Did You Hear the One About . . .
Warning: This post is rated LURB for language unbecoming a respectable blog. Due to profound profanity, political incorrectitude and just general wrongness, the following is for mature audiences . . . I mean, people who, in the real world, pass for adults at least part of the time. If you are likely to be offended by, or simply unlikely to enjoy, the previously stated attributes, please come back another day.
Two jokes I really like:
An egg and a chicken are lying in bed late at night. The egg has a dreamy, contented expression on his face, as he smokes a cigarette. The chicken appears agitated, almost hostile. "Well!" She says, "I guess we answered THAT question!"
Two friends are out walking their dogs in the afternoon sun. They walk several blocks, and become thirsty. Just then one of the friends says, "Hey, let's go in that bar on the corner and have a beer!"
"We can't go in there with the dogs," says the other guy.
"Sure we can, watch this!" says the first guy. He pulls his sunglasses out of his pocket and walks his dog right into the bar.
A few minutes later, the other friend goes over to the bar and looks in the window. There's his friend sitting on a barstool, sunglasses on, enjoying a beer, while his German Shepherd lies contentedly on the floor next to him.
So the other guy decides to join him. He puts on his sunglasses and walks into the bar, dog leading the way.
"Hey! You can't come in here with that dog!" yells the bartender.
"What? He's my seeing eye dog; you have to let us in!"
"Yea, right. A chihuahua is your seeing eye dog?"
"Son of a bitch! They gave me a chihuahua?!"
And my very favorite. This is the first "dirty joke" I ever heard, when I was in about 4th grade. It still makes me laugh.
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court, back in the day before "irreconcilable differences" was considered a good reason to divorce.
The judge says to Mickey, "I am afraid I cannot grant your petition for divorce. I have examined all of the evidence very carefully, I have read your statement, and I can find nothing at all to corroborate your claim that your wife, Minnie, is crazy."
Mickey says, "NO, your honor! I never said she was crazy! I SAID she was FUCKIN' GOOFY!"
I realize I may regret this, but OK, tell us yours. Adult, OK, but not offensive, OK? And I shall be the sole arbiter of what is offensive, and if it makes me want to puke and/or join some sort of protest march in support of some racial/ethnic/cultural/religious minority, then I will delete your ass with extreme prejudice. And I mean that in the nicest possible way :)