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Thursday, March 16, 2006

It's a Funky and Low-Down Feelin'

This is about the sixth installment in the "Pee-Nut Diaries," so-named because it IS all about the pee, here, and I feel very much like a nut for having started down this passageway. However, I find I'm quite incapable of writing, or even thinking about anything else, particularly today.

This was, by far, the worst day, pain-wise. I am amassing quite a collection of stones. Passed stones. There's a Mick Jagger joke in there somewhere, but I am too drugged to find it. Yes, although I missed Bucky and Jim's "drunken blogging" event last week, I am making up for it with drugged blogging tonight.

The good news: The exploding of the big stone apparently worked because...

The bad news: I have passed over a dozen OVER A DOZEN kidney stones. And I'm just gettin' warmed up!

My husband had this malady years ago. He appeared to be near death, with the pain. I showed him my stone collection today. He was speechless.

"What, is that what yours looked like?"


"How many did you have?"


"ONE? Do you feel appropriately sorry for me? Appropriately in awe of me, now?"

"You are tough. I would be dead."

So, yea, there's that. And there are more to come. Many, many more, I fear. See, I thought the procedure I had was to dissolve the large stone, so that it would pass with grace, with subtlety, insouciance . . . Nah, not so much. What the procedure actually did was to implant a little group of convicts in my kidney, a chain gang of criminal types, in there swinging their little pick axes and "making little ones out of big ones." I am a (renal) penal institution! (Yes, I just gave you a grab bag of one liners. Knock yourselves out!)

It gets harder to look on the bright side, but I keep on trying. Oh, you know how I hate my freakin' pink countertops? I've been wanting stone. I was ready to start shopping the granite showrooms. But why spend all that money, when, turns out, I am a walking quarry! I'll be the only kid on the block with a kidney stone breakfast bar :) Y'all wanna come over for muffins?

I'm still peeing in the strainer cup. And I know I'm a spoiled, middle class American, but I wanted more than one. I have to do this for weeks, so I wanted a cup in each bathroom that I use most often -- powder room and master bath, plus one to keep at work. I don't like walking around with my peecup in hand. My maiden peecup is quite stylish. It is collapsible -- it accordians to full cup size, but squishes to almost flat when not in use. And it has a matching stone box with lid :) The Eurologist gave it to me. So I go to the pharmacy yesterday to try to buy another one or two or three. Struck out completely at the first drugstore. The second drugstore, the one pharmacist tells me they don't carry such things. But another pharmacist beckons me surreptitiously to the side, you know, with the head and eye movement that says, "Pssst! Over here, honey . . . "

So I go over and she says to me, conspiratorially, "Keep this on the down low, but I can tell you how we do it in the ghetto..."

How we do it in the ghetto? Goodlord, I was intrigued . . .

"We pee in a cup, and then we pour it through a kitchen strainer . . . "

*blink* *blink*

"Uhhh . . . OK. Yea, I can do that. Thank you." I'm going to call the Eurologist and see if I can trade a STONES t-shirt for another peecup or two. Three.

I blove you crazy kids. Thanks for checking on me. Some day I'll stop being all pee-brained, but I can't say just when that will be :(

Hey! What's pink and sings? Urethra Franklin!

OK, now I need me some Aretha:

Rock steady baby!
That's what I feel now
Let's call this song exactly what it is

Step n' move your hips
With a feelin' from side to side
Sit yourself down in your car
And take a ride

And while you're movin'
Rock steady
Rock steady baby
Let's call this song exactly what it is
(What it is -what it is - what it is)

It's a funky and low down feelin'
(What it is)
In my hips from left to right
(What it is)
What it is
Is I might be doin'
(What it is)
This funky dance all night
(Let me hear ya gotta feelin' in the air)
(Gotta a feelin' an ain't got a care)
(What fun to take this ride
Rock steady will only slide)

Rock steady........ rock steady baby
Rock steady........ rock steady baby

39 heads are better than one . . .

Blogger Greenthumb said...


Glad you are getting better.

Blogger jar said...

You have my sympathy. I had one years ago.

Blogger Squirl said...

You poor thing. I can't imagine that much pain. I hope the durn things are done soon. Love and hugs, sis.

Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

What it is, what it is
It's a low-down *tink*y feeling...

Blogger Von Krankipantzen said...

Well, despite your continuing collection you have managed to maintain your sense of humour. I just hope it gets better and easier and OVER very soon. Hugs!

Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Your gonna make them into a countertop?! Does this mean no jewelry?? The kids will be SO disappointed...

word verification: kuykppbn

Kuyk (the noise you might make)
pp (what you do)
bn (bean, the little thing in the strainer when you're done)

You know, or not...

Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Wow! What a painful experience! Be glad when is all over!

Anonymous sheryl said...

Holy Mackerel. It hurts just reading about this.

I really hope you are near the end of your stone supply. Your writing about this is extremely funny. (But it hurts to laugh, so I'll grimace instead.) DO you think it's the drugs, enhancing your punnage? Or just the absence of all your other duties?

Anonymous Sharkey said...

I wish I could be half as funny when I'm feeling well as you are when you're in pain.

Sorry there's still a rocky road ahead for you.

Anonymous lawbrat said...

Oh dear Lord. Keep up with the pain meds, and dont wait til they wear off!! Take them at the intervals prescribed. Its easier for them to keep the pain away, instead of it coming back and making it go away again. Geesh! I'm tellin this to a professional woman who probably already knows this!

Every time I pee, I will think of thee.

Love and hugs to you.

Blogger Nina said...

Wow, That is a lot of pain to go through for a new counter top. I hope they will give you more peecups. Take care of you!

Blogger eclectic said...

My word verification is "rcasm" -- I kid you not. It completely derailed my previously planned comment. Here I am, having an rcasm, right on your blog... something I have never done in public before. You'll understand why I can't think of a proper comment now, won't you?

Blogger Jim said...

Oh darlin' - I hope urine good shape in no time. It's painful and icky - poor Susie :(

We will think happy, gay thoughts for you.

Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

All this makes me think of Eddie Murphy in Raw:

"You ever had fire shoot out your d***?"

"You mean there's a burning sensation when you urinate?"

"No. I mean there's flames shooting out my d***!"

What? I can self-censor! I don't have to say no filth flarn filth.

Blogger Jomama said...

That was a pretty well-written, drug-induced post.


Blogger WILLIAM said...

For your Sunday Post.

There are to be twelve stones, one for each of the names of the sons of Israel, each engraved like a seal with the name of one of the twelve tribes.

Exodus 28:21

Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Can you do the whole drum solo from "In a Gadda Da Vida"?

dukwzzp - Duck, whazzzzzzup?

Blogger WILLIAM said...

I got another for you.

Do not bow down before their gods or worship them or follow their practices. You must demolish them and break their sacred stones to pieces. 25 Worship the LORD your God, and his blessing will be on your food and water. I will take away sickness from among you,

Exodus 23:24-25

Blogger Susie said...

greenie, did you even read my damn post? I am whining here, boy! Well, yea, I AM getting better, but that's not what this is about! ;)

jar, thank you, see, sympathy is what I was looking for ;)

squirl, thanks for the hugs, and the comics ;) They help.

bucky, have you considered writing a stone song?

kranki, thank you for coming to see me, even though I SUCK. I have an email draft for you, I will get it done soon. I love you.

ck, KUYK! KUYK!!!! (How did you know?)

ssnick, it can't be over soon enough :(

sheryl, Alas, I think it's the absence of any dignity that has descended here since first I discussed my peeing parts :p

sharkey, rocky road. You get points for that one :)

lawbrat, that is good advice, and I started out trying to go a few hours in between, even after it was "time" for the next pill. I must confess, though, that yesterday I was taking them just a tad early. Today's a bit better, thankfully :) And thanks for the rhyme! Is that how you spell rhyme? Doesn't look right. Anyhow, that is so flattering that I'll be on your mind when you're on the toilet :)

nina, thanks, I'm still trying to get the peecups. And thank you for the pee-nut inspiration ;)

eclectic, damn girl! Are you sure you're not faking? Cause I've read this post over and over, introducing many variables, and I cannot duplicate that result :0

jim, maybe I'll try thinking gay thoughts, too . . . that's about the only thing I haven't tried . . . hey, can you send me another copy of that homosexual agenda? ;)

mrB, now, this, this helps. You have given me something for which to be thankful. Because whatever else I have, I do NOT have that.

JOMAMA!, thank you, honey, and hugs back.

william, OK, first, here am I, being speechless:

OK, now, I think this is just wrong. And I have never laughed at Exodus before. Thank you ;)

bucky, I'm working on it, but it's not quite there yet. I'll do an audio post when I get really good.

Blogger LadyBug said...

Urethra Franklin, huh? That one cracked me right up, Susie.

I hope you're able to shut down your quarry soon, dear. You're still in my thoughts and prayers.

Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

Thank you don't have the fire, or the, uh...other? :)

Blogger Andrea said...

Susie, you're funny enough when you're not drugged, but you are downright dangerous when you are. Urethra Franklin was the best of all.

Blogger Nilbo said...

What you are enduring with humour and grace would cripple most men and cause them to search for a gun. Much the way childbirth would.

When i read what you're going through, I swear to God i could pick up dimes with my butt cheeks, they clench so hard.

Blogger Karen said...

Oh, man! You oughta be able to buy those pee-cups SOMEWHERE. (Your story about the helpful pharmacist cracked me up. MY helpful pharmacists are always very loud and announce things to the whole store.)

I hope you are finished with this awful ordeal soon.

Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Great Nilbo. Thanks for THAT visual...

*scrubs brain*

Blogger hellokittn said...

I'm voting "family jewels." Seriously, if a shiny rock out of an oyster's ass can retail for as much a pearl necklace does... imagine the value of a Fairchild Stones necklace.

The Fairchild Heirloom. NAAAAAWW!

Much blove and e-hugs to you Susie! You're a tough one, I hope this is all behind you soon!

Blogger abcd said...

Your Euro Doc can supply you with
more containers. I hope you have
called them. Keep up with the pain
meds, and taking them an hour early
or so is fine.

I certainly hope this rocky road
doesn't cause you to fall. We would
be discussing broken limbs.


Blogger SassyFemme said...

I'm sorry you're hurting, but oh my gosh, you crack me up! You ARE funny! I believe the saying, "this too shall pass" might be appropriate about now. :)

Blogger eclectic said...

A kitchen strainer??? Eeeeewwwwwww!!! Silly pharmacist... just line a dixie cup with a coffee filter if your doc won't cough up the strainer cups.

I'm so sorry for the discomfort (read: misery) of this experience. Pain meds? Yes, these are your friends. Kidney stones were never meant to be endured with out pain meds and LOTS of 'em. You get no extra points for being in pain, and no extra credit for agony, so drug up and sleep it off until your own little quartz mine is tapped out. I'm looking forward to hearing that this saga is history for you, sis!

Blogger Susie said...

ladybug, I do wanna close the quarry, the sooner the better. Thanks for the thinking and praying, my friend :)

mrB, I am doubly blessed, for I have NEITHER. (I enjoy being a girl ;)

andrea, I pulled that one out of like . . . 4th grade memories ;) But thanks for the r-e-s-p-e-c-t

nilbo, has anyone ever told you, you have a flair for the dramatic? ;) And a video might be helpful, on that dime/cheek thing.

karen, thank you, for those hopes. Wouldn't you really think pharmacies would sell peecups? What kind of world do we live in?

ck, I will forward the video as soon as I receive it. You know you want proof.

chchchchia, I think you're right. My necklace could replace the Hope Diamond in the Smithsonian. Maybe I could trade . . .

nikki, the pain meds and the stairs could cause me to fall. And I must tell you, when I first saw your comment this afternoon, it was an hour early for the meds, but with your say-so, guess what I did? Right this very minute I am med-free and pain-free, thank God. But earlier today was very tough, like yesterday.

sassyfemme, that is very appropriate right now. I'm gonna go Sharpie that on my one and only peecup :)

eclectic, they do the kitchen strainer in the ghetto . . . where the hell do they do the dixie cup and coffee filter? That just sounds messy. It's all messy, though *sigh* I look forward to the last entry in the pee-nut diaries, too :(

Blogger abcd said...

Me thinks you need your Jewish sister to take care of you. Blech
on this stone convenction you are

But look how 'bout I sing you a
bedtime song.

Can you surry
Can you picnic
Can you surry
Can you picnic.

Surry down to a stoned soul picnic
Surry down to a stoned soul picnic
There'll be lots of time and wine
Red yellow honey
Sassafras and moonshine
Stoned Soul.

Surry down to a stoned soul picnic
Surry down to a stoned soul picnic
Rain and sun come in akin
And from the sky
Come the Lord and the lightnin'
Stoned Soul.

There'll be trains of blossoms
There'll be trains of music
There'll be trains of trust
Trains of gold and dust
Sweet trains of thought
Can you surry.

Surry down to a stoned soul picnic
Surry down to a stoned soul picnic
There'll be lots of time and wine
Red yellow honey
Sassafras and moonshine
Stoned soul.

Whoa you are a stoned soul.


Blogger Susie said...

Aw, shoshie, I love that one. Have I told you lately that I'm stone in love with you?

If I could I'd like to be, a great big movie star.
Overnight sensation, drive a big expensive car.
I would buy you everything your little heart desires.
These things I'd do, cause I'm stone in love with you.
(Stone in love with you)

If I were a business man, I'd sit behind a desk.
I'd be so successful, I would scare wall street to death.
I would hold a meeting for the press to let them know.
I did it all, cause I'm stone in love with you.
(Stone in love with you)

I'm just a man, an average man
doing everything the best I can
But if I could, I'd give the world to you...

I'd like to someday be the owner of the first house on the moon.
there would be no neighbors, and no population boom.
You might say that all I do is dream my life away.
I guess it's true, cause I'm stone in love with you.
I guess it's true, cause I'm stone in love with you.
I guess it's true, cause I'm stone in love with you

There you go :)

Blogger eclectic said...

In Dixieland, of course.

Oh, and I could sing you "Stone in Love" (Journey), but somehow I don't think those little buggers are being very loving to you, so I'm not going to encourage them.

Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

You know, William Shatner sold his kidney stone on ebay and made a nice chunk o change.... just saying...

Blogger Susie said...

eclectic, now, see, I shoulda known that, being from Dixie and all. I'm sure you're right.

JR, . . . Denny Crane.

fansps: forgive another of susie's pee stories :0

Blogger abcd said...

gI am with you sister "Shoshie". Checking on the stone saga. Make sure you DO NOT LET THE PAIN get out of control. Pain management=take the Rx every six hours. Or you can tweak it to every 5 hours.

I am not letting your sister Shoshie near this blog right now.

She is wound up like a cheap toy.
I am afraid of what song she may

Hope today is a better day for you

Nikki-Shoshie says Hi.

Blogger Nina said...

Just checking in on my favorite pee-nut. Hope you are feeling better.

Blogger mrtl said...

Oh my. Between childbirth and passing stones, Jif should be worshipping you.

Blogger It's Me, Maven... said...



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