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Monday, February 26, 2007

Message to the Red Carpet: Do as I Say, Not as I Do

What is UP with all the long, straight hair? It's pretty, but this is the OSCARS. A little glamour, please?

Oh, no. Nicole Kidman's dress is RIDICULOUS. The thing is wearing her, I swear. That bow looks like a little barf bucket on her shoulder.

Here's another one! Did they send out some freakin' "long straight hair" memo? Even the black women have long, straight hair!

Oh, Kate, Kate, Kate. Who let you wear that color? The style is beautiful, but you are so washed OUT in that! And your hair! Who let your hair wear that color?!

Jennifer Hudson, no you are NOT going to wear that suit of armor to the Oscars. The brown dress is fine, but lordhavemercy, take off the silver wings, girl! No, it's not wings, it's one of those freakin' neck cups they put on dogs after they have surgery, to keep them from biting at themselves. Are you at risk of BITING YOURSELF?! CHEEZ!

Ellen's makeup is really nice.

Thankthelord, Jennifer heard me and took off the silver armadillo-wear. What were you thinking?!

What sort of snarky, catty person would offer such commentary? That would be me. And by what authority do I say such things? What qualifies me as stylist, critic, fashion editor? Perhaps it's the fact that on Sunday evening, I'm wearing the same ensemble that I've had on since Friday night: mint green terry-cloth drawstring pajama pants and a moss green cotton shirt with snaps at the neckline. Not snapped, but there, just the same. And yes, it's been a good 48 hours since my body has graced a shower stall. On my feet are black fuzzy slippers with little ribbons on them. And because I cannot get warm, and I do not know which hamper my warm black robe with the leopard print collar is in, my whole ensemble is topped by my big-ass pimp coat. Yea, a pimp coat (i.e., tan faux shearling, ankle-length outerwear) in the house. Or perhaps it is the fact that I smell. Myself. Or perhaps it's my unique approach to accessorizing: at least once during the preceding 48 hours, I have eaten Cool Ranch Dorito crumbs plucked directly from my cleavage. I'm writing this during the boring parts of the awards. By the time you read this I will have showered and put on fresh jammies. Or will I . . .

32 heads are better than one . . .

Blogger Kentucky Brat said...

ties for first in my book...
Penélope Cruz
Reese Witherspoon
Jodie Foster

WTF? was Meryl Streep thinking?

**I know where my robe is... its on me.. as usual! LOL**

Blogger dashababy said...

Ha! At least you have cleavage with which to store your chips in. And what was Cameron Diaz thinking? "Let's make it look like I have no boob at all." I tivoed thru the boring parts.
And you can always count on Meryl to wear the fugliest necklace ever but who cares, I love her.

Blogger Lynn said...

Susie, you make me laugh. I love it when you do that. I didn't watch, but I'm so glad I didn't miss your commentary! (I also wear an ankle length coat in the house. I've had that thing for 20 years! I can't stand to be cold.)

Love you, Susie!!

Blogger WILLIAM said...

I guess Jif Does not like Cool Ranch Doritos

Blogger Susie said...

kybrat, Reese was the first to get the hair memo! She's beautiful, but the Sonny and Cher hair just ain't right for the Oscars! Jodie Foster was one of my favorite looks, too. And Meryl . . . she's Meryl. I just love her.

dashababymama, they were small crumbs, believe me ;) Cameron Diaz! She was also thinking, "Let's make me look like I'm ugly," with that makeup! (This is fun; I never do this!) And I'm with you on loving Meryl. She's so beautiful and so brilliant, she really is exempt from critique :)

lynn, this is the first year (and the first coat) that I've ever done that with. But the coat is so soft and so warm . . .
Glad I made you laugh :)

william, you are an astute observer! I'm not sure, but Jif may, like yourself, have an aversion to the sharp pointy Doritos. I did notice that yesterday when he went out to purchase snow emergency rations, he came back with an unlisted bag of Tostitos Crispy Rounds. Coincidence?

Blogger Effie said...

what was the name of the lady who played the queen again? She looked FAB! Only saw a few minutes of it but I liked her and Will Smith's son--he was adorable!

question: have you showered now? In warm fuzzy pj's? Feelin' cozy and clean?


With the Cap'n away taking some sort of captaining course, it takes me well into the afternoon on the weekends to shower. And I really don't mind. Or care.

Susie, thank you for your vigilance! Thus was I spared the cornea-shriveling sight of Jennifer's silver Elizabethan collar. Goodness, last night's Oscars was about the most boring, BORING, thing I've ever watched. That's 4 hours of my life I'll never get back...*sniff*. And my hero Sacha didn't win for best screenplay adaptation...bummer. I only hung in there to see Marty finally get his Oscar. Bonus points: Al Gore's win.

effie, it was Helen Mirren.

Anonymous Jeannie said...

Re hair:
Cameron Diaz needed a brush.

Playing hooky today. PJ ensamble- Old Navy men's navy blue pj bottoms with Old Navy top. Light grey bodice/dark grey sleevs dotted with toast crumbs.

Blogger Susie said...

effie, Yes, as htgt says, that's Helen Mirren. And she was gorgeous, I agree. Will Smith's son is unbearably beautiful.
I am now shiny and clean, smell OK, and to my knowledge, have no snacks on my person :)

htgt, I know; there weren't any amazing moments, were there? Maybe we've come to expect too much. I dunno. I do like to see the pretty dresses, though.

jeannie, see, you are a woman who knows how to accessorize a casual at-home outfit: gotta have some snacks on ya ;)

Blogger Karen said...

Reese Witherspoon needs some curls! Something about that straight hair made her chin look long and pointy. Oh... Her chin IS long and pointy. But still, you don't notice it as much when she has a pretty hairstyle.

Oh and kudos to Jennifer Hudson for making full-figured look GOOOOD. (She's quite tall. We should all be so lucky.) Though I was kind of afraid during the energetic singing numbers that her top half was going to pop right out of that dress.


Susie, you make a great point about expecting too much...good reminder. I like to see the pretty clothes, too. And the joolree! Sparkly. Didn't like Cameron's dress. At. All. Some web site blasted Gwyneth Paltrow's dress, but I rather liked it.

karen! I was waiting for that dreadful moment with Jennifer, too! I was watching her girls bounce around (particularly the left one - way too much mobility) and thinking, "As much as I'd love to see a spontaneous moment of any kind - such as the late great Jack Palance dropping to the floor to do one-armed push-ups or a Sacha Baron Cohen acceptance speech - I don't want this lovely young woman's big night ruined." It was a suspense-filled few minutes...

Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Damn, I'd have watched if I'd known Jennifer Hudson was going to jiggle to the edge of her outfit. Now I'll be haunting YouTube.

Blogger Circus Kelli said...

You mean there is a reason to watch those shows beyond critiquing all the dresses and hairstyles?

*wishes I was home in my jammies right about now*

Blogger little sister said...

Your post reminds me that every year after I think, "Gee, I missed the Oscars," I then immediately think, "but they're no fun until the critics diss the outfits anyway."

thanks for making the Oscars fun even when I missed it :)

Blogger MrsDoF said...

I watched the star landings on the red carpet and Ellen's beginning, then for the middle half of the Awards show, I went over to Masterpiece Theatre to watch Helen Mirren in Prime Supect, then came back and watched through to the end.

I was quite concerned about the red dress having a wardrobe malfunction, but I tell ya, the girl can sing!

I'm so with ya on the long straight hair being non-glamour.
Melissa E had the best style going. Bucky shoulda been there.

I've been looking all over the 'Net for a replay of Forest W's acceptance speech. I haven't seen one done with such humility since the guy from Gladiator.

Anonymous sheryl said...

hee hee!

You could not pay me enough to watch the oscars...

However, I would pay good money to watch you comment, and eat Doritos from your cleavage.

Anonymous sheryl said...


oh, and I would watch *you* eat Doritos from your cleavage, too.


Blogger Arlene said...

I stayed in my jammies from the time I got home from SF on Sat until last night when we ran out to dinner, and then right back into them!! I'd be in them today if I thought I could get away with it at work!!

Blogger Susie said...

karen, yea, Reese was the one that got me started. I like long, straight hair, in general, but not for that occasion. I've heard other "real" critics raving about the long, straight hair, though.
Jennifer did look great, after she lost the metal jacket. And I shared your concern about a wardrobe malfunction in that red dress!

htgt, I liked Gwyneth, too. And I liked Anne Hathaway, and Kate Blanchett. I was worried about the same, my eye was glued to Jennifer's breast on my left, her right. I really did fear escape, and while it would have livened things up, like you, I really didn't want her win to be overshadowed by a wardrobe malfunction.

bucky, yep, she was gettin' jiggly wit it.

ck, no, there isn't. :)

lilsis, you're welcome :)

mrsDoF, Melissa E did look wonderful. I was reminded of a couple of years ago when she was bald. So happy for her good health. FW was very classy. I haven't seen his movie (or many of them, actually).

she, well, if I do say so myself, I was more entertaining than the show ;)
Heee, you know I can't work much these days, and a girl's gotta make a living . . . just what do you mean by "big money"? ;)

arlene, my kid's school has "pajama day." Work should have that, too :)

Blogger Nina said...

Well I noticed all the long, straight hair too! I told John that I found it refreshing and said I guess I am in style for once. I put electric curlers in my hair for our event and they lasted for the car ride and the hair went back straight. If I cut it short it looks like a football helmet.
I watched the last half in a towel being that I had taken a bath during the middle part. Let's just say that got Dr. John's attention.

Blogger Von Krankipantzen said...

I truly believe you are even more within your right to critique fancy clothes and hair-do's when you are smelly and wearing weird-ass outfits. In that state you are far more objective because you are not in direct competition with the fancy ladies and your judgement remains pure.

As for the whole Oscar experience? My mom said it best in the subject line of an email; Ho hum, sore bum.

Blogger Susie said...

nina, you are always in style, and have much better fashion sense than those people. See, you were going to a formal affair, so you did a little curl. That's all I'm asking ;) And I am quite sure you looked better in your towel than most of them looked in their couture :)

kranki, you cracked me up. Yes, you are so right; for ONCE, I was not in direct competition with THEM. haaaaaaaaaaa :D
Your mom is funny, too.

Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Writing during the Oscars gives you four hours of freedom from watching television. Not only were the dresses gross....

Blogger Squirl said...

I kinda forgot the Oscars were on. We were watching the DVD of The Prestige. Then when I turned off the movie I realized that the cable was out. I chuckled and said it's a good thing I wasn't planning to watch the Oscars. Thanks for giving me the lowdown on it.

My word ver: bdgaz - that's what I get when I eat spicy food.

Anonymous Ortizzle said...

One more for the snarky, catty category: Why did Penelope Cruz, who had such a beautifully cut dress, choose something the same color of her skin?! :-)

Blogger Susie said...

oh, and nina, I'm not SURE, but I would guess that your long straight hair does not involve weaves, extensions, and whatnot. Which again, sets you apart from that crowd.

hoss, if I had written for 4 hours instead of watching, opining and eating . . . it could go either way...

squirl, we watch it for the dresses and to see what movies we would like to rent. Looks like there are some good ones. The only Best Picture nominee I've seen is Little Miss Sunshine, and I loved it.

ortizzle, I wasn't gonna say anything, but . . . I would've like to have seen more color in that one, too.

Blogger Nina said...

LOL, You are right it does not involve weaves, extensions, and whatnot.

I would never go to that much trouble. :) It just is what it is.
I put gel and hairspray in it to keep the curl for the event . . . which didn't seem to help much.

When Shawna was 12 she wanted curly hair so bad. So for her birthday her grandma paid for her to have a perm. Afterwards she said sitting in the chair for 3 hours enduring the smell of the perm was worth it. That was until three days later the curls all fell out. Then she said never again. All I could say was sorry baby girl you got my hair. :)

Anonymous LadyBug said...

Showering is SO overrated.

(Okay, it's totally not. But I'm just trying to make you feel better.)

Love, hugs, and prayers, my friend.

Anonymous Elizabeth said...

Seriously Susie, you should have a gig as a fashion reporter..anyone that eats Doritos off their cleavage is fully qualified in my book!

;) You crack me up.

Blogger Susie said...

nina, my hair, and LG's is, as my mom would say, "straight as a stick." I used to covet curls desperately. I recently came across some '80s pix of me with the long, permed hair. What was I thinking?! LG is started to ask about perms. NO!!!

ladybug, I know; showering is "a good thing." :)

elizabeth, in the interest of truth in advertising, I must say that it was not exactly "off my cleavage," it's more like the crumbs fell in between . . .
Glad you enjoyed ;)

Blogger judypatooote said...

Ahh Haa.....your certainly on a roll.....LOL.....i did post alittle bit about the awards too, and I had so much coffee, that I watched it to the end.....and boring yes, it really was....Ellen was really great, and funny, but heck where was she.....I really don't think the dresses where anywhere near as pretty as they were in other years......I didn't see any that I wanted to own....or borrow.......

Blogger MrsDoF said...

The only movie on the list that I have seen is The Queen, and I really did like it.
I'm glad Helen Mirren got the Oscar--she was so realistic that when I saw a picture of the real Queen Elizabeth, I had to think for a couple seconds.

My sister says Miss Sunshine is good, but I'll wait for the rental.


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