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Friday, October 21, 2005

Biscuit Friday ~ Devil Dog

As you might have guessed by my absence in blogworld this week, I've been hugely busy. When I have a week like this, I need those nearest and dearest to cooperate with me. Jif and LG have been very supportive. Biscuit has NOT. Sometimes you people comment with things like, "Aw, he's so cute. How can you say he's bad?" I'll tell you how. He almost put me in the nut hut* this week.

Wednesday night, Biscuit had um, gas. Oh, who am I kidding? Is it a day that appears on the calendar? Yea, well, on those days, Biscuit had gas. He farted in our room all night long. I got up yesterday morning early to spend some time, I kid you not, reading the Bible. And to get away from the smell. Problem was, the farther I got away from our bedroom, and away from the source of the odor, the worse the odor became. As I went into the family room, turned on a lamp and sat down with my books, it was overpowering. It had finally happened. I was losing it. I was having olfactory hallucinations. And this is some serious shit, no pun intended. These hallucinations can mean things like psychosis, temporal lobe epilepsy, brain damage! They are a terrible affliction, because the sufferer (that would be me) walks around with the dreaded smell sort of right in their nose all the time! There's no escaping it. It can drive a person MAD!

Then I turned on another light. And saw the dog poop on the floor not three feet from my chair. About eight different locations of it, actually. INSERT BIG SIGH HERE. So I started cleaning it up, and I was overcome with gratitude. For what, you wonder. For hard dog poop. It all has to be cleaned up, and the hard is far preferable to the liquid. It was about a 50/50 gig I had there. Now what kind of day can you expect to have when you start it out giving thanks for hard dog poop?

I let the very bad dog out into the fenced back yard. And he R-U-N-N-O-F-T. Over the fence, VBD, away! When he returned some 20 minutes later, he looked like this:

Actually, I couldn't get him to cooperate well enough to get you a decent shot of him. If you could see up close, you would see that he looked just like THIS RIGHT HERE. For more information, google "the remarkable cocklebur."

*Forgive my use of professional jargon. "Nut hut" is the formal term for a psychiatric treatment facility.

26 heads are better than one . . .

Blogger WILLIAM said...

Thank you for the use of "Nut Hut" as opposed to the offensive "Looney Bin". Or the polictically incorrect "Insane Asylum".

Cleaning up Shit in the morning sucks.

Blogger Susie said...

william, I do try to be sensitive to those kinds of things :)

Blogger Nina said...

Well finding the dog poop had to be a relief of knowing you didn't have olfactory hallucinations.
But starting your day with cleaning up dog poop, I guess I would expect a shitty day.
If you are ever in need of a nut hut, we have a great one here. I could get you in, no problem. I sleep with the medical director. :)


Blogger Squirl said...

I guess you've finally convinced me. He is a very bad dog. Maybe he couldn't help pooping, but when he R-U-N-N-O-F-T, well, that just wasn't called for. Maybe he got all those cockleburs because he couldn't see. Yup, that's just what he told me. He couldn't see. Well, that's what he told me, anyway

Blogger Susie said...

Nina, some days, I could totally be persuaded to come and check into Dr. John's Nut Hut. (That is the name, right?) I'll keep you posted. It's good to have friends in crazy places :)

Squirl, alright, alright. I'll cut him some eyeholes. We've been enjoying watching him bumping into things.

Blogger eclectic said...

Gotta love the smell of napalm... no, scratch that, of dogshit in the morning. Eeeeehhsh! Biscuit, you're not allowed to runnoft after bombing the carpet -- you're supposta runnoft BEFORE, and carpet bomb the vacant lot, instead.

Blogger echrai said...

Wow! It's true, all cute dogs are evil. Yours sounds like mine. To a T. They're two peas in a pod. I frequently refer to her as "Satan in a small furry package." She leaves droppings every time I don't want her to, no matter how well she's been housebroken in the past. (much to my roommates' dismay) Last night was the night of snuffle snurfing at my door because she was convinced she could smell my roommates' cat (who tortures her) by shoving her nose so far under the door that the only way she could breathe were by making loud SNURFing noises. I wouldn't be without her, but sometimes... SOMETIMES... I commiserate with your VB dogness.

Blogger Von Krankipantzen said...

Well, if Biscuit is on a Campaign of Bad then he has my vote. BEAST!

Blogger little sister said...

this explains why I have not owned and will never own a cute dog....any dog, but especially not the cute variety.

hope your day is better now.

thanks for the def of "nut hut."

Blogger Circus Kelli said...

I'm sorry you had to clean up poo first thing in the morning, Susie. That's awful... but you know, poo happens.

my word verification is:
fkyyqsex -- what kind of joint are you runnin here Susie?

Blogger Nina said...

Driving back into town after a vacation, we passed by the hospital. I said well there is the plant. Having grown up in a blue collar area, this term is well known to me. John having grown up here in Colorado in a white collar area, it was a term he wasn’t familiar with. So the name stuck and evolved (lovingly of course) into the nuclear plant.

John sees patients daily at the main hospital, so he travels between the two. So the main hospital is affectionately known as the “Big house.”

Another hospital is being built right now, and when it is done he will have a third hospital to visit every day.

I am going to throw in “Dr. John’s Nut Hut” into the mix. It sounds almost tropical, like sitting on a beach in Mexico drinking pina coladas & mud slides.

The things we do to deal with our professions. :)

Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

VBD having a "Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day." But I don't recall Alexander getting into the cockleburs.

Nice link to dog picture, by the way.

Anonymous Daphne said...


The good news is it sounds like you didn't step in any of it. Phew.

Blogger mrtl said...

That is indeed a very bad dog you have there.


Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

I have to agree with Daphne that it's sooooo good none of the poop is in the treads of your shoes. Or between your bare toes.

Sounds like Biscuit needs a cork.

Blogger SoozieQ said...

Oh jeez! But I hear you...hard poops are something to wish for!

At least Biscuit came back after he runoft, my Dog probably would have kept on running...although if he shit all over my house, I might not want him to come back.

Hope your weekend gets better...it can't get much worse, can it?!?!?

Blogger Dawn said...

yeah, ok he is a VBD. But can I still call him cute? VBCD?

Blogger August95 said...

Being thankful for hard poop. I would say your are still working with a "glass half full attitude" Good for you.

Hope your tomorrow starts off better.

Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

Oooohhh Hermione got burs in her fur like that at my parents place, nasty stuff. I hate when you get them out and then they sick to your own fingers.

Very Bad Biscuit.

Blogger Susie said...

eclectic, I wish he had consulted with you BEFORE.

echrai, you get it. SOMETIMES . . .

kranki, beast, indeed.

lilsis, that's one good thing about a day that starts out, literally, with crap. It tends to get better.

CK, I'm not running any kind of joint right now, because "oops, we be closed." ;)

nina, to quote Willie Nelson (or one of his friends, I don't know), "I've always been crazy, but it's kept me from going insane." Who wouldn't feel better sipping a fruity drink at Dr. John's Nut Hut? I'm THERE, baby.

hoss, I was very pleased with that link, myself. Maybe Biscuit should have his own book, with poop on the floor and cockleburs.

daphne, that was, in fact, the good news that morning.

mrtl, EWWW is exactly right.

bucky, are you offering Biscuit a cork? A flashing cork, perhaps?

soozieq, you made me laugh. I wouldn't have minded terribly that morning if he'd kept on going.

dawn, sometimes, the cuteness is all that keeps him alive.

august, I do try to look on the bright side -- you know, the hard poop side.

JR, yep, they do stick to the fingers. Some had to be cut out. Hermione is a good girl. She would never bur up like that.

Blogger SassyFemme said...

I completely understand teh importance of hard dog poop in the house! The one time Angel Love had an accident, it was not.

Maybe he "runnoft" to escape the smell! LOL

Makes me think of that poster that says, "My name is No-No Bad Dog, what's yours?"

Blogger momo said...

After reading the title, I half expected to see a picture of Biscuit with hand drawn horns, and a pitch fork.

I'm with you on being thankful for hard poop. Those were always much easier to clean up. Atleast they weren't hidden. My puppy used to poop in rather creative places. You would smell it and have to search for it. Sometimes it would quit smelling before it was discovered. I was so thankful when he was finally housebroken.

Blogger judypatooote said...

Just look at those eyes, you can tell Biscuit is Sorry..... Was just checking out a few blog sights before I left for church and ran across your funny story... Been there, done that, even smelled those darn old farts.... You just made my Sunday morning..lol

Blogger Southern Fried Girl said...

I'm sorry but I still just wanna hug him.

Blogger ieatcrayonz said...

Hard poo poo is a gift from God. See, your Bible reading did done ya good.

I don't like bad biscuits either.

Anonymous Sub said...

Weren't cockleburrs the inspiration for Velcro?

Corrie Ten Boom in The Hiding Place wrote to be thankful for in every place. She would say that her sister Betsy would be more spiritual and looked for good. Corrie couldn't understand how to be grateful for a flea and lice-infested concentration camp, but because of the vermin the guards would leave them alone and they were able to conduct Bible studies.

I too am grateful for hard poop. Maybe that could be my picture for my church calendar. The theme is gratitude.


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