"I'm comin' out, so you'd better get this party started!"


Here’s what y'all said (more or less; your comments are in bold):

Gumby, everyone’s favorite former little green slab of clay, received an invitation to the ball. The very same ball that Cinderella attended. As he got ready for the most exciting night of his life, he took special care to wave the stench from his freshly shaved pits, and to perform a breast self-exam. Wanting to look his very sharpest, he took a long time looking for his nipple ring, although he never did find it. Do you have any idea what that DOES to a person?! Our good green friend did not know that as he played joyfully in his Air Shower, some sort of hidden shower cam was recording his every move.

At the ball, all heads turned when Gumby, who is quite a celebrity, entered the ballroom. He was asked to contribute to the evening’s entertainment by singing backup for Diana Ross and the Supremes’ song: Stop in the Name of Love. And he happily agreed. He also belted out a hearty Happy Days are Here Again! before wowing everyone by showing the world that he can pat his head and rub his tummy at the same time.

Next, Gumby was invited to take part in a martial arts demonstration. This was a piece of cake, or even COOKIES for Gumby, who had been diligently practicing karate and Kung Fu Fighting.

Then it was time for dancing. He began by slow dancing with an imaginary friend much taller than he is, first waltzing, and then reminiscing with The Safety Dance and a little Vogue-ing. As he showed his skilz on the dance floor, he checked out the competition, looking at the other hotties in their skintight green suits and thinking … nice package. Just then, he spotted his old pony pal Pokey, and the next thing you know, he’s waving to an old acquaintance he just ran into, and is pulling out his cameraphone from his breastpocket to record the moment, but oh HORROR! – Gumby forgot to put on clothes! Silly boy. Wait, what’s going on over there? Lovely Hawaiian ladies are giving hula demonstrations and passing out leis. Gumby grabs his friend, Pokey (just as he’s about to jump into Cinderella!) and leads him over to the Hawaiian ladies, a smooth move that will surely get him laid. That is, lei-ed.

Once they’ve been lei-ed, the old friends team up to demonstrate their oral skilz, first, reciting an oath (On my honor, I will try, to do my duty…) then, as Gumby is importing the fourth ballet position into modern, interpretive dance, Pokey narrates the point in the story which, if it were written, would read:

I am the swan,
I swim your polluted
Waters. Poisoned
by Man, by Machine,
I shall die, now,
most symbolically.
And the
tears of my ancestors
will rain down
from the heavens
and the universe
will weep for sorrow,
for joy,
for me.

As everyone applauds the magnificent oratory, an evil voyeuristic therapist steps forward with the videotape that was recorded by the shower cam, and announces, “I have here the episode of Entertainment Tonight where Gumby unveiled his new pec implants!”

Chaos broke out in the ballroom. The voices! The voices! Make them stop!!!! But Gumby was cool. He tipped his imaginary cowboy hat, and Pokey smiled knowingly, thinking, “He’s getting ready to open up his green can of whoop-ass and let loose with some major kung-fu action.” And he did just that, sending the evil voyeuristic therapist on his way. Pokey yelled after him, “You should know better!”

Everyone was so relieved, that they spontaneously began a Gumby-song-sing-along and someone was even generous enough to bring the box to the sing-along. Cookie box. Cookies.

I was ready to leave the ball by that time, and Gumby agreed, “I’m with you, Susie.” It was at that moment that I knew I wanted Gumby’s image to represent me in my blog profile photo. He just has that oh so fashionable manner that one might see when meeting the queen. He has the ability to greet in both a common and royal manner. I knew that his was the kind of smile, the kind of wave that would someday prompt a visitor to say, “Gumby is waving ‘hello’ to all the people that visit your blog. He makes us feel welcome and happy.” I think it speaks well of Gumby. Well done, Gumby.

CURTAIN.


And well done to you, blog friends. This was so much fun. I feel like I had a little party and you all dropped in, and I got to spend a minute or two with each of you. Thank you for visiting and playing. And if you are a first-time visitor, please fill out a visitor’s card and drop it in the offering plate – oh, no, wait, wrong crowd.

Y'all come back, now, ya heah?