. I'm in favour of silk n sexy ... what my wife calls "neck warmers" ...

Blogger Susie said...

nilbo, hee, Fred's of Alaska. I get the "neck warmers" thing; then you don't have to go looking for anything later.

Blogger Andrea said...

I have some sexy lingerie. I wear it when it's appropriate :) But I don't find it particularly comfortable (or warm, in this season) to sleep in, so I do tend to sleep in sweats and t-shirts. Leo doesn't seem to mind(It all comes off anyhow, no matter what it is ;) )

Someday, when the kids are all grown and gone, I'll just turn up the heat and sleep in nothing...both sexy AND comfortable!

Blogger Kat said...

This is hilarious! I want to shop in Toins store just pick up really ugly stuff and listen to her go off about it!

Anonymous Gary said...

I badly needed a smile this evening and you gave me one. Thanks...


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