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Thursday, March 24, 2005

What is Gumby Doing?

"I'm comin' out, so you'd better get this party started!"

Here’s what y'all said (more or less; your comments are in bold):

Gumby, everyone’s favorite former little green slab of clay, received an invitation to the ball. The very same ball that Cinderella attended. As he got ready for the most exciting night of his life, he took special care to wave the stench from his freshly shaved pits, and to perform a breast self-exam. Wanting to look his very sharpest, he took a long time looking for his nipple ring, although he never did find it. Do you have any idea what that DOES to a person?! Our good green friend did not know that as he played joyfully in his Air Shower, some sort of hidden shower cam was recording his every move.

At the ball, all heads turned when Gumby, who is quite a celebrity, entered the ballroom. He was asked to contribute to the evening’s entertainment by singing backup for Diana Ross and the Supremes’ song: Stop in the Name of Love. And he happily agreed. He also belted out a hearty Happy Days are Here Again! before wowing everyone by showing the world that he can pat his head and rub his tummy at the same time.

Next, Gumby was invited to take part in a martial arts demonstration. This was a piece of cake, or even COOKIES for Gumby, who had been diligently practicing karate and Kung Fu Fighting.

Then it was time for dancing. He began by slow dancing with an imaginary friend much taller than he is, first waltzing, and then reminiscing with The Safety Dance and a little Vogue-ing. As he showed his skilz on the dance floor, he checked out the competition, looking at the other hotties in their skintight green suits and thinking … nice package. Just then, he spotted his old pony pal Pokey, and the next thing you know, he’s waving to an old acquaintance he just ran into, and is pulling out his cameraphone from his breastpocket to record the moment, but oh HORROR! – Gumby forgot to put on clothes! Silly boy. Wait, what’s going on over there? Lovely Hawaiian ladies are giving hula demonstrations and passing out leis. Gumby grabs his friend, Pokey (just as he’s about to jump into Cinderella!) and leads him over to the Hawaiian ladies, a smooth move that will surely get him laid. That is, lei-ed.

Once they’ve been lei-ed, the old friends team up to demonstrate their oral skilz, first, reciting an oath (On my honor, I will try, to do my duty…) then, as Gumby is importing the fourth ballet position into modern, interpretive dance, Pokey narrates the point in the story which, if it were written, would read:

I am the swan,
I swim your polluted
Waters. Poisoned
by Man, by Machine,
I shall die, now,
most symbolically.
And the
tears of my ancestors
will rain down
from the heavens
and the universe
will weep for sorrow,
for joy,
for me.

As everyone applauds the magnificent oratory, an evil voyeuristic therapist steps forward with the videotape that was recorded by the shower cam, and announces, “I have here the episode of Entertainment Tonight where Gumby unveiled his new pec implants!”

Chaos broke out in the ballroom. The voices! The voices! Make them stop!!!! But Gumby was cool. He tipped his imaginary cowboy hat, and Pokey smiled knowingly, thinking, “He’s getting ready to open up his green can of whoop-ass and let loose with some major kung-fu action.” And he did just that, sending the evil voyeuristic therapist on his way. Pokey yelled after him, “You should know better!”

Everyone was so relieved, that they spontaneously began a Gumby-song-sing-along and someone was even generous enough to bring the box to the sing-along. Cookie box. Cookies.

I was ready to leave the ball by that time, and Gumby agreed, “I’m with you, Susie.” It was at that moment that I knew I wanted Gumby’s image to represent me in my blog profile photo. He just has that oh so fashionable manner that one might see when meeting the queen. He has the ability to greet in both a common and royal manner. I knew that his was the kind of smile, the kind of wave that would someday prompt a visitor to say, “Gumby is waving ‘hello’ to all the people that visit your blog. He makes us feel welcome and happy.” I think it speaks well of Gumby. Well done, Gumby.


And well done to you, blog friends. This was so much fun. I feel like I had a little party and you all dropped in, and I got to spend a minute or two with each of you. Thank you for visiting and playing. And if you are a first-time visitor, please fill out a visitor’s card and drop it in the offering plate – oh, no, wait, wrong crowd.

Y'all come back, now, ya heah?

29 heads are better than one . . .

Blogger Ern said...

Wow, 33 comments is quite the feat for a newish blog! But you deserve it, because you always make me laugh!

Blogger _Summer_ said...

Hot diggety dog--an inverted Mad Lib!

Thanks, Susie. That was fun!

Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

OH, KILL ME NOW! I can't believe I missed out on the Gumby rorschach!
*sniff* I hate it when my work gets in the way of my sociopathic blogging tendencies....

Blogger Susie said...

thanks, ern! And welcome home.

summer, inverted? Is that what that is? I was thoroughly entertained, but then, I'm easy. As you can see, your contributions were most valuable:)

bucky, you came back to me! grrrl, I missed your visits this week. This was so much fun, I'm gonna do it again sometime, somehow, and I'll make sure you get to reppazint.

Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Wow... Susie, that is SO *freaking* COOL. I geeking out on the way you think and put this all together.

That's it Susie, run away with me! I mean, I know we're both happily married and have adorable kids and everything, but I just don't think I can live without you anymore. You make this whole reading blogs on the internet thing worth doing.

Susie. You complete me. You had me at "y'all."

Anonymous kalki said...

I'm with CK - this is AWESOME! (I usually avoid that word for fear of being transported to the 80's, but that is truly the only word to describe how much I loved the whole Gumby thing.) You amaze, Susie!

Blogger Susie said...

CK, you sweet-talker, you. Oh! Oh! OK! Let's go! (Grab the cookie box!)

Blogger Susie said...

hi, kalki, thank you, love. But seriously, I'm thanking you guys. This was some serious fun, and I needed me some serious fun this week. The whole blog-party thing amazes and delights me. Wanna come with CK and me? We have enough cookies...

Anonymous honestyrain said...

oh gumby

Anonymous Julie said...

Well done, indeed!

Blogger Mamaramma said...

I'm clapping and clapping and clapping!!! That was such a clever post - fun for everybody!

Blogger Susie said...

honestyrain, are you OK, hon?

julie and mamaramma, Thank you. Most humbly. And mama, do you have really big hands, 'cause I think I can hear you clapping...

Blogger Circus Kelli said...

I got the cookies! Let's go! Kalki (and any others) you can totally come with. You may need to bring your own cookies, though... there are just never enough cookies to go around.

Blogger marybishop said...

Susie, super great post and extremely clever and amusing. This has to be one of my all time favorites posts. I thank you and I thank Gumby.

Blogger LadyBug said...

Oh, Susie, that was so much fun to read! How very entertaining.

Well done, Susie! Well done, Gumby!

Blogger echrai said...

Wow, I haven't laughed so hard in a while. And now all my co-workers are giving my cubicle that "Uh oh, the crazy chick's at it again" look. If I get fired for it, I blame you entirely! Thanks! :)

Blogger Greenthumb said...

Gumby was never something that I ever experienced...but you made a fan out of me today.

You be one very clever beautch!
(greenie beams with pride in susie)

Wow...listen to that applause!

Blogger Closet Metro said...

Well done, Susie, well done!!

Blogger SierraBella said...

Simply amazing!
May I bring a bottle of wine to the next party? Just what wine would go well with cookies?

Anonymous mrtl said...

I can't say much because Bug is on my lap and my arms aren't quite long enough to keep her away.

This is great! Well done, Susie!!

Blogger Colleen said...

i love it i love it i love it!!

Blogger Susie said...

CK, you're so good at sharing, but you're right, it should be BYOC.

marybishop, thank you so much. I am happy you stopped in, I enjoy your writing very much, don't think I'd "met" you before:)

ladybug the poet, I thank you, and Gumby thanks you.

echrai, welcome! And the "Uh oh, the crazy chick's at it again" look? I KNOW that look.

greenie!, you birthday boy! I'm so proud to make you proud;)

closet metro, your "pit stench" was such an inspiration to me! Thank you, kind sir.

sierrabella, amazingly simple! Your contribution was key to creating dynamic conflict in the story, you know. Please do bring the wine to go with the cookies. Your name sounds like you ought to know something about wine; we'll trust you.

mrtl, I found a way to get him laid just for you, grrrl;)

colleen, thank you X 3. I can't tell you all how "tickled" I am that others found this as much fun as I did. That's just the best:)

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Way cool. And Im in with the cookie/wine run-a-way. Lets go somewhere warm. Deserted island? With wine and cookie, and just us girls!



Anonymous mrtl said...

Susie, all is right in the world when Gumby gets laid. Thank you for your consideration there.

Blogger Susie said...

OK, lawbrat, your reservation is confirmed:)

funny, mrtl, that's just what Gumby said. He's still wearing his lei.

Blogger butterstar said...

Aww, I missed the fun when my browser wouldn't let me comment on popup comments, boo. But that's ok; someone gave the answer I had ready anyway, so I feel like I did participate. whee!

Thank you, Susie, and thank YOU, Gumby. That was hilarious.

Blogger Susie said...

butterstar, I'm glad your answer was reppazinted in the story. Thank YOU, I'm glad you enjoyed, and thanks for visiting:)

Blogger cmo said...

wow! a tv with dials! i haven't seen one of those in years.

Blogger Dawn said...

This is freakin hilarious. I so wish I had stumbled upon you blog earlier.


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