When I received a report on a Day Surgery patient who has had a knee scope into the recovery room. Pt is a 5 pack a day smoker. With Asthma.(smile) Morbid obesity. (Oh, grin) Migraines. (Uh, huh) Depression/anxiety (cover face, start quietly giggling.) Thankfully, anesthesiologist is saying "I know, I know...." What do I say to him when he is almost ready to go, and putting in his tongue piercings? This 30 something talks about being a kid forever. I smile and wish him a good recovery, and stifle my astonished howls of derision. 'Honey, you ain't makin' it. You are old right now. '

You took a "Christian Bitch" punch in the mouth and handled it unbelievably. You're my heroine.

WWSD? Refer, refer, refer!

What I say:I really liked the post.
What I think:(God I wish I could leave a really cool and thoughtful comment that would not sound so idiotic)

When do I have that gap between what I say and what I think?

ALL THE FREAKIN' TIME

Usually at work, or around my kids, or when I'm talking to my family. It's when I bridge that gap that I get into trouble.

The way my desk faces at work, coworkers can come up to my desk and see behind my computer. Most times, there are dust bunnies back there. Most times, I'm not interested/compelled to clean back there.

Last week, one of the VPs came up to my desk, looked behind my computer and said "Hm. Looks like someone needs to really clean behind their computer."

I kept typing, smiled a smile that didn't reach my eyes and said "I would be more than happy to get the cleaner and paper towels for you if it bothers you that much."

He walked away and hasn't spoken to me since. :)

- - - - - - -

Susie dear, you don't get paid nearly enough.

My friend is a massage therapist, and she has told me about a couple of the creepy people she has dealt with. I don't know how she handles it.

- - - - - - -
William -- I think that quite a lot myself. :)

Robyn -- WWSD?! Hee!

zhoenw does your tongue get sore from biting it?

robyn, you make me feel like I could be on The Contender! In this corner, the CHRISTIAN BITCH!

William, that was such a cool and thoughtful comment;)

mamaramma, most of the time I know. A few times I haven't, but with no terrible consequences, just "oopses." Thank God.

CK, way to get rid of a pesky VP! "All the time," is probably a pretty good plan. Sometimes clients will say, "I want to be able to say ANYTHING I THINK to my spouse (family, friends)." And I say, "PWAAHAAAHAAAHHAAAHAAAHAAA..." which is apparently not very therapeutic...;)

kitty, maybe she didn't have her coffee yet either? :o

oops, trisha, you snuck in there! Thank you! How sweet are you?! I think I need to get off the blog and spend more time in real life, to get me some more stories to put on my blog....AGGHH, vicious circle!

God, I loved the stories. I'm not sure how much I can really put in here about what I think at work. Kitty is definitely not one of these that I mention below but there may be some others here who would recognise in a heartbeat who I was and who I was talking about.

But let me say that I've had mega-Customer Service-type training. So the times I've thought "Dumbass!" while sweetly smiling and showing someone AGAIN how to find something in the somputer that I've shown him/her 50 times before are hard to count.

And I didn't get a chance to comment yesterday but I loved the story. As a coordinationally-challenged person myself, I totally identified. :-)

I love this...I am always going to "think in italics" now! I have started reading your blog first thing every day and it is such a charge! Thank you so much for sharing...

hahahha, that was so funny. I too have fantasized about the dog grooming job at times.
I did hair for many years. Early 1980s a lady called me up and asked me how much I charged for a blowjob and I know she truly meant "blowdry", but it was all I could do to keep it together and tell her "10 dollars".

Sweet Holy Crow, Susie! You should get medals for putting up with this crap.

My favorite is when I've asked patients how much alcohol they consume, and they tell me a negligible amount. Then when they get out of surgery they get the DT's, and their enabler wife sneaks booze into the hospital.

Where do these people come from?

I, too read 'Wifey', and liked that style of sort of internal conversation. Anyway, it is obvious after reading your post that I am absolutely NOT cut out for the type of work you do! I don't know if my filter is that thick! Your responses amazed me!!

This post is the reason I didn't continue on my path to a PhD in Psychology (not Psychaitry--I ain't THAT smart!). I am constitutionally incapable of holding back "advice" when people ask for it. If you're asking me what I think you should do, be prepared to hear my answer! :-)

I do hold back what I really think in social situations, though. It's difficult, but I do it. All the time, especially in my suburban environment. A lot of my neighbors piss me off on a regular basis, but because I have children who play with their children, I hold back. For the sake of the children!!

Oh Holy Moley, hon. Those are heeeelarious. In a v, v sad way. My chasm has come when dealing with my husband. We need counseling v, v badly and he has finally agreed to go b/c he is finally ready to go. But this happened when he was really being a dick and I was confronting him about some lie that I had caught him in, I got this whole thing going on:

Him: The reason why I had contact with her (the "other" woman who is but isn't) is b/c I had just moved out and had to finish cleaning up and she was there with her family repairing the shower in her bathroom.

Me: There is NO EXCUSE or REASON for you to have ANY contact with her after you moved out. I don't give a rats ASS about what you think you had to do. You could have chosen a time you knew that she wouldn't be there since she has another place of her own also. (Don't give me that shit, you stupid muthafucker, you're not ready to let go of her yet and I don't even know if I want to stay in this if you can't drop her like a hot potato and I refuse to put up with your crap any longer.). It's either her or me. You choose. Until then, don't talk to me unless it's about Emily. (our daughter).
-----------------------------
Ok, no there's not a lot of anger there is there? But he's gotten a lot better in the past 3 months and has started to act like a husband to me. It's just the whole trust issue. We had a lot of problems, at 30 he started becoming "best buds" with a co-worker of his (an 18 yo), then started paying more attn to her than me and it got so bad that he was getting out of our bed to talk to her. I kicked him out (he claims he left, which emotionally and mentally he already had) and he moved in with her and lived with her for over a year until I told him I'd had it, there was nothing else to say, we might as well get lawyers. That shook him up big time and he freaked and moved out (is living with his parents right now) and is willing to do whatever to keep this marriage, including having a meeting with the other woman and me and telling her in front of me that there is nothing else between them and that he is choosing me and his marriage. He figured out that I was done farting around and meant it. The thing that's also hard and gives that disconnect is that I am a Christian and he is not.

Ok, so that was just a total dump, wasn't it? Sorry dear. I don't know if I could do your job without speaking my thoughts and calling a spade a spade. I think I would end up being sued by my patients for not being compassionate enough b/c I refused to buy the lies and B/S they tried to sell me. Of course, I realize that not everyone is like that, but the ones that are, I wouldn't put up with it. Bless you for the strength it takes to do your job.

When my mom goes on another rant-fest about the kids she works with as a teacher's aide in an LD (learning disabilities) classroom:

Oh, so he's autistic, huh? And he drives you nuts? maybe that's why he acts the way he does, YOU THINK? How about a little compassion?

Mom, are you burned out? No? Then I seriously think you are in the wrong line of work.

You can't figure out why he has such a hard time spelling...do you think he's dyslexic? Oh, he is? Hmmm...???????

I truly can't figure out sometimes why she stays in this job, except that she's maybe too insecure and afraid she wouldn't find a better one (not that this one pays great or has any benefits, and she never even knows until school starts each year if she's going to even HAVE a job.)

I love the italics idea. I think we should just encorporate that one straight off.

I forgot about Wifey. I remember reading it as a too young lady as well. I also read Erica Jong way too early but...maybe not =)

You've got some funny stories. I can imagine there's more! I worked at what was then called a "mental hospital" as a college kid for extra curricular fortification. Whoa, was I not prepared for that mess!

I'd LOVE to be a therapist but alas, it's all too late for me. =(

Susie, you know me well enough to know that, except in the company of intimates and bloggers, most of my thoughts are of the italicized variation.

I have to bite my lip at work all the time when I have ridiculous phone conversations with haughty bigwigs who couldn't find their ass with both hands and a blowtorch, but somehow the fact that they let their account be compromised because of a lousy password is my fault.

Whew, I feel better now. And if it makes you feel any better, I'll put makeup on one eye and you can try to poke it out.

This is something I do a lot at the nursery. I don't know how many times customers come up to you and ask you for advice on their insect problem or fungus issues.

Customer: (pulls plant sample out of plastic bag) can you tell me what's wrong with this?

Me: Looks like you might have aphids and leaf minors.

customer: No, that can't be it, I sprayed them 4 weeks ago.

me: okay, then..deep breath...you're one of them well, here's an aphid and here are the tell tale marks of the leaf minor. You have to spray more than once, usually every 14 days.

customer: Well, so and so says (quotes well known local tv news garden guru)that you should only do such and such.

me: why the fuck are you wasting my time if you think local nut job knows everything? I'm sure that he also pointed out that you need to treat regularly to control the problem. What product are you using?

customer: Oh, it's such and such, so and so (nut job local know it all) said to use it.

Me: lady, if I had a dime for every one of you that came to me with his recommendation...that product is for control of Fungus, things like black spot and powdery mildew, it won't do anything for insect control.

Customer: No, he said that to use it to do such and such.

Me: Yes, and I work in the industry and deal daily with these issues and I haven't got a rats ass clue about any of this. Perhaps you were watching another episode and have them confused, let me take you over to the products and make sure we get you the correct treatments for your problem.

and so it goes over and over.

wow, talking to those guys might have scared me. I might have gotten in trouble for hanging up on them.

I am so bad at speaking my mind. Part of the problem is that I hardly speak at all. It's also how I grew up. I used to always get into big trouble because of my mouth, so I just decided keep everything inside. Big mistake because now I keep everything bottled up and I bitch to people that will listen (internet :) instead of the people who need to hear it. Maybe I should make an appointment with you.

squirl, I would probably be one of those "dumbasses!" I'm so computer-challenged. Will you do me a big favor? Will you please poke Bucky's eye out, I can't reach it from here... ;0

weetzie, isn't that cool, the italics thing? Really stuck with me. Every day I think, "well, that's it; I got no more stories..." You're welcome to hang out for as long as it lasts....

dashababymama, we wouldn't want that info (about your rates for a "blowjob") to get into the wrong hands! My aunt used to have a hair salon (actually, back in the day, it was a Beauty Shop) in the front of her home. My male cousins would hang out there sometimes to flirt with and torment the patrons. I remember my cousin answering the phone and yelling across the room to his brother, "Hey, Terry, Mabel wants to know if you can DO her tonight!" You've also reminded me of a good story I'm going to see if I can write. You always do that! You are an inspiration;)

Plum, would you believe, I have NO MEDALS? I can't quite grasp why people don't know how important it is to TELL THE TRUTH when undergoing a medical procedure...

robin, it's true, I guess I have gotten quite thick over the years;) Seriously, doing this for so long, I have learned to not take very much personally, and that I am not required to work with everyone who calls me.

misfit, "Dr. Phil" has become a rich man by "telling it like it is," or at least like he thinks it is, so there is a market there. I, too, bite my tongue to shreds when dealing with parents of my daughter's classmates, sometimes. Most recently, I did not say, "Now I see why your kid is such a whiner."

Aw, nic, thank you for the blessing, and I'm sorry you've had to go through all that. I have seen marriages get repaired after such things, so it is do-able, although very difficult. I hope you get a great therapist who won't take any crap. I have a list here by my blog-machine (new term for PC), now, of blogfriends to remember in prayer. You're on it now, girlfriend. I hope amazing things happen for you.

andrea, your mom sounds like a gift to those little folks and their parents:)

laurenbove, I've never worked in a mental hospital; I'll bet you've got stories from there. Now, wait just a minute, Missy, you can't play that "I'm too old card" here. Actually, the more life you've lived, the better therapist you can be. For my good friend's 50th birthday, I gave her a study system for the Medical College Admissions Test. My girl is going to become a psychiatrist by the time she's 60. I am counting on this, because I intend to need serious psychiatric meds right about the time she can prescribe for me...

Bucky, just make sure I don't have the blowtorch when I'm checking out your pretty eye!

greenie, that is EXACTLY what I'm talking about. Ask my opinion so you can tell me it's wrong. But keep asking. It's enough to make you crazy;p

rina bee, I think EVERYONE who can should give themselves the gift of therapy. You make an interesting point about talking on the internet; I wonder if people's blogs sometimes keep them from addressing issues in their real lives, by allowing them to vent in this world... just wonder sometimes.

yea, tink, bitch at somebody else, why don't you? JK, he probably gets the best of your best too, though, right?

Hey Susie,

Need a good laugh today? Go read this.

I live half my life in my internal dialogue and usually refrain from saying what I really think unless I am confident the person really wants to know.

Lots of times people will ask you a question but they do not want a real answer.

Like: How are you today? (say fine or fuggetaboutit)

Was the chicken too salty? (say no)

How was that for you honey? ( say fireworks!)

And the biggest one of all -- Do I look fat in this dress? ( no, it's very flattering even if one can see your appendix scar because it's so damned tight.)

OMG...I am so glad I don't do your job. I would be talking in italics ALL THE TIME.

and it would be MY luck that I would blurt out my italics!!

I think its anonymous. All. The. Time.
Although, during Brennens birthday party, I said exactly what I thought to a neighbor parent. And it was good.

She didnt want her son getting wet with water balloons. They live 2 houses down. What, he cant go change? But, her perfect son wanted to squirt water in my 2 year old nephews face. Hmmm, I dont think so. I told her straight up: If he's getting other kids wet, and he's here doing it, he's free game for the other kids to get him wet.
She didnt like that too well, just gave me a dirty look. He stayed and got wet. There were over 10 kids here, with ater balloons. ALL OF THEM WERE WET. It was warm and sunny. They will dry.

My life as a high school teacher was one huge chasm between what I thought and what I said. There are so many times when I just wanted to laugh at something inappropriate (because come on, it IS funny) or make an inappropriate comment. I was good at biting my tongue, but I admit to laughing ALL THE TIME at things other teachers would have frowned at. When you truly like your students, there's a fine line between relating to them and BEING them.

Susie-I remember that book. I think the only time I really do that is at work. You know, apologising instead of cussing. What I can't belive is that the guy pulled the Christian card. Now that is low.

Oh my gosh. I said anonymous. I meant unanimous. :-)

Well, before I had my son, I taught Middle School children. You can imagine what kind of chasm existed when I was constantly reminding myself that I was shaping young minds. And don't even get me started on the parents!

Those are hilarious. LMFAO @ "Christian Bitch"!

I'm a legal secretary. Thus, the chasm between what I think and what I say is impossible to measure. >:-)

Susie, BTW, I don't deal with all the people from the company like Kitty does. The ones I work with are already in the IT department. They're supposed to be savvy enough to catch this stuff. When I did the kind of work that Kitty does I never felt that way. I always have a problem with arrogant support people.

If you could view the thoughts in my head they would look something like:

" $@&*%$#&((^&^%&$$&^*&(###&* "

for the most part I'm screaming expletives on th inside but giving that blank happy smile on the outside that says "I care..I swear I do".

My poor poor Susie. Getting bullied by freaky deeky's calling her office. Judy Blume conjures up memories of Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing and Super Fudge. Anyone remember Iggy's House? I did helpdesk support a few years ago and a sales rep lost his laptop at my company. It was returned to the head office two days later as it had the address on a note taped to the back saying "please return if found". I held on to it for two weeks and finally "sales rep" calls up IT to report that he lost it. "what was this guy doing for two weeks on company time without his laptop?" I thought to myself as I nixed his login password due to his termination an hour later.

robyn, thank you for that; very cute:)

MB, your comment calls to mind my ongoing efforts to teach LG about honesty, and when it's OK to "lie to be nice."

Kristine, I guess that's why they teach therapists to listen more than to talk; very easy to get in trouble when we open our mouths:)

lawbrat, we knew what you meant:) And you did the right thing; some things just have to be said.

kalki, sounds like you have a gift for teaching. It reminds me of one of the challenges of parenting -- some things LB says are wrong, but SO FUNNY!

kranki, you might be surprised how often people will play the Christian card. Apparently it works sometimes, or they wouldn't do it so often, but it doesn't work with me. To some people, it seems, "Christian" means "doormat," or "willing to work without being paid," or any number of other dysfunctional things:(

redhead mommy, I think middle school teachers are among the bravest people in the world! I used to work in a middle school; the kids were great, and the parents made them (and me!) crazy.

summer, I appreciate the encouragement, but I don't think I have it in me just yet. However, if I ever do, I think I'll have to dedicate it to my blogfriends, who are SO encouraging as I attempt to crank out this crap:) And I know you know about the italicization of thought; "in-laws," that's all I'm sayin' ;)

little sister, maybe I should change my blog identity to Christian Bitch!

squirl, I know you would never dis me for being a techno-dunce! You're not like that SNL "Company Computer Guy." I think I know what you mean -- having to help people who supposedly know more and earn more than you -- gets old sometimes; part of why I now work for myself. Did I say "squirl?" I meant Tom Ford.

kimmyk, your comment reminds me of a Happy Bunny shirt that I would like to get and wear to work someday, to see if anyone notices: "It's cute how you think I'm listening..."

dang cold, are you still saucy from last night? I have never read any of JB's kids' books; to me, she is a writer of sex and domestic desperation! I'll have to check out the kiddie ones with LG:)
drop charges

Geez, this post makes me want to send the link to your blog to my mother. She's about as unchristian as I am - but she was a social worker and MAN would she relate. Would she ever. Her latest is in the custody battle for my niece having to take parenting classes led by a psych grad student. The classes are geared towards single parents, definitely not grandparents.

Anyhow, my italics come with my job.

Caller: I need the title for this address.
Me: Wow, what a nice greeting. And how are you today? Certainly, may I ask your name and who you represent?
Caller: I'm so-and-so and I represent the buyer and frankly I'm disgusted by your company. You should have sent us this report long before now.
Me: I'm fine thank you, and how are you this lovely day? Actually, this report was sent to you two months ago on such and such date by so and so.
Caller: Well, you're obviously lying because I never received it. Fax it to 555-555-5555. *click*
Me: Okay, you fucking psychobitch, I'll send you your report AGAIN since you're so incompetent that you obviously lost it and then felt the need to compound your self-loathing by making baseless claims that I'm a liar. Goodbye? Okay, then.

I'm so glad you can laugh at this stuff and share it with us. As always funny story!
Lois Lane

See my problem would be that most of the time, things that probably should be in italics, arent, they come right out of my mouth. At my old job, saying what you ment was important and if you werent in the mood to put up with anything, you didnt have to. You thought someone was a drunk asshole? You said, hey go away you drunk asshole.

I tend to always speak my mind regardless, its so rare for me to bottle stuff in, even though I should. It happens some times, but not too often.

I am not the right person to ask, Hey do these jeans make me look fat? Cause I will so not they dont, but they sure dont fit you do they?

I know I know, tact can be a good thing, I seem to need more of it.

Any time you deal with the public you have to find 102 different ways to say tactfully, "You're full of shit...get out of my face!"

Maybe we all need the profanity dump: (see my post on Bucky's blog today)
Just press the button, and that evil thing you want to say goes on seven-second delay. ok, I'm on a roll, but I lost it on a somemone cause they were being far too "gimme gimmee" without wanting to do the "pay extra for extra request" exchange today.

I've always wanted to ask this question to a therapist-but i dont know any so here it goes-honestly-How sick do you get from listenting to peoples shit all day long? Do you ever feel like telling people to stop whining? I have no idea how therapists do that all day everyday.How emotionally straining on you? How do you not take it home with you at night? Anyway, your blog rocks, and i'll be back to visit often. blog on......

uhoh, my reply to y'all got lost!

echrai, I feel your pain. At least I can choose to nicely let the jerks know that I don't want to talk to them; only because I'm my own boss. Big props to your mom for doing a very hard, but sounds like, very necessary job there.

Lois Lane, laughter is the best medicine; better than Prozac, Xanax, etc.; sometimes to be prescribed in combination with such things, but still, the best...

JR, I can imagine that "Go away you drunk asshole," would be a very useful sentence. On the other hand, say, "The jeans don't make you look fat, your ass does," see that would not be quite as useful. We must get these finer points down!

nicolette, you are so right. I especially like to say, "You have a point..." and to think, too bad it's on the top of your head.

whfropera, I haven't been able to get in there yet, it's just blank to me, but I'll keep trying...

me, thank you for the kind words. I guess I have a pretty high tolerance for whining...for a time...but mostly my clients aren't serious whiners, they're really people who want to actually change something in themselves or their lives. And you're right, therapists have to be careful not to cart crap home with them. Comes with experience, and having a healthy life outside of work, and BLOGGING!

Ha, Susie, you outed me as Tom Ford but no one caught it. tee hee

Great post - I loved reading the 'inner Susie'!

I edit myself so much that sometimes it's hard to tell what the 'real me' would really say or think.

That's a scary thought. Hmm....

hey. just found your page via summers... have to say i love it. and this was the funniest thing I have read in ages. you poor soul! I think I may post somthing similer about crazy people at the health food store I worked at. Sure, not as entertaining, but people who shop at health food stores twide a day often need some sort of help.

where did you get "LURB" ? is that your own wit at hand, you witty woman you, or did ya get that from somewhere?

ritapita, I would imagine there are a lot of crazies at the health food store. I've seen my clients in there many times -- and they've seen me;) Thanks for visiting me:)

annejelynn, LURB is all mine; I kinda like it, don't you? It can also be used as a term of affection, as in "I LURB you, Annejelynn":)

I'm probably one of the most sarcastic people I know ... so the voices in my head usually have some very interesting things to say. You handled yourself well, because most times I can't make myself say anything at all when the voices of sarcasm persist. I grimace, almost to the point of breaking my teeth and say "uh huh", "cool", "I see", or "I have to go".