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Tuesday, July 05, 2005

I'm Just Sayin' . . . (#3)


Yesterday, being Monday, was the famous frtl mrtl's "Motif Monday," wherein all those in favor of doing so write something on the "Monday Motif," which mrtl herself assigns (she's a teacher, they can do that sort of thing). And I did do the assignment yesterday, honestly I did, but I just couldn't bring myself to post it because it was something like "Gettin' Pissy Wit It," or pissy things or things that get you pissed. And yesterday was one of my very favorite days of the year. Now you know that I don't often rant and complain here at WWIT, in fact, I've only done it twice before (or more; I really can't remember). And since yesterday was a day on which Jif, LG and I had been invited to go to Baltimore with Nana, PopPop, 2/3 of Jif's sibs and their spouses, and 5 nieces and nephews dressed in red, white and blue; and since we'd been invited, while there, to dine at the Cheesecake Factory, and then retire to Nana and PopPop's hotel room in the lovely Stouffer's Renaissance Harborplace Hotel, from which we had a bird's eye view of the harbor, which had a barge, which had fireworks . . . what was I saying? Yea, since all that, how could I, in good conscience, complain about anything at all?


I mean, what did I have to be pissed about? That is, I mean, except for the fact that after dining at the aforementioned Cheesecake Factory, my whole party, and by party, I mean FAMILY, and by family I mean my husband of 22 years, all the in-laws present, and 6 children dressed in red, white and blue, what was I saying? Oh, yea, what did I have to complain about, except for the fact that they LEFT ME.


And by "left me," I just mean that while I was in the long-lined ladies' room, they FREAKIN' LEFT ME. And by that I just mean that they departed the restaurant and WENT BACK TO THE HOTEL WITHOUT ME.


But I didn't have that to complain about until very late in the day, so I decided to save my pissy post for Tuesday. This is what it said:


Blake, at the Bob Evans on Route 100. When we are in a hurry, trading off LG (I hand her off to Jif when he gets off from work and I'm on my way in for my evening clients), we have been known to meet and dine at Bob Evans. Down on the farm. Blake is a waiter. Blake is so friendly. He has the biggest, nicest smile. And he says that thing that ALWAYS annoys me when a waitperson says it. Because it's a BIG FAT LIE.

He says, "My name is Blake, and I'm going to take care of you." Take care of me. He's going to take care of me? Does he have any idea how high maintenance I can be? Blake, it's just not true.

Just how do you plan to take care of me? Are you going to take care of me sexually? You're kinda cute, a little young, MY HUSBAND IS RIGHT HERE, BLAKE. And again, I'm high maintenance; your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash.

Or do you mean you're going to take care of me financially? Because I will bring in my little Mary Engelbreit pocket folder full of bills. You are a waiter at Bob Evans, Blake. Have you seen the bills in those pockets? I just don't believe you.

Or do you mean that you will minister to me when I'm feeling poorly? If I have tummy trouble, will you bring me some tea and toast? Yea, OK, but will you bring it to my bed? Will you massage the back of my neck when a migraine is coming? I just don't believe you, Blake. You're not going to take care of me at all, are you Blake? You were just leading me on.

Try this: "My name is Blake, and I will bring you some reasonably priced, average-tasting food, in a timely manner, and I'll be quite pleasant to you while I'm doing it." Blake, you cannot even imagine the kind of tip you would get from me, if you would just TELL THE TRUTH.

UPDATE: Last night at the Cheesecake Factory, GUESS WHAT our waitress, Laura, promised me? She said, "I'm going to take REAL GOOD care of you." Feh! We know how that turned out. They lie.

*******

The girl at the pharmacy cash register in CVS (the story is Jif's). Jif woke up on Saturday morning at 4 a.m. That is like me; that is NOT like him. I woke up shortly after that and came downstairs to check on him. He was in serious pain. His left ear was in serious pain. At 8:30, we called the doctor, who agreed to see him at 10:30. (Yes, we have docs who will see us on Saturday mornings. I give thanks for that, right here in the midst of this rant.)

He has a serious ear infection. Swimmers' ear, and then some. Pain. Unmistakeable left-ear PAIN. He gets a prescription for antibiotic drops. As the teen at the cash register delivers the meds into his hand, she says, as she has no doubt been trained to say, "Your doctor didn't say which ear. Did your doctor tell you which ear to use this in?"

And Jif says she said this to him in such a way as to imply, "Because I cannot give you this medicine to help alleviate your pain and halt the progression of the ever-increasing deafness that you are experiencing, UNLESS YOUR DOCTOR TOLD YOU WHICH EAR to put this medicine in." Jif is good, kind, even-tempered . . . but he was in pain. Still he maintained his composure.

"I KNOW which ear to put it in. It's the left." She was still wary; he didn't say "the DOCTOR SAID . . . "

"It's the one that really hurts," he tells her. He said that ear felt like it was on fire; there must have been enough of that fire that came through in his voice, so that the ear-drop Nazi gave up the goods at that point.

CVS pharmacy cashiers, people KNOW where it hurts on their own bodies. Some of them will even be willing to give you a demonstration of where and how it hurts, if you delay their getting their meds while you ask ridiculous questions. THINK, just a little bit, for just a moment.

*******

Bo Bice, American Idol boy. You seem like a nice enough guy. You do have a pleasant voice and you do OK with a guitar. But I must ask the songwriters of the world to write you some songs, and in the meantime, I must ask you to cease and desist singing songs that have NO BUSINESS being sung by anyone other than the original artists. You are messing with holy pop/rock ground, Bo, and it disturbs me greatly.

The first I noticed this nasty habit of yours was when I heard you sing "Vehicle." I don't know how long you've been doing this, since I only watch American Idol the first few weeks of the competition for its comedic value. But I've heard you singing "Vehicle" recently on your TV appearances. You don't do it better than "The Ides of March" did it. Some things, including, but not limited to, perfect songs and movies, don't need to be redone. They were done right the first time. And anyway, Bo, no one really even uses the word "vehicle" anymore, unless it's followed by the words "safety" or "emissions." Who would watch a show called, "Pimp My Vehicle"? You see what I'm saying?

And it gets worse. You're killing me, Bo. "Drift Away." Dobie Gray. That song is on my short list of best songs, ever. It is darn near sacred. I am all in favor of cover bands paying tribute to great songs and great artists by performing their versions of the work. But not re-recording for profit, and not when some people have never even heard the original and will think it's your song, Bo. That one is not yours. That one is Dobie's to sing (yes, I know a number of others have recorded it as well, but surely your mama taught you that just because the other kids are doing it, doesn't make it right. Would you jump off a bridge if Uncle Kracker told you to?). Gosh, I love that song. Call me an oldies snob, but I want the real deal with my "rhythm and rhyme and harmony." To "help me along, makin' me strong . . . "

"Day after day I'm more confused . . . "

I'm just sayin' . . .

45 heads are better than one . . .

Blogger Squirl said...

They left you at the restaurant and went back to the hotel without you??? That would be something for me to be pissy over. Glad you enjoyed your Independence Day otherwise. :-)

 
Blogger sarahkaplan said...

OMG-I laughed out loud...you are one stupendous writer. I have these visuals going on in my head now....of what I would do if I had been left at the Cheesecake Factory..having stated I was going to the restroom. Because if anybody has ever been to a Cheesecake Factory...well we all know those lines generally are about 500 deep (ok so I bumbed the number up a tad for the drama)

Anyway 2 dang funny...oh and the BE
story....when you are very literal as I am think you might be....those
words coming our of their mouth are stupendous for major digressions....which alas I am prone to.

Now that I have "free-time"...well
I could have my doctorate in digression....now that would be a great resume builder.

Thanks, and I mean a big thanks...
for the great laugh today!!!!

Shalom,
Sarah

 
Blogger Kitty said...

I would pay good money for someone to leave me at the cheesecake factory :).

Shipwrecked in a sea of decadent cheesy sweet goodness.

I shall have to take a cold shower now. That's better than the fantasy I had where my garage looked like an Audi dealership. Thanks Susie - you've ruined it for me :).

So happy you don't have much to piss and moan about :)!!! Loved the stories! I'm going to Bob Evans now to be serviced by Linda - just like every time I have a vacation day and meet my mommy for lunch/brunch. It's funny how in "Generica" we can have parallel experiences :).

 
Blogger WILLIAM said...

What an awesome post and great pics. I am in agreement with the waitstaff speak. They Lie.

 
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Susie, Susie, Susie -- oh, how I've missed you/your voice. :)

I can't believe they just LEFT YOU. Up until that point, though, it sounds like you were having a great time.

Happy Day After Independence Day!

 
Anonymous kalki said...

Which ear?! She actually asked him that? Oh, CVS register girl, here's your sign. (I can't believe I just quoted Jeff Foxworthy. But I am in Redneck Valley after all....)

And they LEFT YOU?! That ain't right...

 
Blogger Nilbo said...

Heeheehee .. *there's* my Susie. What a lovely way to wake up ... my day started with a smile, and that can only be good.

I love the servers who say "If there's anything I can do for you, I'll be just over here ..." at which point I mention how badly my eaves need painting. Oddly, they never show up with a ladder and brush.

"How's everybody today?" Everybody? In the world? Because you know, that might take a while and I think it would vary a bit.

"We have some people waiting in the bar, so if you wouldn't mind settling up ..." I'm sorry, I missed that. Did you just say "Please reduce my tip?"

I have nothing but respect for restaurant servers - if you haven't already become addicted to it, I'd suggest you check out http://waiterrant.blogspot.com/ for beautifully written, hilarious stories from the other side of the swinging doors to the kitchen. But those canned phrases are generally as nasty as the food.

 
Blogger mrtl said...

You've outdone yourself, girlfriend! This one rivals Booty Flies.

 
Anonymous MistressMary said...

Hi Susie, I came here from Vicki's blog. I've just spent a good 30 minutes reading and chuckling. I can't believe your family LEFT you at the restaurant.

And yeah, I'm with you on "Drift Away". There was another contestant on American Idol -- the girl who won,I've already forgotten her name! -- who sang "Piece of My Heart", the song that Janis Joplin put on the charts in 1968. The Idol girl had only ever heard Faith Hill's cover of this song, (a really vanilla version), and didn't even know who Janis Joplin was.

It was just...wrong.

 
Blogger Susie said...

squirl, they did. Can you believe it? Someone thought someone else was waiting for me, and someone else thought someone had met up with me on their way out . . . they all had excuses ;)

thank you, sarah! I'm so glad you enjoyed. And by all means, get that doctorate in digression! Others may do it, but you'll have the *credentials*! BTW, Sarah, mrtl is the master of digression, tangents, and the like. You should visit her. She makes me look succinct and pointed :0

kitty, see, something else to be thankful for, of all the places I could get ditched, I guess that wasn't so bad. I hope Linda takes real good care of you.

william, like rugs. Like crumby rugs that they run those little sweepers over.

CK, I know you wouldn't have left me.

kalki, due to my Hillbillian heritage, you are always welcome to quote Blue Collar comedy tour entertainers here. And thank you -- it ain't right.

nilbo, it's true, they make all sorts of promises, but they never deliver. I do drop in on waiter rant from time to time, and have enjoyed.

mrtl, aren't you up too early? Thank you, and keep us posted on those orange rolos.

mistressmary, welcome! I'm glad you've enjoyed. Yes, exactly, on the Joplin thing. You understand me. Some things, you just don't mess with!

 
Blogger Weetzie said...

great post! what about all the car commercials using those sacred and perfect songs...ruining them for all us who remember them from way back when???

 
Blogger LadyBug said...

What beautiful pics, Susie. What a nice way to spend the holiday.

 
Blogger eclectic said...

Cheesecake? I'm sorry, was there more to the post? I got lost at the cheesecake. Mmmmmm....cheesecake. You were saying?

 
Anonymous lawbrat said...

This was very funny. I really enjoyed reading it.

 
Blogger August95 said...

I love how you put the red fireworks with the line about being left. That would be what the inside of my head would look like lol. I can't believe they left you. Glad to hear your days was a fun one, for the most part.

 
Blogger Nic said...

I gotta say that my favorite song he sang was Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me. Never cared for Vehicle.

Mmmmmmmm, Cheesecake Factory!

It's my birthday Susie Q and I am blessing myself by coming here and absorbing your fabulously friendly aura. So bless me for visiting you today! LOL.

 
Anonymous Julie said...

"Pimp My Vehicle"? YOU are killing me, SusieToo ... in a very good way. Thank you for the laughs on this Monday-on-a-Tuesday!

 
Blogger Ern said...

Wow, you make us think there is going to be no pissiness at all, and then you hit us up with NO LESS THAN 4 rants! I love it!

I wonder how many divorces are caused by long lines at the ladies room? Or at least knock-down, drag-out fights?

THANK YOU for telling me who sang the original version of "Drift Away!" I haven't heard Bo's version. I like Uncle Kracker's version ok, but I have been trying to find out who sang the original version for months, because it is really the best. Even my dad and his buddy, the wizards of classic rock trivia couldn't tell me. I should have just asked you!

 
Blogger Ern said...

Oh yeah, and WHY IS YOUR SITE LOADING SO FREAKING FAST AND MINE IS LOADING SOOOOO SLOOOOWLY? It's not just mine, either, I've noticed a couple other Blogger sites loading slowly. You just must be Blogger's golden girl!

 
Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Hoo hah! Every day should be pissy day. See, you get pissed off and we get the funny descriptions of the piss-offedness. Yes, it would be worth it to us for you to be permanently pissed.

 
Blogger SierraBella said...

Hooray for rant day!

"your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash." Great line!

 
Blogger Jeffs place said...

Well at least yours happened in an original way. A lot of women get lied to all night and then left in the morning. Ususally the same line though "Im gonna take care of you" :o)

 
Blogger Susie said...

weetzie, yea, when I hear that, I always think my old favorites have fallen upon hard times, to resort to that. Bob Seger's "Like a Rock," comes to mind.

ladybug, thanks. It's the first time I ever turned the flash off on my camera and shot through a window. I don't know my camera very well, techno-dunce that I am.

eclectic, do you REALLY eat cheesecake? Cause you don't look like a cheesecake eater. I actually don't eat it, don't like it; I would weigh 400 pounds if I ate cheesecake.

lawbrat, thanks, I'm glad you liked it :)

august95, at first I just couldn't believe it; then when I realized it was true, I was angry for just a moment. That's the good thing about blogging; something I might have been pissed about for a while turned immediately into a blog rant! Yay!

nic, first, happy birthday. Second, I think you've got your oldies mixed up. Don't Let the Sun ... is Elton John. I don't think he ever did Vehicle. I DID think, apparently mistakenly, that Tom Jones did Vehicle; but no, The Ides of March. Unless someone else did Don't Let the Sun, too, but I don't think so.

Julie, you make me smile; glad you enjoyed.

ern, if you go to that Dobie Gray link and wander around, you can play the song in there. If I had heard Uncle Kracker first, I might have liked his version just fine (btw, Dobie Gray sings background on UK's!), but it does not compare to the original.
I hope you didn't jinx me with the blogger thing! I've been getting frustrated with visiting people and commenting, too. Takes too long!

hoss, that is funny; but I don't WANT to be permanently pissed!

Sierrabella, I think mrtl has info on an actual WTF Tuesday, but I'm not into that just now; however, if you want to rant with the pack, that would be the day to do it ;) And you know that check-cashing line is not original. I don't know where that came from; I'm sure it's been 20 years since I first heard it.

jeff, "all night" is another term that usually is not true. Very few people are capable of doing anything "all night," unless it's sleeping. Or unless they work the night shift :)

 
Blogger eclectic said...

Yes, I do. All things in moderation...!

I'll confess I don't have much of a sweet tooth, for which I'm grateful. But cheese, of almost any stripe in almost any form, is my Achiles' heel. Behold, the power of cheese....

 
Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

I cant believe they left you, I would of kick someones butt over that.

I have never had a waitperson say they were going to take care of me, maybe I scare them.

I once had a pharmacy girl tell me my sons antibiotics were to be put into his eye, his EYE. Yes, he had an infection in his eye, no amoxicylin liquid drops were NOT supposed to go there, she actually argued with me about it until I made the older pharmacy tech come over and call my doctor. She never did admit she was wrong. Stupid people.

I have found though if you buy a box of large condoms or a tube of lube or some bizarre combination of items, like a barbie doll and a huge vat of crisco, they tend to ask no questions and just give you your stuff and get you out the door.heh.

I posted some puppy feet pics for you. She is getting so big.40 pounds and growing.

 
Blogger Annejelynn said...

I totally agree - while rolling around the floor laughing my butt off - that certain songs are NOT MEANT TO BE COVERED BY ANYONE, especially the likes of Bo Bice. Big time NO-NO! Not to be fiddled with by the likes of amatuers, wanna-be idols, or any of other artists, period.

 
Blogger Spurious Plum said...

THEY LEFT YOU?!?!? They left our Susie??!?!?

I don't care if they are your family. I've got a pillowcase fulla doorknobs! Lets kick some Independance Day ass!

 
Blogger Susie said...

eclectic, you could do cheese advertisements, with your powerful pic! "I owe this physique to lots and lots of cheese." ;)

JR, Barbie and Crisco, got it. Thank you for the puppyfeets. They are delishus.

annejelynn, thank you for your support in this rant. I mean, in this important matter.

plum, can you believe it? See, THIS is why I like blogging. Here on my blog, I am a VIP, and you beautiful, brilliant, charming visitors would NEVER leave me behind (or leavy MY behind) in the Cheesecake Factory. But in REALWORLD, I was flat-out LEFT.

 
Blogger Dawn said...

oh those fireworks are pretty, but still cant belive they ditched you! i'd be so pissed. what was their response to the whole ditching incident? ok is the cheescake factory a restaurant, or a dessert restaurant.believe it or not we have restaurants here that look like restaurants-wait staff and all-but all they serve is desserts. is is the same type of thing?

 
Blogger Charlotte in Pa said...

I've read this post twice and just stopped laughing long enough to comment. I'm sorry you got left at the Cheesecake Factory - but isn't Baltimore Harbor beautiful? I love the cheesecake... sometimes we get it to go and sneak it into the movies. (unlike eclectic, you can TELL I eat it) Yummy!

 
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Just poppin' in from the wilderness to say THANK YOU for the Ides of March mention. I will have to tell Jim you said that (he loved them "back in the day"). Love the song, love the ORIGINAL.

Personally, I feel like, if you're gonna cover a song that was already a hit, you need to do something totally different to the arrangement. Then I may or may not accept it.

 
Blogger LadyBug said...

Oh, kalki, darlin', you're doin' Redneck Valley a disservice here.

Bill Engvall is "Here's your sign."

Jeff Foxworthy is "You might be a redneck if..."

::shaking head in disbelief::

 
Blogger momo said...

LOL! Soooo sorry you got left, but if they had to leave you anywhere...Cheesecake Heaven is the place!
That CVS girl was just plain dumb as a rock, truly worthy of "Here's your sign!"

Leave it to Ladybug... to be up on her Blue Collar Boys! :P If you hadn't let Kalki know about her blunder, I was going to.

 
Blogger No_Newz said...

Holy hell you are funnier than shit. Your rants, hubby's CVS experience, getting left behind (wtf?!)
Thanks for the belly laughs!
Lois Lane

 
Blogger Bente said...

I must say the fireworks photos mixed in with your "they left me" story was perfect!

 
Blogger WVMan said...

I don`t like it either,but it`s not going to stop.So better that Bo sing them than the advertisers to perverse them to sell us crap.

 
Blogger Susie said...

blogoholic, the Cheesecake Factory is a restaurant, full menu, lotsa variety of food, PLUS desserts including lotsa cheesecakey things. The regular food is pretty good; I'm not a cheesecake eater. OK, here's what happened: There were about 14 of us, who ended up leaving the place in 3 different groups (not including me). The hotel was just across the street, no biggy. Jif and LG left in the second wave, to help wrangle some of the kids, and told those left at the table something like, "We're going up, wait for Susie." Those at the table thought he said, "We're going up ...blahblah...Susie," which they thought was, "we found Susie, or we'll get Susie," or whatever. When the last party got over to the hotel, the first two parties were still waiting at the elevator (the whole city was very crowded, very busy for the holiday), and Jif said, "Where's Susie," to which the 3rd party said, "Duh...." So Jif grabbed LG and immediately headed back across the street to retrieve me, meanwhile my cell phone called his cell phone to say WTF?! And "OH NO YOU DI'INT LEAVE ME HERE!" Blahblah. No harm done.

charlotte, welcome! Yes, the harbor is beautiful. It's especially nice (but crowded) on July 4th.

travelin' Bucky, yes, good point. Two songs come to mind, Elvis's "Can't Help Falling in Love with You," and Bill Withers' "Lean on Me," both were re-recorded by artists that gave them a very different sound, and I'm too much of an oldie to tell you who those people were, but the new Lean on Me had a reggae sound, which I actually liked. And that was a song that I would have said was almost in the same class as "Drift Away." The Uncle Kracker and Bo Bice Drift Aways are not significantly different arrangements or styles; they sound like Dobie Gray wannabees.

Incidentally, ern, and other visitors, Bucky has the most extensive musical knowledge of any blogger I have seen, I regard her as the official blogworld musicologist, so Lean on Her to answer your questions, settle your bets, etc.

ladybug and momo, you've seen one redneck, you've seen 'em all ;) But thank you for keeping us straight here on our rednekkidness.

lois lane, thanks! See the long version reply to blogoholic for "what went down." Jif said to me last night, "You didn't tell them I came right back to get you!" I said, "No I didn't, because that wasn't funny." ;)

bente, you noticed that; I was kinda tickled by how that worked out, too :)

bill, that's true, that would be worse. Welcome, I don't think I've seen you here :)

 
Blogger sarahkaplan said...

Well the truth be told I thought that post was so dang funny. Yes I had to read it again....and comment again!

I always think it could be worse..
could have been a rest stop where you were ditched. And the only food would have been what we call dial-a-death...the machines where you push the buttons you know like
f8-would produce a moldy tuna fish
sandwich....or f6 a bologna sandiwch with about 2 inches of mayo....you get the picture....

so the cheesecake factory-now that's all good in my book.

Have a great day
Sarah

 
Blogger Candace said...

See, I was so much more indignant before I read the longer version of "what went down".

I'm just gonna pretend that I didn't read that so I can say:

OH NO THEY DI'INT LEAVE YOU THERE!

I'd still be pouting about it, quick retrieval or not.

 
Blogger Von Krankipantzen said...

No amount of cheesecake would make it ok to leave without you. No sugar buzz is bad enough.

 
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Aaaaaaah....Bill Withers. *sigh*

I do remember that updated version of Lean on Me; without lookin' it up, I wanna say it was done by Club Nouveau (sp?).

 
Blogger Susie said...

sarah, you're funny. And you're right, I'm counting my blessings, if they're going to abandon me, the C.F. wasn't so bad ;)

misfit, yea, it really wasn't all that bad; but it is more fun to be indignant, I do it whenever possible ;)

kranki, I just KNOW my blogfriends would not have ditched me like that. Thank you for your support ;)

bucky, as I write this, Bo Bice's copycat ass is on the Tonight Show singing "Vehicle." What, he didn't get the freakin' memo?! I think you're right, Club Nouveau. Have I mentioned how much I am envying your vacation?

 
Blogger this.is.damon said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
Blogger this.is.damon said...

Dear Susie,
I know what all those other waiters told you, and girl, I understand. Baby, it's gonna be different this time. I'm here for YOU. I am going to take care of you ... if you just give me the chance! Financially, spiritually, physically, I've got you girl. I'm not like all those other waiters, girl ... I'm different. I know you've been hurt in the past, but I'll be waiting in the wings with a cold drink and an appetizer for whenever you come around.

Love,
Blake

 
Blogger Susie said...

"Blake,", say my name! Waiting in the wings? Bring ME those wings! We'll see, Blake, we'll see ;)

 


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