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Friday, August 05, 2005

With a Little Help from My Friends

I think today's SPF assignment is "show us your mental illness," and while I could certainly give y'all a run for your money, I'm thinking that might be bad for business!

I've been feeling droopy and suffering from writer's constipation this week, but some friends have contributed to the cause of keeping this blog operational:

Circus Kelli, known blogworldwide for being HOT, used her considerable automotive skills to Pimp My Ride. This is the world premiere of my pimped out '99 Saturn:



This is the car we bought 7 years ago, just after LG entered the world of "big girl panties." I remember this because we took too long haggling with the salesguy, and she squatted and peed on the showroom floor. I empathized with the impulse, but I refrained. This is also the car that, on one of the back quarter panels, has the word MAMA scratched into it by a 3-year-old's fingernail. I still don't get how that's possible, but it's there, quite visible for all these years. "Now you'll always know it's your car, Mama." Yep. That and the fact that now it's HOT!

Another friend lifted my spirits this week. My little buddy/daughter, LG, shared with me her favorite jokes from our church newsletter, to help me feel less droopy:

A grumpy teacher was teaching her elementary students about whales. Some students asked if a whale could swallow a person, and the teacher said, no, that whales' throats are much too small to swallow a person whole. One little girl raised her hand and told the story of Jonah and the whale.

The teacher, annoyed, repeated that whales cannot swallow humans.

The little girl, said, "Well, when I get to heaven, I'll just have to ask Jonah how that happened to him."

The teacher said mockingly, "What if Jonah didn't go to heaven?"

The little girl said, "Then you can ask him."

***

A kindergarten teacher was watching her students as they drew pictures. One little girl was very engrossed in her artwork, but the teacher didn't recognize the subject matter.

"What are you drawing there?" she asked.

"I'm drawing a picture of God."

"But no one knows what God looks like," said the teacher.

The little girl kept working hard. "They will in a minute."


My writer's block is so firmly established now, that I think it deserves the benefits that all firmly established blocks have -- a neighborhood watch, a back-to-school block party . . . I'll post a sign-up sheet.

And maybe next week I'll post my favorite jokes -- which are profane and/or politically incorrect and/or in highly questionable taste, and will most definitely not be published in the church newsletter.

But for now, how about telling us your favorite "clean" joke, one that I can tell my kid?


UPDATE!
As much as I did not set out to reveal my various mental disorders, sometimes things take on a life of their own. See Nilbo's "city boy and cow" joke in the comments, and my reply. Nobody pimps out a farm animal like Circus Kelli :)


46 heads are better than one . . .

Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

Here is a classic joke that my 3 year old used to tell during his "mama I am going to grow up and be Fozzy Bear" phase. Its an original of his own making.

Ahem,

What did the chicken say when it crossed the road?

La de da de da SPLAT.

Wokka Wokka Wokka

 
Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

Hmm I should perpaps mention he is 13 now and still finds that joke amusing AND we lived on a busy street with a McDonalds next door so I was very very very big on the whole DONT GO IN THE ROAD YOU MIGHT GET HIT BY A CAR!!!

At least I know he listened.

 
Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

Oh and First! Second! Third!

 
Blogger Ern said...

I can't even think of a joke! How blocked is that!? This blockage seems to be going around though. Which is frustrating. Because when I don't have much to say, I want to go see what other people have to say. And they are all blocked too! I did love the first joke, though!

 
Blogger Jomama said...

That first joke was very funny. I couldn't think of a good joke, but I wanted to contribute, so I googled jokes and picked the first one that I thought was funny:

A blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store. When he gets in, he starts swinging his dog around. Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing. The blind man calmly replied, "I'm just lookin' around."

Also when my sister was about 3, she used to tell this joke to everyone she saw:
Sis: Knock Knock
Someone Else: Who's there?
Sis: Ketchup
Someone Else: Ketchup who?
Sis: It's just a joke, you don't have to cry.


Obviously she got this joke mixed up with the "Boo who?" one. She was cute, so she got away with it. Funniest joke ever.

 
Blogger WILLIAM said...

Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'".

All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
"Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."
His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"
"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios."

 
Blogger Nilbo said...

"Knock, knock"
"Who's there?"
"Control freak. Now you say "Control freak who?".

 
Blogger Susie said...

jess, I like it. I played Ms. PacMan on my vaca, so I speak fluent wocka wocka wocka SPLAT.

ern, sorry I couldn't come through for ya, doc. It will pass. Like a freakin' kidney stone.

JOMAMA!, you had me at "swinging his dog around." PWAHAHAHA!

william, uh, yea, I'll send my kid off to Princess Dance Camp with that one today. And then I'll get a phone call . . . ;)

nilbo, that one took me just a second . . . I like it, being somewhat of the kind of freak in question :0

 
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

What does a snail say when he's riding a turtle's back?

Wheeeeeee!

****************

Did you hear about that new pirate movie?

It's rated ARRRRRRRRRR!

**************

Guy hears a knock on the door. Opens the door, there's a damn snail on his porch. Guy picks up the snail and flings it as far as he can.

A month later, there's another knock at the door. Guy opens it and there's the same snail, who says, "What's up with that?"

*****************

Cowboy walks into a new town and sees everybody gathered in the town square, where they're putting a man in a noose. The man is wearing a paper hat, paper vest, and paper chaps.

Cowboy inquired, "What's goin' on here?"

Guy from town says, "We're gonna hang Paper Bag Bob!"

Cowboy says, "Why you call him Paper Bag Bob?"

Guy says "Look at him - paper hat, paper vest, paper chaps..."

Cowboy asks, "Why you hangin' him?"

Guy replies, "For rustling"

******************

Sorry, that's the best I can do. I really just wanna poke my own eyes out right now and then eat dog vomit.

 
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

I have a couple of standard clean jokes:

Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9.

What do you call a cow that just had a baby?
De-calf-inated.

Ha! Nilbo's joke is terrific! I like JR's joke, too. And I LOVE Paper Bag Bob. That's fun to say "Paper Bag Bob" "PaperBagBob" "PaperBagBob"


Knock knock
Who's there
Banana
Banana who?

Knock knock
Who's there
Banana
Banana who?

Knock knock
Who's there
Banana
Banana who?

Knock knock
Who's there
Orange
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say "banana"?

 
Anonymous lawbrat said...

I have no jokes. Those you posted were very cute. I really liked the ...if hes not in heaven....you ask him then. tres funny.

 
Blogger Nilbo said...

Hehehe to show you the fine line between clean and not-so-clean, I had heard Kelli's joke before ... only the set-up was "Why did 6 divorce 7?"

City boy is driving along the road when he sees a farmer in the ditch. The farmer frantically waves the guy over and he sees the farmer is labouring over a cow that is clearly in distress.

"What's wrong?" says city boy.

"My cow," gasps the farmer, out of breath. "Found her ... this morning ... here ... calf ... breetch ... need your help."

City boy looks, and two tiny hooves are sticking out of the cow. He grabs one, the farmer grabs another, the exhausted cow gives one might push as they lean their backs into pulling ... and *POP* ... out comes the calf.

"Wow," says the city boy. "Most amazing thing I've ever seen."

"I don't know how to thank you," says the farmer.

"Well, you could start by telling me how damn fast that calf was going when it hit the cow ..."

 
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Oh, and Susie... I love you.

 
Blogger eclectic said...

Two blondes, talking over tea. One asks, "I wonder which is farther away, Florida or the moon?" The other says, "Duh!! Have you ever SEEN Florida?"

Best I could do on 4 hours sleep. Be kind.

 
Blogger ieatcrayonz said...

The Saturn is one bitchin' machine. You haggled with a Saturn salesperson? I thought they were unhaggleable. LG peeing on the showroom floor - priceless!

****

Q: Why is the sky blue?
A: If it were green, we wouldn't know where to stop mowing.

 
Anonymous Sharkey said...

Knock knock
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrup--MOO!

And here's one that's not too bad, but probably not for LG . . .

Three potatoes are standing on the corner. How do you know which one's the prostitute?
It's the one that says I-da-ho.

 
Blogger Susie said...

Yay! I am actually L-ing, OL. I hardly ever write that, 'cause it's not really true that often, but I have, here! LOL!

bucky, good ones. My favorite is the "What's up" snail. LOL

CK, I love you, too, man, and the orange/banana never gets old around here. Love it.

lawbrat, yea, I know some kids who would say that :)

nilbo, I am sleep deprived, and have been sad and droopy; somehow your joke brings up that Tracy Chapman song, "Fast Car," except it's
You've got a fast cow -- fast enough that we can fly away -- we've got a make a decision -- leave tonight or live and die this way
Lord, I need some serious help. Fast cow.

eclectic, whassup with the no sleep? Me, too. Good blonde joke.

crayoneater, LG will like that one. Now the Saturn thing, best I can tell, you can't haggle about price, but you can haggle about the extras they'll throw in for the stated price. LG was a big help. When she started turning red and grunting, they threw in power door locks just to get us the hell outta there ;)

sharkey, oh sharkey. L.O.L., each time I read them. LOVE THEM!

 
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Oh Sharkey, I LOVE LOVE LOVE the interrupting cow one. It's a favorite at our house, too.

 
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Oh my, Susie. Fast Cow. I feel some photoshopping coming on...

 
Blogger Candace said...

Which is better, an Earth rock or a Moon rock?

A Moon rock, because it's a little meteor.

-------------------

What's large and gray and writes gloomy poetry?

t.s. elephant.

-------------------

What's large and gray and has a fairy godmother?

Cinderelephant.

--------------------

Where do otters come from?

Otter space.

---------------------

What's the difference between a joist and a girder?

Joist wrote Ulysses and Girder wrote Faust.

-----------------------

Why was Cinderella so bad at baseball?

Because she ran away from the ball and her coach was a pumpkin.

----------------------

I can keep going!

 
Blogger dashababy said...

LOL@ Paper bag Bob!!!

Susie, welcome back from your vaca. Maybe youre having that post vaca blues. I too have had "writers constipation" and have been posting old emails from my brother.
I was sad to hear about Sarah. "Life is precious, life is sweet, like the earth beneath my feet"......I forget who sings that one but I was reminded of it when I read your blog about her passing on. The one thing we all have in common is that we are all here today, no one is promised tomorrow. Bless you Susie, we love you and Im so glad youre back!

 
Blogger SierraBella said...

Dang, all my jokes are dirty, so I'll have to save them for another time!

Love the Saturn pic!

 
Blogger _Summer_ said...

IDB, Susie. Glad you're back.


How do you make a handkerchief dance?

Put a little boogie in it.

 
Anonymous Katie-be-bored-at-work said...

A man driving through the woods hit a rabbit. Quickly stopping his car he pours a bottle of liquid over the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up and walks back into the woods waving goodbye all the way. What was in the bottle?

Hare restorer with a permanent wave!

 
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Heh, so much for not revealing my OWN mental disorders, too...

Is it just me, or is anyone else suddenly hungry for Burger King's flame-broiled burgers?

 
Blogger Squirl said...

A guy starts to cross the street. A car comes at him so he dodges to the right. The car comes at him again so he dodges to the left. The car comes at him again so he tucks and rolls off to the side of the road. The car pulls up and the window rolls down. A squirrel sticks its head out and says, "Not as easy as it looks, is it?"

 
Blogger Greenthumb said...

OMG!!! I really am laughing out loud here folks.

Good one Katie bbaw!

I got nuttin' in the joke department...is that because I don't have kids?

AS for the blockage, just let it ride, I'm finally coming to the otherside of my own blockage this week. Don't fight it, but maybe get a little verbage fiber to help loosen things up. READ! it's what's for dinner.

 
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Greenie -- READ! is for dinner? No burgers? Damn...

 
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Psst, hey! Hey everyone! Dang updated!

 
Blogger Homestead said...

What did the zero say to the eight?

Nice belt.



How do you fix a broken gorilla?

With a monkey wrench.



What did the fish say when he hit his head on the concrete?

Dam! (This one makes my husband giggle uncontrollably....)

 
Blogger abcd said...

Thank you for the beautiful message you left on our blog.

Nikki and the "Sisters"

 
Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Listen, if I knew any clean jokes I would sell 'em to my church for their newsletter.

 
Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Oh, well:

What is the name of the guy with no arms and no legs who is pinned up on the wall?

Art.

 
Blogger ieatcrayonz said...

That's one hip charburger ya got there!

 
Blogger Amy said...

My nine year old and I had a great time reading these jokes! Great idea!

I have one that is a little 'older' but not too bad.

Two five year olds were sitting and talking. One said to the other, "I found a CONDOM under the veranda yesterday!"
The other one looked puzzled, and asked,

"What's a veranda?"

 
Blogger Nina said...

I liked the jokes from the church newsletter, and even more so because LG helped you feel less droopy. So here are two clean jokes I can remember when I still had little ones.

Q: What do you call a crate of ducks?
A: A box of quackers!

Q: What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?
A: He stole the show!

That is it, but they are clean. Make sure you get some rest Susie!

 
Blogger momo said...

I heard this one at work the other day. Cute and clean.


How do you know when it's really hot outside?

You hear the trees saying "Here doggie-doggie?"

 
Blogger abcd said...

I showed my children a few minutes
ago what you wrote about Sarah.
We cried, but we also laughed about your very nice car. The
cow that looks like he will be on
the Arby's menu soon.

My son think your car is very
"kewl". He wants to know if you
have "sound enhancers" installed.
Which for him means stereo speakers
in your trunk which are the size
of a mini fridge.

Thank you so much for everything.
Lisabeth
(Hooligans)
1. Samuel 9
2 Benjamin 7
3. Grace (5) My husbands' pick.

 
Blogger dashababy said...

OH oh, I got one:
Celine Dion walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "hey, why the long face?"

Thats it. Get it?

 
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Dashababy - I just about woke the hubby up laughin' at that one!

 
Blogger Susie said...

CK, that is one fine, flamin' bovine.

msifit, you're killin' me, here! "Otter space" is my favorite :)

dashababymama, thank you; you are so right. That's what I'm taking from Sarah, too. Do the most and best we can with every day.

sierrabella, I think I'll invite the other kind of jokes next week (oh, I hope I don't regret that)

summer, glad you DB. I had heard that joke, ironically, in a hospital waiting room, as someone was dying, and people were passing tissues, hankies and the like. It was funny then, and now :)

katiebbaw, you are punny!

CK, now that you mention it, your um, artwork, does raise some serious issues.
I'll have fries with that.

squirl, woohoo, a squirrel joke! I love it!

greenie, you're not off the hook, there are plenty of folk here who have not procreated and are still making with the funny.
READ? For dinner? I done tol' you, TACOS, it's what's for dinner.

CK, DANG!

homestead, HI, nice to see you. Good ones; I tested the dam fish joke, and my husband reacted the same way!

swlf, you know that you are welcome.

hoss, I have seen some very funny clean, if politically incorrect jokes at your place. Don't be a sheet head.

crayoneater, he is tasteful, don't you think? (Or is that tasty?)

amy, *groan* that one is so close to reality -- not that I have condoms under the veranda, or that I even have a veranda (or a condom), but that a kid would recognize the one word but not the other.

nina, thank you, I shared with LG :) Every now and then, insomnia strikes for a few days. I am now officially "struck," hope it ends soon.

momo, so THAT'S what I've been hearing here this past week. It's driving Biscuit nuts.

lisabeth, welcome. You have no idea how much good it does my heart to think of you and the hooligans smiling or laughing at our goofiness here. The hooligans have beautiful names. I know they are being hugged extra tightly these days.
I don't have sound enhancers! I'll have to look into that ;)

dashababymama, Jif and I cracked up at that one.

bucky, what, have you two been bedridden?

 
Anonymous Sub said...

How do you fix a broken tomato.
With tomato paste.

How do you fix a broken toe.
Call the toe truck.

Playing charades a man lined up some naked women.
First one faced front, next back, front, back, front, back, back, back.
What was the answer?
For the couthed: William Tell Overture
uncouthed: Lone Ranger theme
titty, rump, titty, rump, titty, rump, rump, rump.

I remember a little girl once telling me about titties in the sweetest lisp. She was speaking of little cats.

 
Blogger mdog said...

"What is the name of the guy with no arms and no legs who is pinned up on the wall?

Art."

well, don't forget the others...

what do you call a guy with no arms or legs on your porch?

mat[t].


what do you call a guy with no arms or legs in the pool?

bob.

+++

the doctor tells the blonde she's pregnant.

after a tense pause, she asks:
"is it mine?"

 
Blogger Von Krankipantzen said...

The photos of the car and cow were so funny I completely forgot the punchline to my joke. I blame you!

 
Blogger Dawn said...

OMG that cow is hilarious. Does anybody smell hamburgers?

 
Blogger Susie said...

good ones, sub

mdog, "is it mine?" heeheeee

kranki, no, blame Circus Kelli!

blogaholic, Most everyone wants to eat my fast cow.

 


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