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Wednesday, April 13, 2005

I'm Just Sayin'....(#2)


Jif and I have identical cell phones. LG decided I needed this ID sticker to distinguish my phone from Jif's.

About cell phones. Three things.

First. If you come to me for marriage counseling, I want you to turn your cell phones off. Both of you. I mean it. No, it is not OK if I talk with one of you while the other does business on the cell phone. It's not OK with me. (Hmmm. I know we've just met, and I don't want to jump to conclusions. But could it possibly be that there's some correlation between you answering your cell phone during the marital therapy session, and your spouse's complaint that you NEVER LISTEN? Or how about your partner's complaint about not feeling important to you? I don't know, I'm must wondering...) What's that? You're paying me for the hour? That is true. But here's why that doesn't change the fact that you gotta turn it off: If you called me up and said to me, "I would like to pay a significant hourly rate to have you sit there quietly and watch and listen to me talk on my cell phone," I would say to you, "No." Yes, I understand that you may be perfectly willing to spend your money that way. And I am sure you will be able to find a therapist who will take your money in exchange for that service. It ain't me. I am not willing to spend my time that way. Turn. the mofo. OFF.

Second. Don't look at me like that when I look at you like that. When we are in the store, and you come up right beside me and you're talking out loud. How am I supposed to know that you're on one of those invisible cell phones? The kind that's stuck in your ear or implanted in your neck, or wherever the hell it is. If you are beside me, talking to me, my first reaction is to smile at you, then listen very intently to what you're saying, so I can try to catch on to just where in the conversation we are, so I can jump in. Because I'm friendly like that. Then when you don't return my gesture of friendship, my second reaction is to try to discern just which mental disorder I am witnessing; because it is obviously one of those few that is accompanied by delusions or auditory hallucinations. That is, you're apparently hearing voices. And even worse, you're talking back to them. Out loud. I can help you with that. It is only when you continue to look at me like that, that I finally realize, "Oh, it's one of those." But you don't have to be nasty. As I said, I was only trying to A)be friendly or B)begin the necessary paperwork.

Third. In church. No. On Easter Sunday, not once, but twice, my pastor's sermon was interrupted by your phone. You know those little "I wish..." cards we have in the pews? The ones where you can request a visit from the pastor, or request that we sing your favorite hymn? I wrote out a wish on that card, and addressed it to the pastor, and put it in the offering plate. It said, "I wish that the next time someone's cell phone rings during your sermon, you would say, right from the pulpit, "That had BETTER be the Lord calling." Come on. In church? No.

I'm just sayin'...

file under: &I'm Just Sayin'

38 heads are better than one . . .

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love it! The first one is great. The second one, its good. Quite funny. But often talk to myself and then catch myself talking to myself, and then ask myself why the heck am I talking to myself? You'd probably begin the necessary paperwork.
The third one...ROTF! I hope he does it. Maybe people would turn off their cell phones when they arent appropriate.

lawbrat

 
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Oh, now that IS funny! "That had better be the Lord calling!"

Girlie, I'm with you on the cell phone thing.

I love the "ID" on your cell phone. That's great! :)

 
Blogger Susie said...

lawbrat and CK, I must issue a disclaimer here. I'm not sure, but I THINK I heard/saw that "it better be the Lord" line in a TV show or movie. I just can't remember where. But I really did write the note to the pastor expressing my wish that she respond that way. Can you believe some people? On Easter, for bunny's sake!

 
Blogger Greenthumb said...

You truly are a 'Blog Star'...You're even a 'Rock Star' in some circles. The combination eclipses my 'Porn Star' status, and so, I hand over my tiara, sceptor and sash. ;-)

 
Blogger Squirl said...

I agree with you on all these. I want to add one, though.

Ladies - Don't be talking on your cell phone in the stall in the bathroom. Like Susie, I'm friendly and liable to answer you if I don't know you are on your phone. You can talk to your heart's content in your home bathroom. If your friends think it's a brainy idea to hear you pee, then be my guest. But in public, just don't!

 
Anonymous Julie said...

I went to a wedding where someone's cell phone rang. Not only did the jerk answer it ... he held a conversation. If I had been that bride, I would have stepped away from the altar for a b!tch slap break. The Lord surely would have forgiven me (right?), because somebody that rude had it coming!

 
Blogger Andrea said...

OH. MY. GOSH. This is one of my biggest pet peeves, intensified by the fact my husband is one of those people that is constantly on his cell phone. I know he's a real estate agent. I know his clients call him at inconvenient times. But 10 o' freakin' clock in the evening??? JUST. DON'T. ANSWER. IT.

I've asked him several times to go outside when we are in a public place (restaurant usually) and he's talking REALLY. LOUD. SO. EMBARRASSING.

Have I overused the words in caps followed by a period too much? That just tells you how much I HATE. CELL. PHONES.

Are you surprised that I don't own one?

 
Blogger Susie said...

greenie, you're waaaay too good to me. Nice sceptor;)

squirl, you made me laugh so hard, I almost had a brainy idea right here at my desk. Absolutely, no pee-pee talking.

julie, un-freakin'-believable! Bitch-slap break, indeed. I say the wedding party and all the guests should have beaten the crap out of the guy. I mean, I would say that if I weren't such a peace-loving person...

andrea, I'm sure he's a good guy, but I gotta go with you on this one. I HATE it in restaurants, too. I go OUT to get away from such things, to have a BREAK. Jif will turn his off in a restaurant, and certainly in church, but he will answer it at night at home; he's in sales, too. I am nostalgic for the days when they were just for having in your car in case of emergency. Remember that?

 
Blogger Pissy Britches said...

Freakin hilarious! Thanks for the laugh..I needed that this morning!

 
Blogger Squirl said...

Okay, Susie, I'll try to behave myself. I think I'm channeling Bucky while she's out of town. :-)

 
Blogger SierraBella said...

A friend had his cell phone on at his own father's funeral but the bad part was it was ringing and ringing, which he didn't even notice due to a hearing loss!

 
Blogger Susie said...

stephanie, glad to give you a giggle:)

squirl, NO, don't behave yourself. Bucky certainly isn't. I saw that picture!

sierrabella, THAT is awful. Reminds me of when I was at a Mandy Patinkin concert (don't ask), and there was an elderly gent (OK, a GEEZER) in front of us whose hearing aid batteries were dead, and he was beeping like crazy, so loudly that Mandy heard it from the stage, and yelled, "Aunt Kate! Your batteries are dead!"

 
Anonymous LadyBug said...

My mother-in-law is one of those people who holds cell phone conversations, quite loudly, whenever and wherever she happens to be. And when I say quite loudly, what I mean is, the phone is probably not necessary; the other party could probably hear her just fine without it.

Wow. I feel better now. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest, Susie.

 
Blogger marybishop said...

Very funny post Susie.

There's one thing worse than the ubiquitous cell phones and they are the new 2 way radio walkie talkies people use like a cell phone only they're louder and they make some kind of transmission noise on top of it all.

I almost choked on my pizza when in the middle of a busy noisy pizza restaurant I hear: Jeff bring home bread...kawonk...Okay honey, need anything else? kawonk. No, see you...kawonk...

 
Blogger Andrea said...

No, Susie, sorry, I HAVE to ask: Mandy Patinkin concert? We may need an entire blog entry for this one.

 
Anonymous SUB said...

I was in New York this weekend attending the musical Little Women when Fur Elise was playing across the aisle from me. That accompaniment didn't quite go with the tune Jo was singing.
Before every performance an announcement is made to turn those darn things off. I always double check because I'm good girl. I guess some people assume they do not make mistakes.

 
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Andrea, I'll second that... Mandy Patinkin? C'mon Sus, dish.

 
Blogger Susie said...

ladybug, any time, sweetie. You have no idea how much I know what you mean.

mb, I have not encountered those perversions of technology. Geez, something else to piss me off. Your story reminds me of that TV commercial -- darn, I can't even remember what it's for -- but the guy is in a little Asian grocery talking on his no-hands cell phone, to someone who is hiring a contractor to build a deck (I think) and saying, "you are being robbed!" and the grocer and wife beat the crap out of him, mace, stun guns, bat. I LOVE it. Sounds like Jeff needed a kawonk upside the head.

andrea, you always root out my dirty little secrets, don't you? Just wait a bit, you and CK, the Patinkin night might actually make a blog-worthy story. I'll see.

sub, this is another issue. If they're going to leave it on, they could at least make sure the ringtone fits the occasion. Like on Easter, MAYBE I wouldn't have been as pissed if the phone played, "He Arose." Or something...

 
Blogger little sister said...

That was hilarious! Especially the first paragraph - what's with these people who allege to seek professional help but can't turn off the cell phone. Weirdos.

Second paragraph - too hilarious: "B) begin the necessary paperwork." You're cracking me up here at Dewey Screwum & Howe, so I'd better get back to work!

 
Blogger Ern said...

Or how about when someone's cell phone rings during a yoga class? Just when I'm starting to feel peaceful and focused, that annoying tinny ringer drowns out the nice soothing music. Arrgh!

And another pet pieve: DO NOT bring your phone into the bathroom with you while you are in the shower and answer it when I call you. I don't want to talk to you while you are showering! I can leave a message and wait! And certainly don't expect ME to take MY phone into the bathroom. Can't I be unreachable once in a while?

 
Blogger Susie said...

little sister, when I see your name, I hear Mick Jagger singing, "Dance, little sister, dance," but that's just because I'm old. You're commenting at WORK? For shame;)

ern, a cell phone ringing at yoga class is just wrong on so many levels. It should turn into a kickboxing class at that point, if you know'm sayin'. Whatever happened to leaving messages? To not expecting that someone is available ALL the freakin' time? Ern, I have had a medical doctor (gastroenterologist) answer his cell phone during an appointment with me. And talk to a family member about nothing for over 5 minutes. I know you'll never do that. I actually called my insurance company (whom I hate) to let them know that they were being ripped off if he billed them for the full consultation time.

 
Blogger Jomama said...

Hello. I love your blog. I just started reading it yesterday. My favorite posts are the ones about the bad words. They are precious :)

Yoga class and church IMO are the worst places to answer a cell phone, but right next to that is the movie theatre. That drives me crazy when someone not only leaves their ringer on, but has the audacity to hold a conversation in the middle of a movie. It's usually some teenager that thinks he's cool because someone is calling him. Grrr.

Oh yeah, the quote "That had better be the Lord calling," is from Fighting Temptations (w/Beyonce & Cuba Gooding Jr.).

 
Blogger Susie said...

hey, rina bee, welcome! Thanks for letting me know you were here, and THANK YOU for the movie info. I didn't see the movie, but I'm sure I saw that scene in a preview and it cracked me up, so it stuck with me. Now I know the name, so I can rent the movie!
I haven't seen/heard the in-the-theater thing. Geez, it's a wonder there's not more cell-phone-related violence in the world!

 
Blogger laurenbove said...

saw mandy in evita. an excellent che he made.

I hate the cell phone in 2 places: A restaurant on one of my rare nights out and at the gym when I'm trying to work out.

 
Anonymous stringmuse said...

Wow, what a bunch of horror stories. My selfone pet peeve is when somebody calls me and they don't have a good signal (and I KNOW they know it) and they disappear.

So then I'm stuck waiting for them to call back whenever they finally get a signal ... who knows how long ....

Restaurants should have no cell phone sections (the same as their no smoking sections) and maybe some of these Important People will take a hint.

Thanks for your thoughts Susie ... you deserve to be a rock star.

 
Blogger Susie said...

laurenbove, when I get ready to blog about my evening with Mandy Patinkin, I'm gonna need you to defend me and Mandy; there are already those here who would ridicule my musical tastes. I'm in a bad enough mood when I'm trying to work out; a cell phone ringing would put me over the edge.

stringmuse, you are much too clever. "Selfone" is a perfect word. That calling with a weak signal sounds passive-aggressive to me. You should just answer and keep yelling, "Can you hear me now?" I would be in favor of a "No selfone section." I'm only a Rock Star occasionally on my blog, sometimes in my house, and with alarming frequency here in my head;)

 
Blogger dashababy said...

ha! didnt think i would ever be guilty of using the cell in the bathroom but yesterday, i was in a public bathroom stall ready to my business and the phone rang. Yep, i answered and thinking i would be o.k. as it would be a quick conversation with a client,,, then it happened, someone flushed, at which point i said, "that wasnt me!". so embarrassing.
and susie, everytime i see little sisters name,,, i hear dwight yokum.

 
Blogger the niffer said...

OMG I hope your pastor does it. Is he the type to play along? Our priest totally would do it.

Let us know if it works!

 
Blogger Susie said...

dashababy, everyone knows "it wasn't me!" is NEVER true. Nice try, though;) Yea, there is another "little sister" song, I hadn't thought of that one.

niffer my pastor is a woman, and she wrote me a note back that she wished she had thought of something witty to say, so I think if it happens again, she might take my suggestion:) She was quite annoyed, as you can imagine. Two times!!!!

 
Blogger Homestead said...

During the legislative session there is a rule about cell phones... go ahead and let it ring because if it does you are responsible for treats for the next day... .and those are some HUNGRY legislators.

When I am with my sister sometimes I call her just to hear "my" song play as her ringtone.

 
Blogger Nicolette said...

Possibly the best Blog entry ever!

 
Blogger laurenbove said...

Susie...you so clever! Selfone...I'm gonna use it, but give you your props.

 
Blogger Susie said...

homestead, thank you for stopping by. I'm so tickled to have "found" you again. Now how could that legislative thing be applied more broadly -- like if it rings in the restaurant, you buy everyone a round...or if it rings in church, you have to double your offering...

nicolette, I see that you received my check;) You are WAY too nice to me. Welcome, and thank you for letting me know you were here.

laurenbove, I'm not the clever one this time. "Selfone," which is a perfect word, came from my friend, stringmuse.

 
Blogger spoonleg said...

I HATE those ear bud thingies! I'm always like, huh? You talking to ME? And then I realize that no, they're not. HANG IT UP!

 
Blogger Susie said...

spoonie, welcome, so nice to see you here. Ear buds? That's what they're called? You understand me so well -- that's EXACTLY what happens to me. Sometimes I think they talk loud like that and look right at me on purpose. Just so I'll look at them like, "You talking to ME?" Just so they can ridicule me, and say mean things about me to the person at the other end of the ear bud. Mostly I think like that when I forget to take my meds, but still...
Thanks for visiting:)

 
Blogger Von Krankipantzen said...

This post reminded me of the days when I worked on film sets. Quite often, if it became a problem, the director/producer/whomever was cheesed off would impliment a fine of $5 if your walkie talkie or phone ruined a shot. I can't tell you how many times that would happen and it usually was the same person over and over. Often the fine would go up to $50 if it was the producer/higher-up who ruined a shot. Those L.A. producers would always strut around talking on their phones while the camera was rolling. I think they were thinking, "It's my money,-I'll ruin the shot if I want to!" And then your posts about swearing reminded me of films where there were child actors. Film workers are notorious cussers so sometimes we would be fined $1 per swear to be given to the child actor who's ears we'd scorched. Some guys would be passing money to the kids all day. Mostly we had to apologise to the kids if we let something slip. They loved it!

 
Blogger An Adventurer said...

You're three for three for funny stories - great stuff here! I love the ending too. I hope you let us know if he takes you up on your suggestion.

 
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Cell phones are a pain! Perhaps that is why I keep misplacing mine.

 


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