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Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Did You Hear the One About . . .

Warning: This post is rated LURB for language unbecoming a respectable blog. Due to profound profanity, political incorrectitude and just general wrongness, the following is for mature audiences . . . I mean, people who, in the real world, pass for adults at least part of the time. If you are likely to be offended by, or simply unlikely to enjoy, the previously stated attributes, please come back another day.

Two jokes I really like:

An egg and a chicken are lying in bed late at night. The egg has a dreamy, contented expression on his face, as he smokes a cigarette. The chicken appears agitated, almost hostile. "Well!" She says, "I guess we answered THAT question!"

Two friends are out walking their dogs in the afternoon sun. They walk several blocks, and become thirsty. Just then one of the friends says, "Hey, let's go in that bar on the corner and have a beer!"

"We can't go in there with the dogs," says the other guy.

"Sure we can, watch this!" says the first guy. He pulls his sunglasses out of his pocket and walks his dog right into the bar.

A few minutes later, the other friend goes over to the bar and looks in the window. There's his friend sitting on a barstool, sunglasses on, enjoying a beer, while his German Shepherd lies contentedly on the floor next to him.

So the other guy decides to join him. He puts on his sunglasses and walks into the bar, dog leading the way.

"Hey! You can't come in here with that dog!" yells the bartender.

"What? He's my seeing eye dog; you have to let us in!"

"Yea, right. A chihuahua is your seeing eye dog?"

"Son of a bitch! They gave me a chihuahua?!"

And my very favorite. This is the first "dirty joke" I ever heard, when I was in about 4th grade. It still makes me laugh.

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court, back in the day before "irreconcilable differences" was considered a good reason to divorce.

The judge says to Mickey, "I am afraid I cannot grant your petition for divorce. I have examined all of the evidence very carefully, I have read your statement, and I can find nothing at all to corroborate your claim that your wife, Minnie, is crazy."

Mickey says, "NO, your honor! I never said she was crazy! I SAID she was FUCKIN' GOOFY!"

I realize I may regret this, but OK, tell us yours. Adult, OK, but not offensive, OK? And I shall be the sole arbiter of what is offensive, and if it makes me want to puke and/or join some sort of protest march in support of some racial/ethnic/cultural/religious minority, then I will delete your ass with extreme prejudice. And I mean that in the nicest possible way :)

41 heads are better than one . . .

Blogger dashababy said...

LOL, I will comment later when I stop laughing.

Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

I have one, and its not racist but it might insult a few truck drivers... I learned it in girlscout camp though so... hmmmm should I or shouldnt I?

Anonymous Sharkey said...

Son of a bitch, they gave me a chihuahua?!?

There's a punch line that will stay in my head. And like all the others, I'll probably forget the joke that it belongs to. Punch lines is all I've got.

Blogger little sister said...

WTF were you doing blogging at 12:00 a.m.?

I love the chihuahua joke and I'm telling to everyone at work today!

hmmmm, I didn't click on what anonymous said, but I think you got a spam comment.

would that be spommit? lol

Blogger WILLIAM said...

I love the first one. Thnaks for the laugh I wish I had some to share.

Blogger SassyFemme said...

LOL! Cute. Liked the chicken and egg one a lot!

Blogger Jeffs place said...

A young Italian pair were to be married. Due to the fact that is was an marriage of 2 poor familys, It was agreed the pair would stay with the brides mother to save money. The two had an arranged marriage and had never met. The groom had a disability loosing part of a foot in an industrial accident. It had remained hidden by his wedding shoes. One the honeymoon eve, The groom went upstairs and the bride paced back and forth nervous for she had remained a virgin. Mamma offered advice to the daughter to calm her. Youa justa relaxa, ittle bea over ina minute. The daughter went upstairs to the bedroom. Seconds later she came bursting out the door and downstairs. "MAMMA, MAMMA, HESA TAKIN OFF HIS SHIRT!!" Old Mama says, "Itsa OK. Justa go onna back uppa stairs." The daughter proceeds with caution back up stairs. Seconds later she bursts out the door and back down stairs shouting "MAMMA, MAMMA, HESA TAKIN OFF HIS BELT!!!. Old Mamma says. "Itsa OK nowa go onna back uppa stairs." The bride filtered back upstairs. The groom settled on the bed removing his shoes to gain access to his pantlegs. The bride seeing his dismembered foot for the first time ran screaming from the room "MAMMA! MAMMA!! HESA GOTTA FOOT AN A HALF!" Old mamma upon hearing this says. "Itsa OK. You justa staya righta here. Ima goin upstairs"...................

Anonymous kalki said...

You know those people who cannot remember a joke to save their lives? Or they remember part of it, and start to tell it, and then are like "Wait, that's not how it goes. Lemme start over." And then after 5 tries they finally make it through, only to mess up the punchline?

Yeah, I'm one of those people. So I'll spare you the jokes. But thanks for yours - they brightened this rainy morning for me.

Blogger dashababy said...

I love that one Jeff. Im terrible at jokes even tho my dad is the king of dirty jokes. I cant remember jokes and will always mess up the punch line but here goes. You reminded me of one I heard along time ago.

An old Italian couple had been married many years. Luigi ask his wife, "Maria, after all these years, wont you please give me a blowjob?" She answers with, "No, you tella somebody". He says, "No, I wont, I promise". She still says "No, you tella somebody". This goes on for awhile until she finally gives in. Little while later, the phone rings, Luigi yells for his wife, "hey, cocksucker, the phones' for you."

Blogger Jeffs place said...

My ex wife was 1/2 Polish and 1/2 Italian, Her family told the funniest Italian and Polish jokes. It is fun to be able to laugh at ourselves sometimes the hardest.

Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

One of my dad's faves, updated slightly:

Two farm boys are walkin' along the road when they come upon a sheep, caught in the fence with its backside presented to them.

Farmboy #1 sighs and says, "I wish that sheep was Lindsay Lohan."

Farmboy #2 says, "Hell, I just wish it was dark!"

Blogger little sister said...

I finally remembered one...heard it about 25 years ago:

Once upon a time in an imaginary land there were a couple who decided to wait until their wedding night to have sex.

So. . .they’re in the fancy bridal suite after the wedding, and the bride goes into the bathroom and closes the door so she can get ready for bed. She takes a quick shower, puts on some nice smelling lotion and perfume (Very Sexy from Victoria’s Secret), puts on a negligee, and then goes to the sink to brush her teeth.

She’s worried. She has a case of halitosis that made the medical books. So she brushes and brushes and gargles and gargles and brushes and gargles and after 30 minutes, she figures that’s as good as it’s going to get.

She leaves the bathroom and sees her husband has been lighting candles all over the suite. Very nice. He tells her to make herself comfortable while he gets ready for bed.

He goes into the bathroom and starts running water in the bathtub. After a quick bath, he then reaches for two bars of soap and a sponge and starts scrubbing away at his feet. He scrubs and scrubs and even uses exfoliating shower gel because, well, he’s got such unimaginable foot odor that he, too, has made the medical books. After about 30 minutes and his feet are bright pink, he figures that has to be good enough.

He leaves the bathroom, and there is his bride lying across the bed, her negligee just barely fastened and exposing almost everything, her beautiful face and body aglow with the romantic candlelight.

The new husband slides onto the bed next to his wife, takes her into his arms, and looks lovingly into her eyes. At the same time they say, “Honey, I’ve got something to tell you.”

He says, “Wait. Don’t tell me – you ate my socks.”

Blogger Nina said...

LOL, well now I will have to remember those. I will have to think if I have any to share.
P.S. Susie, glad you passed your test. :)

Blogger Effie said...

I can't stop laughing!!! I needed a laugh today--thanks!

Blogger SierraBella said...

Here's mine. Delete if you need!

Guy walks into a bar. Bartender say "You sure look happy tonight!"

Guy says "Yeah, last night I was walking by the railroad tracks and saw a woman was tied to those tracks. I untied her, and she was so greatful she came home with me! We made love in the kitchen, living room, just everywhere!"

Barkeep says "Wow- was she beautiful?"

Guy say "I don't rightly know... I never found her head."

Blogger FutureFoodTVStar said...

My 86 yr old grandmother's favorite joke....

What did the fish say when he swam into a brick wall?


Blogger Random and Odd said...


Blogger eclectic said...

Guy out golfing. Hits one into the rough, chases it down only to find a leprechaun holding it. He says, "It's your lucky day. I keep the golfball, and in return will give you your choice: either the best golf game in the world for a year, or the best sex in the world for a year." The guy thinks for a LONG time, but finally chooses the golf. The leprechaun shakes his head in wonder, and grants the wish as he disappears. So for a year, the guy plays amazing golf, winning awards and being featured on talk shows and magazine covers. And the very day the year was up, he's on the course and hits one into the rough again. Goes to find it, and there's the same leprechaun. Same speech, what's your choice? This time the guy thinks for an even LONGER time before choosing the golf again. Leprechaun can't believe it! He says, "Man! You must have the best sex life in the world to turn it down for golf! How often are you getting it?" The guy replies, "Oh, about twice a year." The leprechaun is too stunned to respond. So the guy adds, "Well, it's not bad for a priest in a small parish...".

Anonymous MrsDoF said...

This one was told by a state college roomie, a graduate of years of Catholic schools. Maybe that's why I can remember it.

The liquor storekeeper was just about to be closing shop for the night. A young nun rushes in and says she needs a bottle of whiskey.
"Why, Sister, you took a vow that you would never partake of Liquor!" says the clerk.
"Oh, no!" comes her reply. "It's for the Mother Superior, for medicinal purposes."
So he sells her a bottle of whiskey. She leaves, carrying it in a brown bag.
He finishes his chores, and locks up for the night.
As the storekeeper is walking home, he comes upon the young nun. She is hanging onto a parking meter with one hand, and trailing the brown bag with the other. The smell tells him that the bottle has been opened, and the sight of her says she has definitely been the one doing the drinking.
Indignant, he says, "Sister!! you told me that liquor was for the Mother herself. She needs it for medicinal purposes!"
Bleary eyed, the nun looks at him sideways. "Oh Yes, it icsh for the Motha. Ya see, she's conshtipated. Won't she shit when she sees ME?!"

Blogger marybishop said...


All great jokes and I needed a good laugh today..thanks everyone!

Blogger Annejelynn said...

I'm just like kalki - can't remember how to tell jokes to save my life... start over and again and again. I do have one though...

This guy is seeing a high falootin' psychiatrist in Manhattan, in a nice building on Park Ave, overlooking Central Park. The guy tells the doc he's very concerned that his wife believes she's a piano. After seeing the doc over 4 weeks' time, the doc decides it's time to have the wife get involved. So on their next visit, the doc tells the guy that it's time she be brought in for a consultation. He says to the doc, "No, there's just no way I can get her up here." The doc asks why not? and the guy says, "Do you have any idea how much a piano weighs?"

Blogger Annejelynn said...

that one was purty clean (and geeky)

here's my first dirty joke:

A samurai warrior turned entertainer is performing for some socialites one evening. He release 4 flies into the air and with the swish of his fast, sharp sword, 1-2-3-4, he then reveals each fly has been cut in half. He releases 3 flies, and again, 1-2-3, shows that each fly has been cut in half. At this point, having gone from 4 flies, down to three, his audience is wondering if the last bit was to somehow be more impressive than the first 4 flies... He announces this next release will be the finale...he releases one little fly and with his sword, 1-2-3-4-5-6 swipes. The fly lands on his display table and looks intact. Someone in the audience jumps up and challenges the samurai, questioning what's so great about going from 4 flies, down to one - ?one he couldn't even touch? Calmly the samurai explains that the last fly, although seemingly whole, it shall never have babies.

I had heard a friend of my parents tell this joke at a dinner - I was supposed to be in bed. I told it to a ton of lil' friends, not having a clue what it was about really. I remember when I finally caught the punchline.

Blogger The Lioness said...

Oh the chicken and the egg! I loved it! I knew the Goofy one, yey for me!

[Yey bcs it only works in English, see?][Hmm, much like the egg one]

Blogger mdog said...

a man walks into a psychiatrist's office, wrapped completely in cellophane.

the psychiatrist takes one look at him and says, "clearly i can see [you're] nuts."


okay, so it works better verbally. but still funny.

Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Oh! I got one!

Why is 6 divorcing 7?

Because 7 8 9. :)

Your jokes are WAY better! A chihuahua?! Hee!

Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Those are beauts, Susie. I especially like the egg who came first.

Anonymous lawbrat said...

Susie and everyone else, your going to think I'm a total airhead. I did not understand the chicken/egg joke. I kept thinking...that does not answer 'what came first, the chicken or the egg'.
I couldnt understand why all the ....love the first one...I just didnt get it.
Then, after about the 4th reading trying to figure out what was so great about that joke, I cracked up.

I got it. I'm so proud of myself!!!
Thats why the chicken was agitated...

Oh, and thats exactly why I cant post a joke...

Blogger afdalieuroiuf said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Blogger afdalieuroiuf said...

this one is still my all-time favorite. the best ever.

Blogger Von Krankipantzen said...

Those are three great jokes. I too can never remember jokes to tell them later. So in this case I'll just have to be a taker.

Blogger KGrams said...

I'm with razdreams, that one is the absolute best!!!

OK, here is my lame attempt,,

A man walks up to the bar and orders another drink. While there, he tells the bartender I'll bet you $50 that I can stand at this end of the bar and piss in that cup at the other end. The bartender looks and feels there is no way the man can do it and tells him he's on. The man gets up on the bar and wizzes all over the bar and never hits the cup. The bartender starts laughing and says pay up, you owe me $50. The man pays him and says that's ok, I bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss all over this bar and not only not make you mad, but actually make you laugh about it.

See, I told you it was lame.

Blogger abcd said...

You left your comment as I was
writing. I put up the white flag,
and caved, Princess Grace (Sarah's)
name for her, is staying. I wrote
about it as you must have been writing.

Thank you for everything
Bless everyone in your life.

Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Having once been a bartender and having also had a promiscuous ex-wife, this is one of my favorites:

A man orders a drink at a bar and asks the bartender to put the cost on a tab. After his third drink, he tells the bartender he wants to settle the tab.

MAN: “How much do I owe you?”

BARTENDER: “That will be thirty cents.”

MAN (astounded): “Did you say thirty cents? That’s only ten cents a drink.”

BARTENDER: “Yes, sir. Thirty cents.”

MAN: “That’s amazing. How can you make a profit at only ten cents a drink?”


MAN: “Wow! Are you the owner of this bar?”

BARTENDER: “No, sir. The owner is upstairs with my wife. And what he is doing to her up there, I am doing to him down here.”

Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

OK, thought of another one:

Guy's jogging down the beach, and comes upon a young woman in a wheelchair, cryin' her eyes out. Bein' a gentleman, he stops.

"What's wrong, miss?" he inquires.
"I'm a 30-year-old quadraplegic," she sobs, "and I've never been kissed!"

The guys looks her over, she's not too awful, so he leans down and gives her a peck on the cheek.

"There," he tells her, "now you've been kissed."

He jogs off, feelin' all altruistic and stuff. As he makes his return jog a little while later, there sits the wheelchair girl, cryin' her eyes out once again.

"Well, NOW what's wrong?" the guy asks.

"I'm a 30-year-old quadraplegic," she sobs, "and I've never been fucked!"

The guys looks her over once again, then he reaches down and picks her right up out of her wheelchair.
He wades into the water, throws her as far out as he can, and yells:

"There - now you're fucked!"

Blogger Amy said...

I like mdogs and the egg one the bests.
Bucky - you are so bad it's good.

Blogger Susie said...

dashababymama, and you did! I like it; your joke makes me think of Deadwood (um, the TV show)

JR, well? Let's hear it.

sharkey, THAT is funny; "let me tell you a punchline..."

lilsis, isn't it terrible? Working too late + insomnia = midnight blogging :(
The spommit had to be deleted; they were warned, and spam makes me want to puke.

william, you're welcome. You share plenty of funny anyway :)

sassyfemme, glad to make you laugh :)

jeff, I like it!

kalki, you're adorable.

bucky, I can imagine your dad telling that; and of course I didn't know him. That means I spend way too much time blogging :0

lilsis, . . . eeewwwww

nina, glad you enjoyed :)

effie, yay! That makes me happy :)

sierrabella, in my professional opinion, you ain't right in the head ;)

fftvstar, we like that one around here, too.

kristine, are you laughing or praying? ;)

eclectic, I like it. Makes me want to host a day of religious jokes, they're among my favorites.

mrsDoF, I like that one, very visual!

MB, on behalf of everyone, you're welcome

annejelynn, love it! I like shrink jokes :) Love the samurai/fly; and the thought of lil Annejelynn repeating it.

lioness, yes, I didn't think of that; I guess the second one is slightly more universal . . . hmm. Nice to see you here :)

mdog, yes, still funny

CK, just don't get confused when you're joking with the little clowns -- you know, be careful to tell them the other number joke.

hoss, are you revealing something about yourself here?

lawbrat, I love you. Jif and I agreed that your comment made us laugh most :)

razdreams, thank you, and thanks for the link! As crazy as that sounds, I went back there and I read through the comments. They were very funny that day, it was most enjoyable :)

kranki, take away, my dear.

kgrams, no it's funny! And thank you :)

Lisabeth, I hope that goes well for each and every one of you. Grace sounds like a most delightful person; I know you will miss her something fierce. I hope the days speed by for you. You are a generous sister and friend.

ssnick, an oldy but goody :)

bucky, oh, my!

amy, something for everyone :0 (not really, I'm sure)

Blogger Susie said...

bucky, HA, "bein' a gentleman . . . now, you're fucked!"

Blogger The Lioness said...

[Oh I'm often here but after 30 comments or so commenting feels like harassment, and I never seem to get to you right after you post. Just imagine me smiling contentedly and nodding as I read.]

Blogger zhoen said...

Gynecologist has been in practice a long time, and he's getting burned out, so he takes an auto mechanic course. Really enjoys it, and the final exam is to completely disassemble an engine and put it back together. He gets his grade and it says 150%. So he tells his teacher there must be a mistake. Teacher says.
"No doc, you deserved it. You not only put it all back together properly, the engine is running better than ever. Plus I have never before seen any student do this all through the tailpipe."

Now you have another image whenever you see Dr. Bootie Flies.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am dying laughing at the last one -- I am going to share that with my Gyno, he will crack up, as he tinkers with antique cars, among other, ahem, things. As I am on full bed rest w/twins (29 wk, preterm labour averted for now) this was the most hearty laugh of the day, thanks!

Anonymous Kit said...

Loved the jokes, Susie! My all time favorite:

What do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion?

Well, you usually get an onion with ears; but once in a while, you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes!


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