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Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Girlfriends

There are some things, lovingly snarky things, that only best girlfriends can say to each other. I have a very dear friend whom I’m going to call Lulu, because she would hate that a lot. Lulu and I have been friends for (I just did the math and gasped) 30 years. Being so very much older than I, Lulu has gone before me in life, doing many things ahead of me, like marrying, having a baby . . . and lately, we talk a lot about the changes she's going through due to aging. Lulu needs old-lady reading glasses now. She colors her hair, she has some wrinkles, and if she works or plays too hard, she suffers from pain in her joints and her muscles. Some of her uh, lady parts have chosen to relocate. Mostly they seem to want to head south, like Jersey retirees. The old gal just ain’t what she used to be. Good friend that I am, I listen to her describe these changes, and then I laugh at her, because she’s so much older than I am – almost a whole month!

A while back, she and I went outlet shopping. A beautiful sweater seductively called out, “Lulu, Lulu.” It was pale blue, cashmere, very nice. She takes it into the fitting room while I wait patiently outside, holding all the very heavy bags. I could do this because I’m so much younger than she.

“Susie, come in here and look at this. It doesn’t look right, does it?”

It didn’t. But I knew she loved it, and I love her, so I said, “Well . . . you know what, darlin’? I think it’ll be perfect, you just need a bra with it. I mean, you know, at our age, no sweater looks great without a bra . . .

Lulu is inhaling, taking a very deep breath, which she holds for a moment while she looks me in the eye. And then she says to me, through clenched teeth, “Susie?”

“Yea?”

“I’m WEARING a bra!”

Time stands still for a moment. I seek refuge in my faith: ohdearGod, please help me . . .

And I say very gently, “Umm . . . PWAHAHAHA! . . . . oh, honey . . . umm . . . OK, I got nothin’!” And I continue to laugh my face off, doubled over, being heinous.

Lulu recovers. “YOU KNOW WHAT? Your hair is SO GRAY!!!!”

I am still heinously doubled over and laughing, “Yeaaaa, maybe so, but at least I can fix that without general anesthesia!”

I love you, darlin’.

13 heads are better than one . . .

Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Oh, SNAP! You are soooo never gonna see a picture with my boobs in it! LMFAO

 
Blogger Susie said...

Aw come on, Bucky! You PROMISED. I'll be nice.

 
Blogger Greenthumb said...

One of my best friends of not so many years, is old enough to be my mom, in fact her nickname is my WestSide Mom. She's from York, England and just salt of the earth. (I miss her a lot, she's my garden buddy.) Anywho, that story just made me think of her, because she would of said the exact same thing. Good one Susie. LMFAO!

 
Blogger Ern said...

That's hilarious! I would have LOL, but my brother-in-law is asleep on the living room floor. So I just snorted once. :)

 
Blogger Ern said...

BTW, I just read your last post, and two of my best friends have been married for 5 years and are expecting their first child. She sang to him at their wedding. I REALLY hope your theory is wrong! (Singing doesn't give her much pause, though, because she sings in church on a regular basis. Actually she sang at our wedding. Neither my husband or I are gifted with song.)

 
Blogger Mamaramma said...

Nice. Reminds me of the time I asked my 12 year old niece if she had chocolate or something on her face, and she replied, "It's a cold sore!" except there was no jovial banter afterwards.

 
Blogger Susie said...

greenie, I'm flattered to remind you of someone so special. At first I thought, hmmm, am I old enough to be greenie's mom, but no, older sister or cool babysitter, maybe.

ern, glad you stopped by! I hope my theory is wrong, too. Probably my anecdotes are the exceptions rather than the rule.

mamaramma, Ouch. For both you and your niece. That reminds me of the time a lady who sat next to me in church every week asked me if I was pregnant (which NO ONE should ever ask anyone, unless you're about to administer a dangerous drug to them!), and I told her, "nope, just fat." I really wasn't offended to that point, but then she stares at my belly and says, "Are you sure? I think I see a pooch there..." Geez, Louise! At least you didn't insist your niece had been eating chocolate!

 
Blogger Dang Cold.. said...

LMAO...

On Christmas we were having dinner at my in-laws and it was with all the stuffing, wine and fixin's. I had my 7 mth old niece in my lap and my wife tells me to try giving her a tiny piece of turkey. Without thinking I blurt out "um no its a bit dry and she might choke". Too much wine I guess. I'm still sucking up to her mother for forgiveness :)

 
Blogger Greenthumb said...

LOL!!! Definitely Big Sister league there Susie. I'll be 37 this month.

 
Blogger Susie said...

Dang, way to charm the in-laws there, buddy. In-law faux pas are the worst (best).

greenie, happy soon-birthday. Tell us when, and we'll have a party in the big sandbox that is dooce.com, if she lets us back in. I'll bring the mousse. Someone else will probably bring a moose . . .

 
Blogger Amanda B. said...

Oh man. Ouch!

My best friend from Jr. College still calls me a slut. I hate that bitch so much. ;)

 
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Once gravity took over, I felt true envy for the A and B cup girls who shall never see their nipples point due south.

 
Blogger Susie said...

hi, amanda b! nice to see you here. I love girlfriend meanness.

Bucky, you and my pastor said the same thing today! (Bet you don't hear that too often!) Seriously, she was talking about envying the well-endowed in h.s., then going to the reunions and seeing their breasts hanging to their knees, and not envying them anymore. You're both right. B's might go south, but they'll never go knee-south! (Males and 20-somethings reading this now have bleeding eyeballs.)

 


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